tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63288672685508049142024-03-18T20:31:24.867-07:00Sharing My JourneyKristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-83825295950431136842013-06-21T11:49:00.001-07:002013-06-21T11:49:47.377-07:00Come To The River
Day 4, final day of Stillness: "Come to the River"
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I say "final day of stillness" only because today was
my last official planned alone time without kids for now, but God revealed to
me this morning during our time together that I can find that stillness with
Him any time I need it...</div>
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I have spent the past 3 mornings having quiet time with God out on my back deck. I realized this morning that I would not have the deck available to me
because it was
still wet with stain. This disappointed me, and I began to think of where else
I could spend that time this morning. I considered that I could just sit on the
couch next to the open window, taking in the fresh smell of... (sniff,
sniff)... deck stain. </div>
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And then the song "Come To The River" by the Rhett
Walker Band starting played softly in my soul. "Come to the river... oh
and lay yourself down.... let your heart be found... you say come to the
river... drink from the cup I pour... and thirst no more."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just kept playing over and over and over
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought of a park in town that
I take the boys to sometimes to throw rocks in the river. Of course! Even
better than my back deck, it would be the perfect place to spend quiet time
with God. </div>
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As I was driving there, I turned on the radio and wouldn't
you know, the words were playing there, too, audibly this time... "come to
the river..." At this point I smiled, and almost cried, as I sang along to
the words that were so clearly speaking to my heart. I was overwhelmed. I was
excited! What did God have in store for me this morning? What would I encounter
at the river? "Must be something big," I thought to myself. For that
moment, at least, I knew I was headed to the right place.</div>
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I arrived at the riverbank,
sat in my chair, and looked around, taking it all in. I remembered something we
had done a long time ago in a high school class. I got out my notebook and pen
and started writing down the response of my senses... the
trees' refection in the river... birds taking their morning baths and flying back and forth across the river... the
sunlight on the leaves of the trees... the blue sky... perfect air temperature
with a gently breeze... fresh air mixed with the dampness of the riverbank...
the water flowing gently with the current... and a strange-looking small bird with a long, pointy beak walking along the
river's edge, hunting for minnows. </div>
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As I turned to my devotion, the words spoke about asking the Holy Spirit to open my
<em>spiritual</em> eyesight and hearing, to practice looking and listening for God
during quiet intervals. So I sat and watched the river for awhile... looking,
listening, waiting. And then I began to write down the words that whispered to
my heart: </div>
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"Come to the River,</div>
the river is timeless.<br />
It has no place to be<br />
at any given time.<br />
It flows and goes<br />
where the current takes it, <br />
speeding up and slowing down<br />
as it rises and falls.<br />
<br />
Seek Me at the River<br />
where I dwell in timelessness.<br />
Look and listen,<br />
Wait in hope for Me.<br />
You will seek Me and find Me<br />
when you seek Me with all your heart."<br />
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I got up from my chair and walked to the river's edge. I
only had a few more minutes before I had to leave to get the boys. I stood
there for a minute... then I took off my sandals, and walked in. The river is
shallow right now, it came up just above my ankles. As I approached the middle of the
river, I felt the current grow a little stronger. I looked all around at the
trees and water that surrounded me. I closed my eyes and soaked in the sun's
warmth on my face. Typically I would take a picture with my camera and store it
on my computer. But I didn't need a camera, not this time. All of my senses
were capturing this moment, to be stored forever in my soul.</div>
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A few moments later, I felt that timelessness beginning to melt away. And I spoke aloud, "God,
I don't want to leave. I want to stay here with You. I don't want to lose this
Peace. I'm not ready to go yet."</div>
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The Lord whispered back to me, "You will seek Me and
find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart. Look. Listen. Wait in hope for
Me. My Spirit dwells within you." </div>
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I walked slowly back to the riverbank where the world awaited me. <span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">As I drove away, my feet still a little wet in my
sandals, I tried to put everything together. Yet there were just a few words
that kept lingering in my heart... "come to the river... look... listen... seek
me with all your heart... My Spirit dwells within you."<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then it all made perfect sense. I know
now that I can go back to that quiet place in my soul any time I need to.
Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed by the world, by the chaos, I can stop for even a brief moment and seek God
where He dwells deep in my heart... and I can take His hand as He leads me out
to the stillness of the River. </span>Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-24844812879337965552012-03-30T05:36:00.006-07:002012-03-30T12:45:47.411-07:00My Journey to GraceWow.<br /><br />It's been a rough couple of weeks. God has shown me a lot of weaknesses in myself these past few weeks. And it's been painful. It hasn't been an easy process, to have my eyes opened to things about myself that I hardly knew were there, things I don't like, things like self-centeredness... pride... irresponsibility....<br /><br />As I sit here this morning, hung-over, I'm ashamed after having supposedly given up alcohol for Lent. When I woke up today, I thought to myself, "This is NOT a good place to be in as I approach Holy Week." But maybe that's the point. The more I thought about it, I realized that I actually had it all wrong! In fact, this is the PERFECT place for me to be... in desperate need of God's grace, and totally and completely undeserving of it.<br /><br />Several weeks ago I asked God to teach me about grace, having absolutely no idea what I was truly asking for. I can confidently say today that He has certainly answered that prayer, and here is my response:<em> </em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Heavenly Father, I don't really have the words right now to express my gratitude and thanksgiving for this new day, for your incredible love, for the sacrifice of your Son, Jesus Christ. Every morning you provide me with opportunities to grow and learn. Every day you provide for my every need. Every day you shower me with blessings. And every day, I totally screw up. I'm so grateful that I don't have to earn your love and grace, because if I did, I would fail miserably. Thank you for opening my eyes to my weaknesses, for putting me through the pain that I needed to go through in order to understand your grace. In Jesus' name, Amen.</em>Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-73433854694865441312011-11-15T13:30:00.000-08:002011-11-15T14:27:05.470-08:00A strength not of my own<div>I wish I could walk into every day the way that I did on Monday... with excitment and anticipation, peace, total acceptance of whatever the day would bring, and complete submission. Monday was eye-opening, and God taught me something that I've been yearning to know for a long time, but perhaps had just a sliver a fear that stood in my way. </div><div> </div><div>For about a month now, I've been having thoughts of fasting for a day, as in, not eating. I don't know where these thoughts came from... well actually, I know they came from the Holy Spirit because several times lately I've been led to scripture about fasting and how when God's people would fast and pray, God's will would become clear to them. But I guess a more accurate question I had was, "why, God?? Why, now? Why me?" Because of that, and a few fears I had about the idea, I kept putting it off. But I should have known better, because in my past experience, God doesn't take "no" for an answer very lightly, and He keeps prodding. </div><div> </div><div>The last scripture I read that really struck me and made me say, "OK, God. I'll do it," is Matthew 4:4, when Jesus was led into the desert by the Holy Spirit to be tempted by the devil. He had been fasting for 40 days and 40 nights! Seriously?!? I can't even imagine. Anyway, Jesus told the devil:</div><div> </div><div>"It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" </div><div> </div><div>This is the verse that pushed me forward to accept God's calling, and it's what kept me going all day. And it was amazing. I've fasted many times before a colonoscopy prep, which is one of the reasons why I fought it. Hunger sucks. </div><div> </div><div>The other thing that pushed me forward is that I'd just been feeling a little spiritually disconnected lately and I wanted to reconnect and rejuvenate my spirit, and figured since this was so heavy on my heart, it might be the way to make that happen. So on Sunday I decided that Monday would be the day.</div><div> </div><div>The morning was little bit rough, making breakfast for the kids and preparing their snack mid-morning. I'm the type of person who typically needs to eat breakfast within the first hour of being awake, so by mid-morning I was already famished and wondering how I was ever going to get through it! I was definitely tempted... just a little nibble! One little fishy cracker? But then Matthew 4:4 would come to mind and give me encouragement. I received in those moments a strength that was not my own.</div><div> </div><div>I made a realization at that point, that my desire to obey God's plan for me that day and my desire for spiritual fulfillment was greater than my desire for physical nourishment. Wow. That was something I didn't really expect, although I truly tried not to have any expectations coming into it. I was just open to whatever God wanted to teach me. </div><div> </div><div>I made a few other realizations throughout the day. By afternoon, I realized how much I take food for granted! I just always expect it to be there, and thankfully, it is. But for so many people, it's not there all the time, and my compassion for them grew ten-fold. It's funny that this was the topic of the Sunday school lesson that I taught only the day before, feeding the hungry.</div><div> </div><div>Along with that, I also experienced a much deeper appreciation for my husband, Frank, who works SO HARD every day, who has a great job that provides him the opportunity to put food on our table every day! </div><div> </div><div>As evening set in, it definitely got harder. I was getting REALLY hungry and I was struggling, especially as I prepared dinner for my kids. I wrote in my journal, "I'm starting to really reach up in prayer, asking God to help me though this, asking Him to give me strength and energy to get through the rest of the day, to continue to fight the battle of temptation for me. And I have 100% faith that He will."</div><div> </div><div>My biggest lesson of the day is this: I've always known that God's strength and endurance have been there for me at any time, in any circumstance. All I've had to do is reach up and receive it. But I have to admit, I guess I wasn't really sure HOW to do that, how to get past the habit of relying on my own strength, and the fear of disappointment that comes with the truth of my weaknesses. </div><div> </div><div>But yesterday, I had no choice but to recognize my weakness for what it was. And thoughout the day of fasting, God taught me how to fully accept His mighty strength and power. And to think that Jesus went 40 days and nights without food, relying only on His Heavenly Father's spiritual nourishment! It's totally amazing to me, and I am in awe. But I understand it now.</div><div> </div><div>The dreaded bedtime came. I HATE going to bed hungry. It makes it hard to fall asleep, and I have a hard time falling asleep anyway. But I was committed to continue my fast until the next morning. So again, I reached up in desperation and prayed for God to take my hunger away, and for Him to fullfill that need.... and He did. Within a couple minutes my hunger was totally gone, and I was at peace, ready to complete my "mission."</div><div> </div><div>This morning I fully expected to wake up and be totally famished and ready to "eat a zebra," as my 4-year-old would say. But to my pleasant surprise, I wasn't at all. I was totally fine. n fact, I felt energized, peaceful and rejuvinated! </div><div> </div><div>And most of all, I feel stronger than ever. And I know now how to access that strength. I wish I could experience the spiritual peace and clarity every day like I did yesterday... but of course without the hunger. </div><div> </div>Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-68241835264264383842011-06-08T11:15:00.001-07:002011-06-08T11:57:04.566-07:00Wow... this whole "acceptance" thing is pretty hard! Based on my first lesson that I wrote about in my last blog entry, I thought this was going to be somewhat of an easy journey, because it came so natural at first, I hardly had to think about it. And I had so much peace! I thought that's just how it was going to be. Acceptance? No problem! Ha!<br /><br />This has been a tough week consisting of so many less-than-ideal circumstances. My kids have taken turns being sick, now we're on Week 2, and I can feel myself starting to get sick. I'm trying to fight it, but based on the sneezing and sore throat factors, I'm thinking it's inevitable. I haven't been able to participate in any of my "normal" activities... going to the gym in the morning (i.e. time to myself), playdates, and just getting out and doing fun things with my kids. Of course I can't put my kids around other kids when they're sick. And then there's the weather. It's so hot outside that we haven't even been able to get out much. I don't imagine 90 degrees is any good for a fever. So that's left us pretty much inside. <br /><br />And it's left me struggling with a lot of different emotions, a few of the main ones being lonely, depressed, frustrated and weary. I don't remember feeling like this during other times of sickness, but maybe I did.<br /><br />A friend told me on facebook to try and see the blessings in my circumstances. And she's right. I've been so focused on the things that are totally out of my control and wishing they would change so that things could be easy. I almost forgot that through my most difficult times is when God's glory shines the most. And it's mostly during these dark moments, when I'm feeling so weak and vulnerable, that God is hard at work... teaching me, comforting me, encouraging me and loving me.<br /><br />A few things came to mind when I read her post...<br /><br />1. The song "Blessings": "What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights is all it takes to know You're near; What if the trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise."<br /><br />2. I need to recognize and accept the things I can't control here so I can be at peace and my heart will be open to whatever God is trying to teach me. I can't control when sickness comes or goes. I can't control the weather. I can't control when my husband's business trip are scheduled. I can't control all the things that come with these circumstances. But I can control my own reactions to them.<br /><br />I can't even try to begin to understand why God places certain circumstances upon me, and why sometimes several difficult things seem to compound at once. Maybe I had gotten to busy and being at home is giving us all a chance to rest, and giving me a chance to just be with my boys and love them and nurture them and play with them the games and things that I'm sometimes "too busy" to do.<br /><br />Earlier today my 3-yr-old wanted to go outside, so begrudgingly, I did. I had hoped that I could just sit in a chair in the shade and watch them play out in the sandbox and wallow in my suffering. But oh, no. He wasn't having it. Oh, it was so hot! But just then, a gentle warm breeze started across my face and through my hair, as if God was whispering to me, reminding me of His presence. The breeze, although warm, made the heat much more bearable. I welcomed it!<br /><br />"Mommy, be a T-Rex!" Benjamin exclaimed. This is where I run around chasing him, roaring like a dinosoar.<br />"No, honey, it's too hot to be a T-Rex today. Mommy doesn't feel like it."<br />In a much whinier voice, "Mommy! Be a T-Rex!" Clearly, he didn't realize or understand how depressed I was feeling, nor did he care. "Please be a T-Rex!"<br /><br />I had a choice. I could sit and listen to my child's disappointment that I "didn't feel like" playing with him, or I could suck it up, and be the best T-Rex that I could be in that moment.<br /><br />I gave out a half-assed "roar" with my hands outstretched in front of me and started towards him. That was all he needed. His smile and laughter returned and he started running. It really did take so little of my energy to do this. So I continued, again, with the best meager roar that I could come up with. After a few minutes, I actually started to feel better! And a smile came to my face as well. Imagine that.<br /><br />I'm not sure exactly if I have a point to all of this right now. I'm still figuring it out, just writing through it. I feel like most of this is just a lot of babble right now, but I think my focus is changing and I'm taking steps that will bring me closer to accepance and peace.Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-48611049203413932522011-05-24T12:05:00.001-07:002011-05-24T13:42:06.128-07:00Acceptance<strong></strong><br /><strong></strong><br /><strong>Serenity Prayer</strong><br /><br />God grant me the serenity<br />to accept the things I cannot change;<br />the courage to change the things I can;<br />and wisdom to know the difference.<br /><br />Living one day at a time;<br />Enjoying one moment at a time;<br />Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;<br /><br />Taking, as He did, this sinful world<br />As it is, not as I would have it;<br /><br />Trusting that He will make all things right<br />if I surrender to His Will;<br /><br />That I may be reasonably happy in this life<br />and supremely happy with Him<br />forever in the next.<br />Amen.<br /><br />~ <em>Reinhold Niebuhr</em><br /><br />As I was pondering the latest lesson that God has been teaching me about acceptance, this Serenity Prayer came to my mind. When I first starting thinking about it, the first line about accepting the things I cannot change seemed to really fit with what I've been reflecting on the past few days. I looked it up to find out who wrote it because I wanted to include it in my blog entry, and I had no idea there was more to it! I had never read nor heard the rest of the prayer before. I really like it, especially what the author says about taking this world as it is... "not as I would have it"... and surrenduring to God's Will.<br /><br />I actually looked up the word "serenity" on dictionary.com, too, because I was curious about the official definition. It comes from the word "serene": calm, peaceful, or tranquil; unruffled. So that makes so much sense to me... asking God for <em>peace</em> to <em>accept</em> the things I cannot change. And when I think about the things I can't change and what that means, they are things I have no control over, the things that <strong>God</strong> controls, the things that are part of <strong>His Will</strong>. So then I'm actually accepting His control, trusting His Will, and I'm at complete peace with it. Interesting how this all came together for me this past week.<br /><br />Last week we drove out to Virginia for a week to visit family. I was really looking forward to the trip, which has been about a year in the making. My aunt and uncle have recently retired to a lake house and I was just really looking forward to some quality time with them and with my sister and her husband who live about an hour from my aunt and uncle. I planned to go in late May thinking the weather would be really good and warm at that time there, perfect for doing lake things. I was watching the weather forecast the whole week before, each day hoping it would change. There was nothing but rain and cool temperatures forecasted for our vacation destination. Boo!<br /><br />I don't know how I came to this state of being, but instead of getting upset and disappointed that the weather could very well "ruin" our vacation, I just had this odd sense of acceptance. And not just acceptance... but peace. Although ideally I would have planned the weather differently, I just had this trust that God had something wonderful planned for us, and that our time in Virginia would be good, no matter what the weather brought.<br /><br />It was strange that I was viewing things this way, because normally the weather really affects me, as I think it does a lot of people. And I realized on this trip how much of a dependency it is in my life! And it felt good to break down that dependency a little bit by just accepting whatever it was going to be.<br /><br />The day we got to my sister's house, where we would stay for the weekend, it was cloudy and misty, not what I would consider nice at all. But the temperature was warm, and despite the bits of mist and rain on and off, we still got the kids outside with their balls and ended up having a lot of fun! Benjamin even said to my sister, "This is the best time ever!" I was pleasantly surprised! That night we had a fire outside and cooked hot dogs and smores, and just had such a nice time being together, and watching the boys experience something new. And the next day, again forecasted to rain, turned out to be gorgeous. We took the boys to the park and soaked in some excellent sunshine all afternoon. The only time it rained was on our way home from the park!<br /><br />The rest of the week was more of the same... every day was just filled with God's unexpected blessings and surprises! It hardly rained at all. I'm still in awe and having a hard time putting it all into words. And I know if I could put it all into words this blog entry would take hours to write! But I guess the lesson I'm thinking that I'm learning is that I don't know if I could have recognized God's blessings this past week if I hadn't been accepting of my perceived circumstances. I wouldn't have been open to His Will because my focus would have been on those things that I can't change, like the weather.<br /><br />There are so many ways that I can apply this lesson to my life, I feel like this past week I was just barely scratching the surface. And it's exciting! I even found myself applying it to my attempt at quitting smoking. I've been able to accept the fact that quitting is going to be hard. In the past I've tried doing different things like wearing the patch and chewing gum and changing my focus when I'm having a craving in order to make the quitting process<em> easier</em>. But there's just nothing easy about it. So instead of wishing it were easier and wishing the cravings away, I'm trying to just accept it for what it is. It's hard. It sucks. I'm probably going to be crabby and impatient for a few days. And I might break and fail a few times. And I accept that. And I welcome it. Because I know experiencing that hardship is the "pathway to peace".Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-37597942794807955692011-05-03T17:11:00.000-07:002011-05-03T17:51:47.786-07:00A Lesson in FaithBack in January I wrote about a new year's resolution of sorts, a word that I decided to try to guide my life, my thoughts, my actions, and my reactions... faith. There were a few different words at the time that kept coming to my mind, but "faith" just stuck with me. I wasn't sure why, because I felt that I already had a pretty strong faith and I wondered what else God could possibly teach me about it. Maybe He would test it in some way? I supposed I would just go with it and find out.<br /><br />The first few months of this year I didn't really feel like I was growing in faith at all and I wondered if I had chosen the right word. But in the past month or so, it's become much clearer. I realized that I didn't have as stong of a faith as I thought I did. I had what I would call a hopeful faith, a wishful faith. When I would pray, I would <em>hope</em> for God to answer. I <em>wished</em> God would answer. I knew He had the power to answer. But I didn't <em>expect</em> Him to answer. I didn't really trust Him as much as I thought I did. I would pray, but still carry the burdens, feeling like I was still in control, like I still had some sort of responsibility to answer my own prayers through my own actions. Perhaps I was also a bit impatient and didn't really know what it meant to be still and <em>wait</em>.<br /><br />Through several different circumstances that have occured over the past couple months, God has really taught me that He <em>does</em> have complete control! And in His own perfect time, He <em>does</em> answer! So I've been slowly learning to really "let go, and let God." I know that's sort of a cliche, and it's something I've always tried to live by, but didn't truly know how. He's been teaching me more about faith through my study of Isaiah, and through the devotional I'm reading, "Streams in the Desert." There have been several entries that have helped me to realize what faith really is, one of which I wrote on my facebook page not too long ago. The entry was discussing passive faith versus active faith:<br /><br />"Active faith gives thanks for a promise even though it is not yet performed, knowing that God's contracts are as good as cash." - Matthew Henry<br /><br />That was something I'd never considered before... thanking God for a promise, for an answer, even before I receive it? Before I'm even able to see it and experience it??? It was at that moment that I realized my faith has been quite passive. And I had to make a decision. Am I going to continue to be passive in my faith, or active? When I make a request going forward, am I going to trust God completely, and give him thanks for His answers and promises at the same time as I make the request? This is a different concept for me, thanking God for something I have yet to receive, knowing and trusting 100% that He will come through in His own perfect way and time.<br /><br />This past weekend was Emmaus Sunday, and as a deacon of the church it was my responsibility to coordinate the brunch following the service. Well, time just flew by and this day totally crept up on me. At the beginning of last week, I started to get so overwhelmed! I hadn't done <em>anything</em> to plan or prepare! The church would provide soup, but we needed people to make sandwiches, enough for an entire congregation! I had never planned a meal for that many people before. I had no idea what I was doing. I should have been planning weeks ahead of time, having sign-up sheets out. But here I was, 5 days before the event, and I had nothing. And so of course I started to doubt myself, and apparently doubting God in the process.<br /><br />I started questioning, "What sort of deacon am I? God, are you sure you've placed me in the right position?" One particular night I just cried and doubted and felt like a complete failure. The next morning, I talked to the other deacon who was in charge of this brunch with me, and he was so calm about it, and he told me, "Hey, God will provide. Everything will be fine." After that I did feel some peace about it and realized, yeah, perhaps He will. I did make a few phone calls and an email was sent out asking people to help make the sandwiches, but we didn't get much response and several people I called weren't home. Again, I started to get a little nervous, but the words came back to me, "God will provide." And I went ahead and said my prayer of thanks.<br /><br />That Sunday morning I arrived at church at 8:30 to start preparing the soups. As it got closer to the start of the service, people started trickling into the kitchen with platters of sandwiches. Before long, the fridge was completely full! I couldn't believe it! I was just in complete amazement at how food just started appearing! In addition, we had leftover food from a funeral reception the day before. As I started getting all of the sandwiches out and ready and placed everything on the table, I could barely fit it all, there was so much! And to think I was worried that it wouldn't be enough!<br /><br />At some point in the middle of the bruch, my co-coordinator came up to me, pointed to the table of food, and whispered, "This is what happens when God provides." Um, yeah, you can say that again! And we joked that the lesson for that day should have been how Jesus feeds 5,000. We had more than enough, and plenty leftover for the youth group that evening, and some for the local shelter.<br /><br />Wow. I suppose I chose the right word afterall, or God chose the word for me, because apparently He had some things to teach me about it. I'm <em>expecting</em> there will be more lessons to come.Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-43269085803511792252011-03-27T12:22:00.000-07:002011-03-27T13:27:03.482-07:00Countdown to Christ...I'm doing something a little bit different this year for lent than what I've done in the past. It seems to be common practice to give something up for lent, to sacrifice something that's a big part of our lives to signify the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for us. Last year I gave up a few things, one of them being daytime TV. I don't even know how I ever had the time for it, but apparently at that time in my life, watching my soaps were pretty important... not that I planned my days around them... well, ok, sometimes I did, I'll admit it. So I gave them up, deciding instead to spend that time with my kids. And it was great! In fact, once lent was over, I allowed myself to watch soaps again and I suprised myself when I found that I no longer wanted to watch them, that I enjoyed that time much more with my kids and doing other things. And I also came to realize that soaps, along with many other shows that I used to watch, go against so many things that I believe in... they go against all of my values. So it turned out to be a really successful learning experiencde for me. This year I attended the first Ash Wednesday service that I've ever been to. It was actually pretty cool. Our pastor spoke about something in her sermon that made me think. She threw out the idea that instead of giving something up for lent, that we might consider adding something to our daily lives that we're not used to doing. Or maybe it's something we've struggled with, like patience, or showing kindness to strangers. For me, at this time in my life, I decided that approach would be something I'd want to try. So for lent this year, I've been trying to add more patience and love to my everyday life. Patience is something I've been struggling with for a long time, whether it's with my kids, or in the car, or in the check-out line at the grocery... I always seem to be in a hurry. For what? I'm not quite sure. This approach I would say has been slightly more difficult for me than giving something up. It's forced me to really work on things about msyelf that I don't like. And boy, has it been tested! But a woman in my Bible study fellowship discussion group helped me with that. She shared about how she's decided to add prayer to her life every single morning when she wakes up. Her exact words were, "I hit the snooze and I hit my knees." "Wow," I thought. "That's a really good idea." I do pray throughout the day, but I'm usually waiting until the moment when I'm totally struggling and sometimes in tears. So I thought trying a different approach could really help me. So that very week, I tried it too! I can't say that I "hit my knees" literally, but as I'm laying in bed each morning (or at least most mornings) for those few minutes before I have to get up, I pray for patience, and for God to help me show love in everything that I do and say. And it's been amazing what a difference it's been making! And in turn, I notice a difference in the days that I don't. It's just not there. I'm grumpy, I'm impatient, and love does not show through in my actions. I've been able to show more patience and love toward my kids in their whiniest of times. And in those moments when I do feel myself feeling like I might lose it, God brings those words "patience" and "love" to my mind and I'm immediately able to respond. And I like that me so much better! And I swear, almost every day that I've been out on the road this past week, I've been behind someone who's going what I would consider to be slow to quite slow. And instead of getting impatient, even when I'm running late, it's been so much easier for me to just sit back, enjoy the ride, and tell myself "I'll get there when I get there. A few minutes isn't going to make any difference in anything." And it's helped me to just slow down. I really like this change in my attitude and my life. So far, it's resulted in more joyful, and less stressful days. So I would definitely say that this approach to lent has been very successful and I can't see myself going back!Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-62561227437868680742011-03-24T18:35:00.000-07:002011-03-24T19:34:08.584-07:00The Journey Continues...It's been a long time since I've written, for many reasons. I've been trying to hold true to the reason I started this blog in the first place. I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit to do it, because I felt that God had things to say through me. So when I don't write, it's when I don't feel the words coming to me from Him.<br /><br />I've also been struggling with depression these past few months. I'm feeling much better now, but January and February were pretty rough. I think it had something to do with those winter blues, but it was also a little bit more than that. I was just feeling so disconnected... from God... from my husband... from myself.<br /><br />But looking back, I really feel that God allowed it because He had things to teach me, and He needed me to be still. Which is interesting because I realized that was part of my problem. Being still was part of what was causing my depression. So I started making plans to get more involved and get out of the house more, as I thought that would help. And it did. I joined a health club, after years and years of not wanting to spend the money. But it's really helped me. They offer childcare, so it's a time to myself that I just don't get at home, time to myself that I really need. I have my favorite songs from KLove on my ipod so it's actually often a time of reflection.<br /><br />But as I've started to feel better, I still wonder, "why was I struggling so much with 'being still'?" I'm still not quite sure, but I've thought that maybe it's because in my stillness, I was self-absored. I was thinking only of myself and how tired and unmotivated I was feeling. I wasn't praying. I wasn't seeking God. I would do my Bible study to get it done, and I would learn things, but not to maintain. I was emotionally suffering, and as a result, my marriage was suffering, and my relationship with my kids was also suffering. I was a wife and mother that I didn't want to be. So I know I still need to work on being still, but in a way that I can really listen to what God has to say. It's hard.<br /><br />The best I can tell so far, here's what I've been learning on my journey the past few months:<br /><br />1. God doesn't want me to seek Him only when things are going bad, but also when things are going well! When I felt like my life was going great last fall and early winter, I stopped seeking, I stopped praying... I stopped praising! It was like I was saying to God, "OK thanks for all your help, but I can take it from here." NOT! And when I look back, it's when I stopped doing those things that it started going downhill.<br /><br />2. When I am so focused on myself and my own trials and less-than-ideal circumstances, my eyes aren't open to God's blessings. I'm unable to see all of the good things He's doing! When I'm going through those valleys in life, I need to turn my eyes up to the heavens and praise God for all of His greatness, so that my eyes can be opened to His amazing blessings!<br /><br />3. When I seek God in my trials, I need to expect, not just hope, but <em>expect</em> that He has plans for good things to come out of bad circumstances.<br /><br />God has also been teaching me about His power. I've been really starting to understand how mighty His power really is! "<em>Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance</em>?" Isaiah 40:12.<br /><br />Wow, it just gives me such an awesome picture of him! I am so small and powerless in comparison, but it's given me such a great peace to know that a God that big and powerful is taking care of me. I couldn't be in better hands.<br /><br />And He's been working on my fears... I've always had this great fear of wind, of it's power and strength, of it's damaging effects. Last night as I was putting my boys to bed, the wind really picked up. It was actually scary how it went from pretty calm to such an intense wind. My 3-year-old even saw the fear on my face as I heard it and felt it shaking the house, and in the best way I could, I told him that he is safe, that God keeps us safe, and I turned on his box fan to drown out the outside noise. As I was going to bed, I was afraid. I kept turning on the TV so that I would know if the severe thunderstorm warnings would start to include our county. All of the warnings were to the north, but I was still afraid.<br /><br />But then, the coolest thing happened! I heard a small voice, a whisper in my heart, saying, "It's just Me. I control the wind, I create it, I direct it, the power of the wind is Mine. I Am the wind." And I immediately felt an amazing peace come over me, like a big cozy blanket. And as my faith and understanding of God's power grew over the next several minutes, the wind began to die down. It reminded me of the storms of life, how God plans it all and controls every circumstance, and with faith there is peace, even in the darkest moments.<br /><br />Gosh, I feel like I could just keep writing and writing about everything God has been teaching me, but some of it I haven't fully processed yet. So more to come.<br /><br />Many God bless all of you who read this,<br />KristenKristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-31321877178611457552011-01-08T11:10:00.000-08:002011-01-08T18:07:41.449-08:00The GiftThis morning I had somewhat of a vision, or maybe it was more like a dream. I heard my husband get up with my son around 6am, and then this vision, or dream, started. It was so vivid and so strong, there was no way I was going back to sleep. All I can do when I experience these types of moments is get up, grab my notebook and pen, and start writing...<br /><br />...I was sitting at home on the couch just hanging out with my family and friends when there was a knock on the door. Since it was the holiday season I just assumed perhaps it was the UPS guy or something. But to my surprise, it was two uniformed men. They proceeded to handcuff me and tell me I had to come with them to stand before the Judge and accept my sentence for the crimes I had committed. I was in total disbelief! <em>What crimes</em>?!? I thought I had been leading a pretty good life! I've never been arrested, never robbed a bank or stolen anything (well at least nothing major... this one time when I was like 5 or 6 years old I stole a pack of gum from the grocery store check-out line. When we got to the car my mom noticed it and made me take it back and apologize, but they couldn't be talking about <em>that</em>!).<br /><br />I said, "You must have me mixed up with somebody else. I haven't committed any crimes."<br /><br />One of the uniformed men asked, "Are you Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant?"<br /><br />"Well yes, that's me," I proudly confirmed.<br /><br />"Then there's no mistake," said the uniformed officer. "You must come with us."<br /><br />I said a quick good-bye to my family, gave them hugs and kisses and told them I would be home as soon as I cleared up this big mistake.<br /><br />As I rode in the back of the car I started to become more nervous, wondering what the heck this could possibly be about. What did I do that was so wrong? And if I did do something terrible, who the heck knew about it anyway?!?<br /><br />We pulled up to the biggest courthouse I'd ever seen. It was dark and gloomy, not really a place I'd choose to spend any time. As we walked inside, it did not get any prettier. It was safe to judge this book by the cover. It was just... cold. There was a long line of people waiting, and I was led to the end of the line. I got a big chill through my body, despite my warm jacket. From the looks of the line, it was going to be awhile.<br /><br />I said again to one of the uniformed men, "Seriously, there's been a terrible mistake. I don't belong here. Who can I talk to in order to get this whole thing resolved?"<br /><br />"We've heard that line thousands of times before. Take it up with the Judge," he said.<br /><br />I let out a huge sigh. It was hopeless. All I could do was just wait. As I looked around at the other people in line, some of them looked pretty normal, just like me, and I wondered what they possibly could have done to be here. Maybe there'd been a lot of mistakes made today and we all just needed to get things cleared up. But then I saw some other people who definitely looked like they deserved to be here, they'd probably done something really bad. Some of them just looked plain creepy... weird clothes, unshaven, strange jewelry... I noticed one woman in particular about 10 people ahead of me who looked about my age, had a fairly pretty face, but way too much make-up, and seriously, if her skirt was any shorter she might as well not be wearing one! Geez, woman! Put on some clothes! If I'm cold, I can't imagine the chill she must be feeling.<br /><br />Just then a strange man wearing all white walked up to her and offered her a coat. I couldn't quite make out his face as he was turned away from me. She took it and smiled and I saw her lips move to the words of a quiet 'thank you'. He said 'you're welcome,' and walked away. Hmm. That was nice of him, I guess. Although he'll probably be cold now.<br /><br />The line was moving very slowly and I was starting to get impatient. I so did NOT belong here, and I was more than anxious to find out what they think I'd done so awful to drag me away from my nice warm house and the people I love to come here.<br /><br />Finally! It was <em>finally</em> my turn. The uniformed men walked me into the courtroom and sat me in front of the Judge.<br /><br />The Judge spoke, "Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant, you are charged with countless sins, transgressions and iniquities," and he began to list them all off, one by one. To my surprise, it took several hours (now I knew why the line was moving so slowly), and everything he listed was true, I think, and I say that because some things dated back to quite a long time ago that I could hardly remember, and of course the things he listed off from back in college were very hazy, to say the least.<br /><br />He read about the time when I was in 7th grade... I wrote a nasty letter to a friend about my teacher. It was so undeserved, I don't know what prompted me to write it. I think she had given us an assignment that I thought was stupid and I didn't want to do it. When I'd tried to pass it off to my friend in the hallway, this teacher that I had written about intercepted it, read it and confronted me. It was one of the worst moments, one of the worst feelings, of my life. The feeling that I had truly, deeply hurt someone who didn't deserve it. My words really cut her that day. I'd almost forgotten about that (at least I've tried to).<br /><br />Then the judge listed off the times I'd lied to and disobeyed my parents... the times I gossiped or heard friends gossiping and didn't stop it... all the times I got drunk, especially before I was 21... the several years of my life I was so high on pot that I was totally numb to everything else in my life, including my marriage... all the times I put my faith in money and other people instead of God... the moments I saw someone in need and just kept walking, pretending I didn't see... all the times I rebelled and tried to live life my own way, according to my own will instead of God's... the times I was prideful... the times I acted out on anger, greed, lust, fear and doubt... and finally, he listed all of the judgments I made of almost everyone standing in line before me, only hours earlier.<br /><br />When he had finally finished reading through my list, he looked down at me and asked, "How do you plead?"<br /><br />There's no way I could possibly deny any single thing on that list. I did it all. I was completely, 100%, shamefully guilty. I sheepishly replied, my voice no louder than the whisper of a mouse, "But what about all of the good things I've done in my life? Doesn't that count for anything? Shouldn't some of it balance out... or something?" One could only hope. And as my father always said, "You never know if you don't ask."<br /><br />The Judge replied, "Your good deeds have been noted, but a price must be paid for this long list of sins, transgressions and iniquities."<br /><br />In my mind I had expected some type of monetary amount, or perhaps some community service? I mean, it's not like I'd done anything really, <em>really</em> bad, right? I mean, everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect. But as if the Judge could read my mind, the words came out of his mouth, "I sentence you to... the <strong>death penalty</strong>."<br /><br />My legs immediately collapsed under me and I was sure I was going to be sick right there on the courtroom floor. The <strong><em>death penalty</em></strong>?!? Was he <em>serious</em>?!?<br /><br />At that moment, a man walked in. It was the same man, dressed in white, who I'd seen earlier offering the barely-clothed woman his coat. He came and stood beside me, and gave me a hand to help me up. His other hand was held up to the Judge as he yelled, "Wait!"<br /><br />Who <em>was </em>this man, and what could he possibly have to say that was so important that it could change the outcome of this terrible mess?<br /><br />"I will pay the price. I will carry out her sentence in her place," said the man. I looked at him in total disbelief. Who <em>is</em> this guy??<br /><br />The judge replied, "Are you sure about this?"<br /><br />The man replied with certainty, "Yes, I am prepared to take her place."<br /><br />The judge continued, "I just want to make sure you understand what you're getting yourself into. This death penalty will involve a great deal of pain and suffering. You will be beaten just shy of death, you will wear a crown of thorns on your head and carry a cross out of town and up a hill, at which point your hands and feet will be nailed to that same cross. You will be placed upright on the cross for everyone to see. Then the side of your chest will be punctured with a spear, it'll most likely puncture your heart. Basically, you will hang there suffering in more pain than you could possibly ever imagine until you bleed to death. Now... do you want to retract your offer?"<br /><br />"No," said the man in white. "My offer still stands. I will endure whatever pain and suffering is required so that her life is spared."<br /><br />This guy is crazy, I thought. He doesn't even know me! The man turned to me and looked me in the eyes, and spoke as if he, too, was reading my thoughts.<br /><br />"Yes, I do know you," said the man. "My name is Jesus. And my Father, God, sent me to save your life by paying the price for your sins, and to tell you how much He loves you."<br /><br />I didn't know what to say. How could I let this man, Jesus, pay the price and endure the pain and suffering for everything I've done wrong?<br /><br />"I wouldn't even know where to begin in repaying you," I said to Jesus.<br /><br />"You don't need to repay anything," He replied. "This is a gift of love from my Father to you. All you have to do is admit your guilt, ask for forgiveness, and accept this gift of Life. Then, your sins, transgressions and iniquities will be forgiven and forgotten, and you can continue on with your life with a new freedom and eternal life that you didn't have before. All I ask is for you to learn from your mistakes and do your best not to make any more. Oh, and love your neighbor as yourself."<br /><br />"But, wait, what if... what if I just can't do it? I mean, it sounds kind of hard, to not sin. Actually, that's impossible! What if I struggle? What if I just plain fail?" I cried.<br /><br />"Anytime that happens," replied Jesus, "just think back and remember this moment, when I gave my life for yours. And I will be there to help you. You don't need to struggle through this life alone anymore. Now... do you accept this gift of Life?"<br /><br />With tears in my eyes I fell back down to my knees and responded humbly, "Yes, I accept your gift. Thank you." What else could I say? This was not a difficult decision to make.<br /><br />The judge commended, "Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant, you are hereby forgiven and are free to go. Please exit through the door to the right."<br /><br />I hadn't noticed before, but there were two doors, one on either side of the Judge. To the right said "Eternal Life" and to the left said "Eternal Death".<br /><br />As I began walking through the door to Eternal Life, I was too overwhelmed for words. I overheard the man behind me pleading his case to the Judge, trying to claim his innocence. Again, this man Jesus, offered to pay the price for all of his wrong-doings, but the man just kept insisting he was innocent and didn't deserve any penalty in the first place. I cried when the Judge sent him kicking and screaming through the other door. Why didn't he listen? Why didn't he accept the gift that Jesus offered? It made me so sad. He'd been given a chance for Life, and he rejected it.<br /><br />But, it was time for me to go. I had a new mission. I was given a new Life. I had to get home to my family and friends and tell them and everyone I knew the good news about his man named Jesus, who saved me!Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-4004131481728901422011-01-02T07:49:00.001-08:002011-01-02T10:51:32.058-08:00Looking Back or Looking Ahead?This time of year is of course most recognized for reflection... on the past year's accomplishments and failures... and the upcoming year's goals, things we want to do differently... things we want to change to make our lives better... to make ourselves better.<br /><br /><br />I've had so many thoughts going through my mind the past couple days on this subject that it's kind of hard for me to narrow it down right now. Maybe it'll take a few entries to get it all out. I mean, 2010 was a great year. We bought a house and made the committment to stay where we are and settle down for awhile, Frank got a promotion at work, both boys hit countless development milestones, I stepped up to a leadership position in my MOPS group, and have learned so much more about God and myself through Bible Study Fellowship. Yeah, you could say 2010 was a very productive year!<br /><br />I've never really been a believer in new years resolutions. Maybe it's because I've never been one to hold to it. I stick with it for about the first month or so. Or maybe even a few weeks. But that's just me. Maybe it's because I have to really be ready to make a change for myself. It can't be because it's January 1st when our society says "Ok! It's time to make a change!" It just doesn't work for me that way. Life's challenges don't go by a calendar. Every day creates a new opportunity to make a change. Every day is an opportunity to make different decisions... better decisions. Every morning provides a clean slate. And it's what I choose to do with it that will determine whether or not a change will take place. I struggle with that most of the time... maybe because I'm lazy. Because it's harder to make a change. It's hard to make a decision to break an unhealthy habit. Or rather it's easy to make the decision, but hard to take action and follow through. It's so much easier to just go through the motions, day and day out.<br /><br />But eventually, and not necessarily at the beginning of a new year, I grow tired of going through the motions. It creates a numbness in a way. Not the same kind of numbness that comes with depression, but more of a contentment with the way things are, not because I'm happy with it, but because it's just easier... it's comfortable.<br /><br /><br />On KLove the other day they were talking about choosing a word to live by in the new year, something that will drive your decisions and your way of life. I like that idea. So I've been thinking and praying about what my word might be. One word that God keeps bringing to my mind is <em>faith</em>. I'm not sure exactly it would entail. Maybe it's faith in myself, to be stronger, more confident, to make those tough, but better, decisions. Maybe it'll be a reminder to put my faith and trust in God instead of other people and worldly things, which I have really struggled with in my life. Or maybe it's faith in my marriage. Frank and I experienced quite a bit of struggle last year in our marriage. We've always had our ups and downs, it's never really been an easy road for us. We're headed in a healthier direction now than we were a few months ago, but we still have a ways to go. Or maybe it's all of these things.<br /><em></em><br /><em>Faith</em>, according to Hebrews 11:1, is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."<br /><br />But another word that has been creeping into my mind the past 2 days is <em>passion</em>. The chorus from the song "The Motions" by Matthew West has been playing over and over in my mind today:<br /><br /><em>I don't wanna go through the motions</em><br /><em>I don't wanna go one more day</em><br /><em>Without your all consuming passion inside of me</em><br /><em>I don't wanna spend my whole life asking</em><br /><em>What if I had given everything?</em><br /><em>Instead of going through the motions</em><br /><em></em><br />Perhaps this year I need to rediscover the things that I'm passionate about. It's easy to lose that passion when you become a parent, because your kids take everything you have. At least that's been my experience. I'm definitley passionate about being a good mom, but at the same time, "Who was I before I became a mom?" Or better yet, "Who do I want to be aside from a mom?" That's one of the things that I've always admired about Frank, one of the things that first attracted me to him (besides his devastatingly good looks :) He has a passion inside of him for everything he does. And that passion has motivated him to follow his dreams in the automotive industry. In the past few years I've basically just been supportive to him, following where he goes. And I've been happy to do it. But what about me??? What am I passionate about? What are my dreams? What motivates me? These are questions that I have struggled with and prayed about, and I think God has been giving me bits and pieces of answers to those questions, but I still need to fit those pieces together. Because life isn't about just going through the motions.<br /><br />So I guess I still have some things to think about and pray about going into the new year.Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-70166998992952601662010-12-07T10:22:00.000-08:002010-12-07T19:17:41.473-08:00The Gifts of Christmas"It's the most wonderful time of the year...."<br /><br />... and the most stressful! For whatever reason, this time of year has always been more stressful for me than anything else. For the past few years, the commercialism of Christmas has been bothering me more and more each year... and how much focus is on getting the best Christmas gifts at the best prices...<br /><br />Last year in particular I'd had just about enough. We get so wrapped up in gift giving, and Santa Clause! Up until now I haven't really told my son Benjamin about Santa Clause, because I just didn't know how. And to be honest, I didn't really want him to know about Santa yet, at least not until he new first the "real reason for the season"... the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. So last year I bought him some Christmas story books and really just focused on that. We did give him gifts, but none of them were from "Santa".<br /><br />Another reason I would get so stressed about Christmas gifts is I just never knew what to get for people. At first I thought, well maybe I need to really focus on getting to know my family better so that I'll know the perfect Christmas gift to give them. Maybe that was my problem... maybe I didn't pay close enough attention to their needs. So this past year, that's what I tried to do. I really tried to focus, I tried to do less talking and more listening... and then try and remember when the time came what their needs and wants are.<br /><br />But I came to a conclusion that I didn't quite expect. And the question entered my mind, "What gifts do I buy for people who really do have EVERYTHING they need?" My family is very blessed. We all have everything we could ever need. Sure, there are always things we <em>want</em>. That list seems to be neverending... We could all use a new shirt, new pants, new shoes to go with our new shirts and pants, and new jewelry to top it all off, new tools, new kitchen stuff, new decorations for the house, and on and on... but we don't really <em>need</em> those things. For the most part, the clothes and jewelry and shoes and hats and gloves and everything else, is just fine. It's not torn, it still fits. Perhaps we get bored with what we have, but it still does the job.<br /><br />And then there's the money, always feeling the need to spend the right about of money for gifts and trying to fit it into the budget. Although I never truly would budget for Christmas gifts, I would just buy what I needed to buy and hope it wouldn't break the bank.<br /><br />So this year we decided to do something a little different. We're not exchanging gifts this year. Not because I don't want to spend the money, or because I don't want to try and figure out the perfect gift for everyone. I wanted to spend the money we have on people who really and truly <em>NEED</em> the gifts of Christmas. So we've adopted a family in need, 2 young parents with 2 boys around the same ages as ours.<br /><br />This has been so heavy on my heart this year, and it's truly changed the entire Christmas gift-giving experience for me. We won't be able to actually hand the gifts to the family or meet them or see their faces when they open their gifts. But hopefully we can provide them with a merrier Christmas just the same, and of course we can pray for them.<br /><br />I've been getting better about not stressing about money this year, and just having faith that God will provide for our needs, one way or another. But Satan still has a way of creeping in and then leaving bits and pieces of doubt and fear behind. The point of this blog was not in any way to place judgement on those who feel differently about Christmas and Santa and gift-giving than I do, but only to share my own thoughts and feelings about it, and to share the words below, which required a little bit of background information.<br /><br />Just in the past few days I've been praying for God to take away my anxiety about money and to keep trusting Him, no matter what life's circumstances bring. Last night I got an email from someone at church asking if I could provide a few gifts for a boy in the church's preschool program who's part of a family in need. I had shown interest a few weeks ago, before we adopted a family, but then never heard anything about it. We had already committed to this other family, but I thought, "I guess I can get a few more gifts for one more.... yeah, I can do that." And then something cool happened today. I won a Walmart gift card in a drawing at my MOPS meeting this morning. I never win anything, and on any other day at any other time of year it would be totally random, but of all the drawings and all the things I could have won... It's not a crazy amount of money, but it's enough.<br /><br />It's like God was there saying, "I'll provide the money, and you go get the gifts." It was pretty amazing.<br /><br />Once again, God proves his faithfulness.Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-51885547764531876252010-11-18T17:21:00.000-08:002010-11-18T17:39:05.582-08:00A burden so heavy...I heard something on my favorite radio station, KLove, the other day that hit me really hard. That's what I love about KLove, it's constantly challenging the way I think and the way I see myself, the world, and God. I loved it so much that I just had to share it because it's one of the truest things I've ever heard and I could truly relate.<br /><br />It's from the blog of Christian musican Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real. His son, Bowen, was born with an underdeveloped heart and was diagnosed with a rare congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). I believe he was recently released from the hospital and made his way home to his family at nine weeks old.<br /><br />This excerpt is from a book that Matt read the other day called "Wrestling With An Angel" by Greg Lucas. He writes that it's "a story of love, disability, and the lessons of grace".<br /><em></em><br /><em>"I hear religious minded people say all the time with good intentions, 'God will never place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it.'</em><br /><em>Really?</em><br /><em>My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on him. </em><br /><em>'My power is made perfect in your weakness,' He says, as we strain under our burden.</em><br /><em>Whatever the burden, it might indeed get worse, but know this - God is faithful. And while we change and get old, He does not. When we get weaker, He remains strong. And in our weakness and humility, He offers us true, lasting, transforming, and undeserved grace."</em><br /><br />- Greg LucasKristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-5240419314343184792010-11-11T12:01:00.001-08:002010-11-11T12:45:02.185-08:00This morning I really wanted to attend a seminar through the Bible study that I go to. I've been looking forward to it and feeling like I really wanted and needed to go. The only thing I didn't prepare for was childcare. Normally when I attend the Bible study, childcare is provided and they actually have a great program for the kids! But for stuff outside of the norm, we have to find our own, which is fine, but it's so hard for me to do... to ask someone to watch my kids for a few hours. It's probably one of the hardest things that I could ask of someone, the most difficult form of help. I'm not quite sure why, I just hate placing that burden on people, especially those who already have kids!<br /><br />So because of this, I procrastinated on making arrangements for childcare until the last minute. When I finally worked up the guts to call people to ask this huge favor (of course I had no choice as the seminar was the next morning), I found that of the 5 people I called, nobody was available, between field trips with their kid's school, sick kids, and shopping plans, I was left with no babysitter.<br /><br />I had prayed about it earlier in the day yesterday after making my phone calls and leaving messages. I said, "God, if you want me to go to this seminar, then you'll provide a way. If nobody can help take care of the boys, then I'm not meant to be there tomorrow." And I let it go. Needless to say, I was not able to make it.<br /><br />So far I've learned two lessons here:<br /><br />1. Don't procratinate! Especially with important things, like finding a babysitter! I am typically the Queen of Procrastination, and it comes back to bite me all the time. You think I would have learned by now.<br /><br />2. God is in control. He is in complete control. Always. In every single event that happens. Every day. Everywhere.<br /><br />For me, one way I've been able to decipher God's will and His answers to prayer in recent years is through circumstances. He actually speaks to me very loudy through circumstance. If it works out, it's meant to be. If it doesn't, it's not, at least not in that particular time and place.<br /><br />It's really hard to accept God's will sometimes, especially when he says "no" to something I really want. I mean, doesn't God put desires in our hearts? At least that's what I thought. But maybe it's not always meant to work out the way we hope or expect. This seminar is just a small example of this, but it was called "Sharing the Gospel." Now, I would think that's something He would want me to attend, right? But I may never know His reasons for telling me, "Not this time, not now."<br /><br />As I came to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be able to go to the seminar that I really really wanted to go to, I started thinking more about it... it's been such a busy week! Wait, it's been a busy few weeks! This week has been non-stop I feel like. We've had stuff going on every day, and every morning we've had to be up and out of the house early. Samuel's nap schedule has been totally screwed up. And don't even get me started on our meal schedules this week. It's just been crazy! And tomorrow morning the kids and I leave to go out of town for the weekend. I have a huge pile of laundry and packing to do, and I have unpacking to do from the move before I can even do any packing! I had to get to the grocery store so my hubby has food to eat this weekend while I'm gone, I have to make soup for a church event that I won't be able to attend because I'll be out of town but I committed to it awhile ago... wow, that's a long list! And I was going to try and throw in an 1-1/2 hour seminar! Who do I think I am? Superwoman?? Ha!!!<br /><br />Or then again, maybe there's a reason God didn't want me on the road this morning at that particular time, or maybe He just wanted me to stay home and write this blog (since it's been, like, forever since I've written!). My point is, there are a million reasons why God does what He does, and everything He does has a specific purpose, and all of it is out of His unbelieveable, unconditional, unimaginable love for us.<br /><br />For me, it all comes back to Trust, another common theme for me lately. Trusting that God is in total control, and like a parent to a child, He knows what's best for me better than I do. All the time. In every circumstance. And I know there are times when he says, "No"that it's easier to just accept and move on, like today, and other times my reaction may be to stomp around and piss and moan and whine and complain that it's not fair, and question His reasoning. But seriously, I have to continue to ask myself, as I try give up control of my life, do I really trust that God knows what He's doing??? Well... I think I'm getting there.<br /><br />"<em>Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding</em>." Proverbs 3:5Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-48586515424572477722010-10-10T03:57:00.000-07:002010-10-12T14:35:55.822-07:00The Perfect ParentI don't think I ever really understood what unconditional love meant until I became a parent. I love my kids so much that it's overwhelming sometimes, I feel like my heart isn't big enough to hold all of the love I have. There are moments when I just want to hug them so hard and never let go, and everything I do, every decision I make is only in their best interest, to help them learn, to help them grow, to push them and challenge them and encourage them, to teach them the important lessons in life.<br /><br />One of the hardest things about being a parent is seeing my kids in pain... when they fall I run to pick them up and see if they're ok. If they're sad or sick, my heart cries for them... I would give anything to make them feel better again. As a parent, and especially as a mom, I feel that it's my responsibility to protect them.<br /><br />Unfortunately, a lot of the time, parenting involves discipline. Sometimes I have to raise my voice if I feel like they haven't heard me the first five times that I've asked them to do something. If they're still not listening, I give them a time-out, a break to give them a chance to sit and think about what they've done wrong and how they can improve themselves going forward. One would assume that a soon-to-be-three-year-old doesn't necessarily sit in the corner and ponder how he could behave differently, but when time-out is over, he's able to tell me why he needed a break, we talk about how he needs to improve his behavior going forward, and the bad behavior is typically not repeated again.<br /><br />As the mother of my boys, I know better than anybody else what they need at any given time, and I know what's best for them. I know they often don't understand why I tell them to do certain things, or why they <em>can't</em> do certain things... although I do my best best to explain my reasons for things. I try to avoid "because I said so" or "because I'm the mom" as much as possible.<br /><br />Just recently, I've starting to learn more about God as a parent, and I've been able to really start seeing myself through His eyes. And for the first time I've begun to really <em>understand</em> that kind of perfect unconditional love that He has for us! To think of God in that way, to compare His role as a Father to His children, has been so eye-opening to me! I mean, I've heard all my life from pastors and group leaders and prayer groups, and of course, the Bible, refering to Him as "Father", but I never really grasped that concept until recently. Being a Father, He really does only want what's best for me, for all us! Of course He wants me to be happy, He doesn't want to see me in pain, He provides ways to challenge me to help me learn and grow. He knows me better than anybody else. He knows exactly what I need at any given time!<br /><br />I think about how frustrating it must be for Him when I don't listen, when I disobey, when I talk back, when I turn around and walk away from Him to do what <em><strong>I</strong></em> want to do. So often I find myself telling my toddler, "When I ask you to do something, I want you to just do it," or "It makes me angry when you disobey," or "I don't like it when you don't listen." I wonder how many times God has said that to me in the past 32 years? It's kind of funny to think about it in that way. The only difference is that God is a perfect parent. And of course, I am not. But it does give me something to strive for.Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-39054931040731047542010-09-20T08:33:00.000-07:002010-09-20T08:59:47.960-07:00Daily Bread: Dogged DevotionThe Daily Bread message on facebook today really spoke to me and I just wanted to share it. I don't have any thoughts to add right now, as I'm still pondering it myself, but whoever wrote this pretty much sums it up better than I ever could. I did change the names of the dogs to those of my own because it brought it closer to home.<br /><br /><strong><span style="font-size:130%;">Dogged Devotion</span></strong><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">READ: John 15:9-17</span><br /><br /><em><span style="font-family:georgia;">"In Your presence is fullness of joy. - Psalm 16:22"</span></em><br /><br />Sadie and Dusty don't care much for television. They would rather look out a window than stare at a small screen. Reading doesn't thrill them either. They have been known to "chew" on books, but only in the strictly literal sense. Nevertheless, they enjoy being with us. Sadie and Dusty are our very devoted dogs. More than anything (well, just about anything) Sadie and Dusty want to be with us.<br /><br />The word <em>dogged</em> means "determined and persistent." These words describe Sadie and Dusty. They should also describe us. When we are devoted to God, we want to be with Him even when he's doing something that makes no sense to us. We may ask, "Why, Lord?" when He seems angry (Ps. 88:14) or when He seems to be napping (44:23), or when the wicked prosper (Jer. 12:1). <em><strong>But when we remain devoted to God despite our questions, we find fullness of joy in His presence</strong></em> (Ps. 16:11).<br /><br />Jesus knew that we would have questions. To prepare us for them, He urged us to abide in His love (John 15:9-10). Even when God's ways are inexplicable, His love is reliable. So we remain doggedly devoted to Him.<br /><br />Never should our love be just a word,<br />A passing phase, a brief emotion;<br />But love that honors Christ our<br />Lord Responds to Him with deep devotion. - HessKristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-51257691216847824152010-09-09T13:27:00.000-07:002010-09-09T19:36:39.887-07:00I was watching the movie "Finding Nemo" yesterday with my 2-yr-old, a movie I have seen no less than 200 times, and one of the scenes caught my attention as I watched it in a different light.<br /><br />It's basically about a clown fish, Marlin, who looses his son, Nemo, to divers and he travels across the ocean to Sydney to find him. Along his journey, Marlin meets several fish, and sea turtles, who help him along. And he also encounters many hurdles that slow him down. At one point, he and his fish friend, Dori, are swallowed by a whale. While inside the whale, Dori is gleefully riding the waves with the whale's movement while Marlin is frantically trying to get out, with no success. Suddenly the whale stops moving and the water starts going down. The whale tells them to "go to the back of the throat." Dori obeys, while Marlin assumes the whale is trying to eat them. As the whale lifts up his tongue to send the water and 2 fish down into the "dark", Dori and Marlin continue to hold on, attempting to prolong the inevitable (as if they have a choice in the matter). Then the whale speaks again. The part that struck me is the conversation that follows:<br /><br />Dori says to Marlin: "He said it's time to let go! Everything's going to be alright!"<br />Marlin: "How do you know?!? How do you know something bad isn't going to happen?!?"<br />Dori: "I don't!"<br /><br />Then Marlin closes his eyes, and lets go, fully expecting to be lunch. No sooner do they fall when the water rushes upward as the whale spouts it out, along with Dori and Marlin, and they land safely in the water outside the whale. As they swim to the surface they see that the whale has brought them the rest of the way to their destination. They have safely arrived to Sydney.<br /><br />After watching this scene I was struck by the thought that I often feel like Marlin inside the whale when I hit those big obstacles in life, when things fall apart and my plans don't work out, when the problems I'm facing feel endless... and seem to set me back further and further from my goals. I get so frustrated! And while pondering this, I asked myself the question, "What if I decide to 'let go' and let God carry me the rest of the way?" It's a nice idea and what I ultimately strive for, but in reality, it can be so <em>hard</em> to do... having faith when I have no idea how things will turn out. But something tells me I won't fall down into the deep dark. If I just listen, trust, and obey Him, perhaps I'll find myself closer to my destination afterall. When I give up control, I find peace. And through it all I'm stronger, I'm wiser, and well-rested, ready to continue the journey.<br /><br />Who would have thought I could find spiritual meaning in a children's movie?Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-14667514266390095602010-09-03T11:44:00.000-07:002010-09-03T11:53:13.672-07:00Dear God,<br /><br />Sometimes, like today, when I think of your awesomeness all I can do is chuckle to myself. Mostly because I just don't have the words to express my appreciation that you are in control. As disappointed as I was at the time when it didn't work out to buy that house, I realize now how much of a blessing it was. You just know better than I do, and I'm thankful for that (although I wish I would have known that before making the offer but I guess sometimes that's the only way I can learn). Help me to have faith in your timing of everything in my life and in the lives of those around me. And in the meantime, help me to live for your purpose.<br /><br />Love,<br />MeKristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-25740585529747613042010-09-01T12:57:00.001-07:002010-09-01T13:23:55.695-07:00Letter to GodDear God,<br /><br />I watched a movie a couple weeks ago about a young boy who prayed by writing letters to you. I'm struggling a little bit right now and I have so many things on my mind and I feel like I can't seem to articulate them very well. So I thought maybe it would be easier to just use a letter format, like in the movie.<br /><br />As you know, we made an offer on a house a few days ago, a house that after weeks of looking, Frank and I both agreed it would make a great home for our family. I was nervous that day, hoping for the best, not wanting to think much about the worst. Do you remember my prayer to you that day? I asked for your will to be done. It was an easy thing to pray at the time because I really hoped that your will would be the same as mine. I had faith that if this was the right thing, it would work out. But I think deep down I really did know that it wouldn't be the same. The moment I made that realization, when I got the call that the seller wasn't going to budge, I was a little disappointed. I tried to stay cool about it, and keep my emotions out of it. And I told you over and over that I was ok with it. But how does a woman like myself keep emotions out of this type of home-buying process?<br /><br />Everyone says that now is the time to buy a house, with the low interest rates and all. Sure, there are plenty of good buys out there. There are plenty of houses that we could make work. But it has to be right. It has to FEEL right. Doesn't it?<br /><br />I wish I knew what your plan is for me. Sometimes I feel like I catch a glimpse, but most times I'm really just feeling around in the dark, waiting for you to open a door that will show me the direction I should take next. I feel like I have more faith in my life now more than ever before. Sometimes I do think I can hear what you're saying, but sometimes I just choose not to listen, and I go my own way. Isn't that the freedom you've given me? I want to obey. I really do. It's so easy to think about what I should be doing, what I think you would want me to do, but it's so much harder to act on it, especially if it's not exactly what I have in mind. <br /><br />I think I know the reason this house didn't work out. Maybe it's not the right time. Or not the right house. Or, is it because you have something better in mind? How long do I have to search? How long do I have to wait?<br /><br />I guess for now I'll just continue to have faith. You know what you're doing, you've made that quite clear in the past. And your plan is always much better and a whole lot more perfect than mine. I guess that's all for now.<br /><br />Love,<br />MeKristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-79769196145771420712010-08-09T13:01:00.000-07:002010-08-12T20:40:41.206-07:00Moving Forward, Looking Back<div><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglNZtKUxtUwMon_MHKJF-cqEx6tJZLVaKAlb72U55PPJHTv0ymGWyCvYJg2osGSWUxwz4EL13p8nsGWpE8unSfZsWZ3M61RSwJTEBi6Ov_cnMXhkBQ0NPW6Yc6anArf2KVuHuFyySreLo/s1600/backyard.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 293px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 188px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5504725551288816290" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglNZtKUxtUwMon_MHKJF-cqEx6tJZLVaKAlb72U55PPJHTv0ymGWyCvYJg2osGSWUxwz4EL13p8nsGWpE8unSfZsWZ3M61RSwJTEBi6Ov_cnMXhkBQ0NPW6Yc6anArf2KVuHuFyySreLo/s320/backyard.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br /><div>I found out recently that my parents have a contract on their house that they've had on and off the market for the past year. They are excited to retire and begin a new chapter in their lives, yet afraid of the comfort zone they are about to leave and the big changes that lie ahead. They've been in their house for about 24 years, since I started 3rd grade. This is the house I really grew up in. I remember the house we lived in before that, but only in little bits and pieces. Two weekends ago we had a "last hurrah" of sorts... my sister, brother, grandma and myself all came together, at which point my parents made the big announcement.<br /><br />When I found out, I wasn't necessarily surprised because I knew they'd had a lot of interest in the house recently, but I did choke up with the overwhelming mix of emotions in those few moments after I heard the news. I'm <em>so</em> excited for them, but a little sad at the <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiOLQ_xNeAtNqQtKAKqB8uQzsgnI9rqA-QfndP75VfTgPfdZlwSAsxUIwZ4_fPnNt8ZvyCQNTWlqblTgFY-Cn3UUq2iJpPtTuwfJ0mRXcTF5DrGsZMrVGLFSbIDCwViYzNXGQIWWJZ50U/s1600/Ben+looking+at+firepit.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 231px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 195px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5504733805837993378" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiOLQ_xNeAtNqQtKAKqB8uQzsgnI9rqA-QfndP75VfTgPfdZlwSAsxUIwZ4_fPnNt8ZvyCQNTWlqblTgFY-Cn3UUq2iJpPtTuwfJ0mRXcTF5DrGsZMrVGLFSbIDCwViYzNXGQIWWJZ50U/s200/Ben+looking+at+firepit.jpg" /></a>same time. I feel like I'm letting go of a piece of my life, and my past, as well. On Saturday night we all sat and watched a movie of the building of our house, from the digging of the basement <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf3Bqz9VA4ZYvH3UNalk9U_botasHDr0RUH64XG_zmEWNknO2Qoz_7xW_T1ih9qE8LrvOUHcozKZ15ptBXNJeg-Er42dTjA8ah4W6d8msi9g7PbrG9jL-0eXbUvHUoJjJs7cGksT3Ions/s1600/Sam+looking+at+torch.jpg"></a>to the building of the patio, porch and swingset. There was quite a bit of laughter at the funny hair-do's and silly remarks that we made as kids. But there was quite of bit of reflection going on in the room as well.<br /><br />That house hasn't been mine for a long time now. I lived there for about a year after I graduated college and haven't been back to live there since. But even so, I've always still considered it to be "home". My comfort zone. It's where most of my family's traditions were created.... from lazy summer days floating by the pool to big family gatherings at Christmas.... My parents both have quite the green thumb as well (something I unfortunately did not inherit), and landscaping is a passion for them. They've done so much with the 2 acres to make it their little paradise. Although sitting by the pool and walking through the yard the last weekend I was there I considered it to be more like a sanctuary. </div><br /><div><br /></div><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 400px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 286px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5504732590680419906" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6O6gAazVm5RGzUmplt6fjQqa8pnhtNS1K_Dt_0GJGwOgwJclp7IVSe31PjdZl0cbXk5ngnsNSmAK6W8vAO4ONoan_9yNS7ACWcvn-_pFfl77keq5Hl6t5V7vWzt-G0DjPZtgksScC4L8/s400/house+from+the+way+back.jpg" /><br />Things will be a lot different going forward. It's going to be strange at first, going to visit my parents somewhere else, in another house, in another state. Change can be so <em>hard</em>! But change can also be really <em>good</em>! And sometimes you have to leave that comfort zone to make a change in order to move forward and to grow.<br /><br />Now that my husband and I have our own family, we're searching for the right house to call our home... a place where our kids can call home, where someday they will be able to look back with great memories. A place where we will continue to grow as a family and create new traditions of our own.<br /><br />Although at the same time, I've also been thinking that a house doesn't necessarily make a home, but home is wherever our family is. And life isn't about the place where we live or the house we live in, but the relationships with the people we love... our family, friends, neighbors, and God... however close or far apart we are.</div></div>Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-35981734218565858582010-07-22T05:33:00.000-07:002010-07-22T09:15:49.345-07:00Overwhelmed by AwesomenessThis will probably sound a little bit crazy, but a few days ago, I received an email from God. Yes, that's right. Although it was technically from 'Amazon.com', there was no doubt in my mind then and even moreso now, that it was sent from God.<br /><br />I don't even know what made me open it, this email recommending a book to me, because I usually just delete this kind of stuff. I suppose it was the title of the book that jumped out at me, "Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God," by Francis Chan. I don't know what I clicked on, but all of a sudden the online version of the book was opened up on the computer screen in front of me... as I scrolled through the Table of Contents, Forward, Preface... I started reading, and was immediately captivated. I read enough into the first chapter to find his reference to the website, <a href="http://www.crazylovebook.com/">http://www.crazylovebook.com/</a>, and a video on the website called the "Awe Factor."<br /><br />So I figured "what the heck, I'll check out the video. It basically starts with a picture of the Earth and continues to zoom out further and further until you can see the sun, our galaxy, other galaxies... I can't remember how many light years away it goes... All I can say is I know why it's called the "Awe Factor". Because I just sat there, in complete awe, feeling so small, like the tiniest little spec. It's not like I haven't seen this type of thing before in science class or on the discovery channel, and I know the universe is pretty huge, endless, but when I watched this video, in that moment, I literally sat there, at a loss for words, in the awesome presence of God. Talk about humbling!!!<br /><br />I had no choice but the take the enormous "hint" and purchase the book. I've been on the lookout for a new book anyway. But I did not expect for God to stop me dead in my tracks like this. I don't think I've ever received a clearer message from Him, at least not one that I recognized and listened to.<br /><br />Despite the fact that I selected standard shipping, the book arrived the day after I ordered it, which was 2 days ago, and so far I'm just completely overwhelmed at how much I don't know about who God really is, and His overwhelming love for me... for all of us! And I know I'm only scratching the surface. The best way I can describe this experience is, it's as if God used modern day technology to literally speak to me, to tell me He wants to be closer to me, and He wants me to be closer to him, to really <strong><em>know</em></strong> Him. I started thinking about He knew me before I He created me, before I was born, that He knows how many hairs are on my head! I mean, I feel like my faith has really grown and strengthened over the past year or two, but it's time to start digging deeper.<br /><br />Wow, I didn't really realize when I started writing this post that I would even have this much to say right now. Just... WOW. The first night I started reading the book, I was overcome with peace and joy, and recited this to myself over and over as I fell asleep:<br /><br />"Holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come."Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-63911222347387446972010-07-04T12:16:00.000-07:002010-07-04T12:52:15.963-07:00Today marks 7 years that my husband and I have been married. Although 7 years may not seem like a lot, when I think back on the things we've been through, it really is something to celebrate!<br /><br />My marriage is a HUGE part of my journey! With each mountain we climb and valley we stumble through, I come out on the other side just a little bit different. Sometimes it's with a better understanding of my husband. Sometimes it's with a better understanding of myself. Sometimes it's both.<br /><br />As anyone knows who's ever been married, it isn't easy. If it was, of course nobody would be divorced. In the past 7 years I believe I have learned the essentials of what it takes to keep our marriage strong (in no particular order):<br /><br />1. Good Communication<br />2. Understanding<br />3. Listening<br />4. Compromise<br />5. Agree to disagree<br />6. Laughter<br />7. Lots and lots of Hugs<br /><br />These are just a few I could think of off the top of my head. And I still struggle with some of these things, as easy and "common sense" as they may seem.<br /><br />We read a book recently called "The Five Love Languages", and aside from learning what each other's primary love language is and learning how to speak it (which I'm still working on and reminding myself of on a regular basis), probably the biggest lesson I took away from it is that love is a choice.... Every day when I wake up, I can choose to communicate to him what I'm thinking and feeling, I can choose to try and understand what he's feeling if it's different from me, I can choose to listen without interrupting (very difficult for me sometimes), and I can choose to show him how much I love him through his love language. Looking back on the difficult times, I think we struggle the most when I choose not to do at least one of those things, even if it's unconsciously.<br /><br />Even through the bad times, and especially through the good times, my husband makes me a stronger, better person. He challenges me. He is everything I am not. I am everything he is not. In so many ways we are as different as two people can possibly be. But I think that's part of what makes us so great.Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-48138321329322945572010-06-24T03:14:00.001-07:002010-06-24T03:58:35.862-07:00At this time tomorrow morning, my husband and I will be leaving to take our 7-month-old baby Samuel to Riley Children's Hospital for outpatient surgery. His left testicle never dropped, so I guess the doc just has to go in and drop it and set it in place. Seems pretty simple. I just found out about this surgery about a week ago, and up until now it's seemed like not a very big deal. But now... I'm an emotional mess. It's not like I think anything's really going to happen or go wrong, but what if it does?<br /><br />I had originally thought that it would be best to find someone to take care of Benjamin because I didn't think he would do very well in a hospital for that long, but then last night... I started really stressing about it. He's in such a fragile stage in his potty training right now. He's been doing so awesome and I'm afraid that he wouldn't do well with someone else here, someone who he doesn't know very well. And my gut just started telling me that I want him with us. And the thought of leaving him behind... at 6:15am we would walk out the door with Samuel and leave him here... I just don't see that going very well for either of us! I'm sure he'd probaby be fine, but I just don't think I could handle the stress of worrying about Samuel in surgery and then worrying about how Benjamin is doing at home... I need to know at least one of my boys is ok!<br /><br />At first I thought maybe last night I was just being really emotional and that it would pass, but this morning I woke up in the same messy emotional state. I came down to write and then Benjamin woke up, and today is not a good wake-up day. These days are few and far between, but it solidifies my decision to bring him with us.<br /><br />Although I have handed Samuel's surgery over to God, knowing he's in good hands still doesn't make it any easier for me as a mother. Since yesterday, every time I hold him now I have a hard time letting him go. This morning when he woke up at 5:30 hungry, I just stared down at the precious baby boy in my arms. After his bottle he fell back asleep and I just held him for a few extra minutes longer.<br /><br />If I'm having a hard time with this, I wonder how I'll handle preschool, or kindergarden... or college...Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-41941099072526366392010-05-28T13:16:00.000-07:002010-05-28T14:50:56.983-07:00So much time and nothin' to doToday has been a hard day. I woke up this morning with a cold/sinusy flu thingy and it just really dampened my spirits. For a split second, I longed for my pre-motherhood days when I could call in sick and go back to bed. But moms don't get sick days, so I did the only thing I could do... suck it up, take a shot of DayQuil, and do my best to get through the day. The house was a mess and dishes weren't done, and it was driving me crazy, but I had no motivation to do anything about it. It was hot and humid outside and I was forced to turn on the AC... again... which I hate. I wanted to be outside but I didn't feel well but I didn't want to be inside but it was too hot. I was having one of "those" days. There were so many times today that I felt like crying. And a few times I actually started to. But I stopped myself and started asking why. The way I was feeling today was not just "sick". There was something else going on and I needed to figure out what.<br /><br />Oh yes, it's the beginning of Memorial Day weekend. This is the first year in I don't know how long that we haven't had plans for the long holiday weekend. We've always gone away to see friends or family. I tried making plans, several times. But the door closed in my face on everything I tried to plan, until it became clear that this year our plan was... no plan. This is somewhat uncharted territory for me. And it might sound a little bit silly, but I'm just not a "stay-home-and-do-nothing" kind of person these days. Maybe it's because since becoming a stay-home mom I'm home-bound a lot more than I used to be, so when a long weekend does come along I get an itch to do <em>something</em> or go <em>somewhere</em>. And since my husband has a difficult time getting vacation time for long weekends unless he makes plans well in advance, these long holiday weekends are cherished and we try to take advantage of them every chance we get. Then hearing about all of my friends and family having things to do and places to go this weekend, I started feeling kinda sorry for myself. Although I'm feeling rather sick so I sorta don't feel like doing anything at the same time. What a pickle I'm in!<br /><br />Then I started thinking (uh-oh! She's thinking again!). Since reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life" I can't help but feel like every challenge or difficulty has a purpose. So as I was vaccuming up all the dog hair that was annoying me today, I started to ask God, "why have you closed all the doors to my plans for this weekend?" Seems like a silly question to be asking Him. "Do you have something else planned for me??? Well... I'm open! I'm listening! Talk to me."<br /><br />While I was vaccuming and discussing with God the plans I didn't have for the next 3 days, Benjamin was outside playing in the dirt, one of his favorite things to do. He came to the patio door and said, "Mommy, I'm all dirty!" So I asked him if he needed to be washed off with the hose. His eyes brightened and a big smile came to his face... that was all the answer I needed. I turned on the hose and washed off his legs, feet and hands. Then he said, "I want to do it," his response to just about everything these days. And he proceeded to spray me! It was shockingly cold, but on this 85-degree, very humid day, it actually felt kinda good. And as you can imagine, this quickly turned into an impromtu water hose fight. At the end we were both laughing and soaked! And I realized that God was using my 2-year-old son to answer my questions. This completely changed my attitude.<br /><br />So tomorrow I'm looking forward to a BBQ at a friend's house, and Sunday Frank is planning on going to the Indy 500, while the boys and I do I don't know what. And Monday... nothing so far. I'm excited and curious for whatever God has planned for me. Because I'm giving my time to God, and if God is in charge, I know it's gunna be good.Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-35228662122191401482010-05-15T13:41:00.000-07:002010-05-15T13:59:44.608-07:00Today I played like a child. Since my last post, my energy seems to have returned and I've been feeling really good. We're visiting family this weekend and today we took Great <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Gramma</span> K to the park. Since Gram was there to hold Samuel, my husband and I were free to play with Benjamin. We started out on the swings in a race up to the sky... and before long I found myself running around the playground right beside my 2 1/2 year old!<br /><br />It was so much fun!!! It was so <em>refreshing</em> because I've been feeling so <em>OLD</em> lately. Seriously, between my exhaustion and back and knee pain that I've been having lately, at only 31 years old, I'm afraid of how I'll be feeling in 10 years. They say "you're only as old as you feel." Right?<br /><br />Well, today I had about 30 minutes when I remembered what it feels like to just run and jump and play! I remembered what it feels like to not have a care in the world, except where my feet are stepping and which slide I would go down next. My blood was rushing and my heart was pounding and I was... happy. Not that I'm not happy otherwise, but the innocent bliss of a child playing at the playground is something I wouldn't mind experiencing a little more often.Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6328867268550804914.post-40681913906145499922010-05-12T09:45:00.000-07:002010-05-13T08:05:02.483-07:00Just have a little FaithAs I was washing dishes yesterday, I had all of these thoughts that I wanted to get down on paper, and then as soon as I got Benjamin his juice and Samuel his bottle and talked to my Dad for a few minutes, I was finally ready to sit down and write... and then the train of thought was gone.<br /><br />That's been happening a lot lately, which is why it's been like 2 weeks since my last post! That, and I've just been plain exhausted. No energy, no motivation to <em>do</em> much of anything lately. I've been feeling kinda heavy. Maybe it's the weather. Or maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's God's way of slowing me down, because He knows that I don't do it very well on my own. There's always something to do, somewhere to be. So maybe when I get like this, as I seem to every now and then, it's God's way of telling me to just "Be Still, Kristen. Be still and know that I am God."<br /><br />I've been praying a lot lately. My list seems to be growing by the day, so much that I feel like I need to actually start a physical list! Although God always seems to let me know in some way who needs my prayers. So many people I know... family, friends, <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">acquaintances</span>, and people whose names I don't even know, are going through such difficult times... job loss, long-term unemployment, marriage and relationship troubles, big decisions looming, illness and incurable disease, depression, friends who are struggling with motherhood, friends who want babies but are having difficulty, the young women in front of me in the checkout line at <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">Walmart</span> who pulls out food stamps to pay for her groceries, people whose homes are destroyed by natural disaster... I've realized lately that I tend to spend a lot of time and energy immersed in my own life and the worries of my family, and my eyes and ears are closed to the needs of others around me. As I write this, I can see it all starting to unfold over the past few weeks... the message God has been trying to send me.<br /><br />Two days ago I was feeling particularly down and heavy. It was just one of "those" days. I got the kids in the car to head to the grocery, mostly to get out of the house, and Benjamin was out of diapers, and I <em>really</em> needed to listen to my radio station, Positive and Encouraging K-Love. When I got into the car to drive back home, the radio host was talking about a Bible verse, something about birds and how they don't sow or reap or worry, that God provides for them and that we are much more important... I don't remember the exact words she used but it really struck me hard! Not that I was in a place where I was worrying about a lot of stuff. At least not consciously. But then I thought about all of my friends and family who I've been praying for recently who have a lot of worry in <em>their</em> lives right now. So maybe this message was more for them, and God wanted to use me to share it...<br /><br /><em>"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"</em> ~ Matthew 6:25-27<br /><br />At the time I didn't know where this scripture was in the Bible, so I asked a friend who stopped by shortly after I heard this in the car. She knew what scripture I was referring to, but couldn't remember exactly what it was, so she said she would email it to me when she got home. When she did email it to me later that day, she wrote that when she went to her Bible to look it up, she opened to the exact page that the scripture was on. Of course I believed her, because similar things have happened to me, I know God is just <em>awesome</em> like that! And it reaffirmed what I had been thinking, that there was some kind of importance to the timing of it. I was so inspired that I just couldn't keep it to myself!<br /><br />If we have faith in Him, God <em>does</em> provide everything we need! When my husband and I lived in southern IL and he was in school full time and I was only working part time and Benjamin was a baby, I remember one specific day that fear got the best of me... I didn't know how we were going to continue to pay our rent and I'd been paying for food with a credit card, and I just broke down sobbing! I remember the exact words my husband, who is not a very religious man, said to me, "Kristen, can't you just have faith that God will provide for us? He's provided everything to us up to this point! Just have a little faith!"<br /><br />Those words stopped me dead in my tracks. And I renewed my faith right there. God had opened all of the doors for us to be in the place where we were, He wasn't about to abandon us. And as soon as I decided to have faith, it was like a warm blanket of peace and comfort came over me. Money continued to come from unexpected places, and we made it through. Not only does God provide for every need, but he also continues to provide that peace and comfort through all of my challenges and struggles. And I've heard so many people tell me the same thing!<br /><br />One last thought... a friend gave me book yesterday and in the introduction were the words, "It is <em>our</em> job to <em>pray</em>. It is <em>God's</em> job to <em>answer</em>." Although the answer may not come right away, and it may not be what we expect or want to hear. But if we can just keep our eyes and ears and hearts open, and just have a little <em>faith</em>, we're all going to be okay.Kristenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08270825168736155814noreply@blogger.com0