I heard something on my favorite radio station, KLove, the other day that hit me really hard. That's what I love about KLove, it's constantly challenging the way I think and the way I see myself, the world, and God. I loved it so much that I just had to share it because it's one of the truest things I've ever heard and I could truly relate.
It's from the blog of Christian musican Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real. His son, Bowen, was born with an underdeveloped heart and was diagnosed with a rare congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). I believe he was recently released from the hospital and made his way home to his family at nine weeks old.
This excerpt is from a book that Matt read the other day called "Wrestling With An Angel" by Greg Lucas. He writes that it's "a story of love, disability, and the lessons of grace".
"I hear religious minded people say all the time with good intentions, 'God will never place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it.'
Really?
My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on him.
'My power is made perfect in your weakness,' He says, as we strain under our burden.
Whatever the burden, it might indeed get worse, but know this - God is faithful. And while we change and get old, He does not. When we get weaker, He remains strong. And in our weakness and humility, He offers us true, lasting, transforming, and undeserved grace."
- Greg Lucas
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
This morning I really wanted to attend a seminar through the Bible study that I go to. I've been looking forward to it and feeling like I really wanted and needed to go. The only thing I didn't prepare for was childcare. Normally when I attend the Bible study, childcare is provided and they actually have a great program for the kids! But for stuff outside of the norm, we have to find our own, which is fine, but it's so hard for me to do... to ask someone to watch my kids for a few hours. It's probably one of the hardest things that I could ask of someone, the most difficult form of help. I'm not quite sure why, I just hate placing that burden on people, especially those who already have kids!
So because of this, I procrastinated on making arrangements for childcare until the last minute. When I finally worked up the guts to call people to ask this huge favor (of course I had no choice as the seminar was the next morning), I found that of the 5 people I called, nobody was available, between field trips with their kid's school, sick kids, and shopping plans, I was left with no babysitter.
I had prayed about it earlier in the day yesterday after making my phone calls and leaving messages. I said, "God, if you want me to go to this seminar, then you'll provide a way. If nobody can help take care of the boys, then I'm not meant to be there tomorrow." And I let it go. Needless to say, I was not able to make it.
So far I've learned two lessons here:
1. Don't procratinate! Especially with important things, like finding a babysitter! I am typically the Queen of Procrastination, and it comes back to bite me all the time. You think I would have learned by now.
2. God is in control. He is in complete control. Always. In every single event that happens. Every day. Everywhere.
For me, one way I've been able to decipher God's will and His answers to prayer in recent years is through circumstances. He actually speaks to me very loudy through circumstance. If it works out, it's meant to be. If it doesn't, it's not, at least not in that particular time and place.
It's really hard to accept God's will sometimes, especially when he says "no" to something I really want. I mean, doesn't God put desires in our hearts? At least that's what I thought. But maybe it's not always meant to work out the way we hope or expect. This seminar is just a small example of this, but it was called "Sharing the Gospel." Now, I would think that's something He would want me to attend, right? But I may never know His reasons for telling me, "Not this time, not now."
As I came to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be able to go to the seminar that I really really wanted to go to, I started thinking more about it... it's been such a busy week! Wait, it's been a busy few weeks! This week has been non-stop I feel like. We've had stuff going on every day, and every morning we've had to be up and out of the house early. Samuel's nap schedule has been totally screwed up. And don't even get me started on our meal schedules this week. It's just been crazy! And tomorrow morning the kids and I leave to go out of town for the weekend. I have a huge pile of laundry and packing to do, and I have unpacking to do from the move before I can even do any packing! I had to get to the grocery store so my hubby has food to eat this weekend while I'm gone, I have to make soup for a church event that I won't be able to attend because I'll be out of town but I committed to it awhile ago... wow, that's a long list! And I was going to try and throw in an 1-1/2 hour seminar! Who do I think I am? Superwoman?? Ha!!!
Or then again, maybe there's a reason God didn't want me on the road this morning at that particular time, or maybe He just wanted me to stay home and write this blog (since it's been, like, forever since I've written!). My point is, there are a million reasons why God does what He does, and everything He does has a specific purpose, and all of it is out of His unbelieveable, unconditional, unimaginable love for us.
For me, it all comes back to Trust, another common theme for me lately. Trusting that God is in total control, and like a parent to a child, He knows what's best for me better than I do. All the time. In every circumstance. And I know there are times when he says, "No"that it's easier to just accept and move on, like today, and other times my reaction may be to stomp around and piss and moan and whine and complain that it's not fair, and question His reasoning. But seriously, I have to continue to ask myself, as I try give up control of my life, do I really trust that God knows what He's doing??? Well... I think I'm getting there.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
So because of this, I procrastinated on making arrangements for childcare until the last minute. When I finally worked up the guts to call people to ask this huge favor (of course I had no choice as the seminar was the next morning), I found that of the 5 people I called, nobody was available, between field trips with their kid's school, sick kids, and shopping plans, I was left with no babysitter.
I had prayed about it earlier in the day yesterday after making my phone calls and leaving messages. I said, "God, if you want me to go to this seminar, then you'll provide a way. If nobody can help take care of the boys, then I'm not meant to be there tomorrow." And I let it go. Needless to say, I was not able to make it.
So far I've learned two lessons here:
1. Don't procratinate! Especially with important things, like finding a babysitter! I am typically the Queen of Procrastination, and it comes back to bite me all the time. You think I would have learned by now.
2. God is in control. He is in complete control. Always. In every single event that happens. Every day. Everywhere.
For me, one way I've been able to decipher God's will and His answers to prayer in recent years is through circumstances. He actually speaks to me very loudy through circumstance. If it works out, it's meant to be. If it doesn't, it's not, at least not in that particular time and place.
It's really hard to accept God's will sometimes, especially when he says "no" to something I really want. I mean, doesn't God put desires in our hearts? At least that's what I thought. But maybe it's not always meant to work out the way we hope or expect. This seminar is just a small example of this, but it was called "Sharing the Gospel." Now, I would think that's something He would want me to attend, right? But I may never know His reasons for telling me, "Not this time, not now."
As I came to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be able to go to the seminar that I really really wanted to go to, I started thinking more about it... it's been such a busy week! Wait, it's been a busy few weeks! This week has been non-stop I feel like. We've had stuff going on every day, and every morning we've had to be up and out of the house early. Samuel's nap schedule has been totally screwed up. And don't even get me started on our meal schedules this week. It's just been crazy! And tomorrow morning the kids and I leave to go out of town for the weekend. I have a huge pile of laundry and packing to do, and I have unpacking to do from the move before I can even do any packing! I had to get to the grocery store so my hubby has food to eat this weekend while I'm gone, I have to make soup for a church event that I won't be able to attend because I'll be out of town but I committed to it awhile ago... wow, that's a long list! And I was going to try and throw in an 1-1/2 hour seminar! Who do I think I am? Superwoman?? Ha!!!
Or then again, maybe there's a reason God didn't want me on the road this morning at that particular time, or maybe He just wanted me to stay home and write this blog (since it's been, like, forever since I've written!). My point is, there are a million reasons why God does what He does, and everything He does has a specific purpose, and all of it is out of His unbelieveable, unconditional, unimaginable love for us.
For me, it all comes back to Trust, another common theme for me lately. Trusting that God is in total control, and like a parent to a child, He knows what's best for me better than I do. All the time. In every circumstance. And I know there are times when he says, "No"that it's easier to just accept and move on, like today, and other times my reaction may be to stomp around and piss and moan and whine and complain that it's not fair, and question His reasoning. But seriously, I have to continue to ask myself, as I try give up control of my life, do I really trust that God knows what He's doing??? Well... I think I'm getting there.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The Perfect Parent
I don't think I ever really understood what unconditional love meant until I became a parent. I love my kids so much that it's overwhelming sometimes, I feel like my heart isn't big enough to hold all of the love I have. There are moments when I just want to hug them so hard and never let go, and everything I do, every decision I make is only in their best interest, to help them learn, to help them grow, to push them and challenge them and encourage them, to teach them the important lessons in life.
One of the hardest things about being a parent is seeing my kids in pain... when they fall I run to pick them up and see if they're ok. If they're sad or sick, my heart cries for them... I would give anything to make them feel better again. As a parent, and especially as a mom, I feel that it's my responsibility to protect them.
Unfortunately, a lot of the time, parenting involves discipline. Sometimes I have to raise my voice if I feel like they haven't heard me the first five times that I've asked them to do something. If they're still not listening, I give them a time-out, a break to give them a chance to sit and think about what they've done wrong and how they can improve themselves going forward. One would assume that a soon-to-be-three-year-old doesn't necessarily sit in the corner and ponder how he could behave differently, but when time-out is over, he's able to tell me why he needed a break, we talk about how he needs to improve his behavior going forward, and the bad behavior is typically not repeated again.
As the mother of my boys, I know better than anybody else what they need at any given time, and I know what's best for them. I know they often don't understand why I tell them to do certain things, or why they can't do certain things... although I do my best best to explain my reasons for things. I try to avoid "because I said so" or "because I'm the mom" as much as possible.
Just recently, I've starting to learn more about God as a parent, and I've been able to really start seeing myself through His eyes. And for the first time I've begun to really understand that kind of perfect unconditional love that He has for us! To think of God in that way, to compare His role as a Father to His children, has been so eye-opening to me! I mean, I've heard all my life from pastors and group leaders and prayer groups, and of course, the Bible, refering to Him as "Father", but I never really grasped that concept until recently. Being a Father, He really does only want what's best for me, for all us! Of course He wants me to be happy, He doesn't want to see me in pain, He provides ways to challenge me to help me learn and grow. He knows me better than anybody else. He knows exactly what I need at any given time!
I think about how frustrating it must be for Him when I don't listen, when I disobey, when I talk back, when I turn around and walk away from Him to do what I want to do. So often I find myself telling my toddler, "When I ask you to do something, I want you to just do it," or "It makes me angry when you disobey," or "I don't like it when you don't listen." I wonder how many times God has said that to me in the past 32 years? It's kind of funny to think about it in that way. The only difference is that God is a perfect parent. And of course, I am not. But it does give me something to strive for.
One of the hardest things about being a parent is seeing my kids in pain... when they fall I run to pick them up and see if they're ok. If they're sad or sick, my heart cries for them... I would give anything to make them feel better again. As a parent, and especially as a mom, I feel that it's my responsibility to protect them.
Unfortunately, a lot of the time, parenting involves discipline. Sometimes I have to raise my voice if I feel like they haven't heard me the first five times that I've asked them to do something. If they're still not listening, I give them a time-out, a break to give them a chance to sit and think about what they've done wrong and how they can improve themselves going forward. One would assume that a soon-to-be-three-year-old doesn't necessarily sit in the corner and ponder how he could behave differently, but when time-out is over, he's able to tell me why he needed a break, we talk about how he needs to improve his behavior going forward, and the bad behavior is typically not repeated again.
As the mother of my boys, I know better than anybody else what they need at any given time, and I know what's best for them. I know they often don't understand why I tell them to do certain things, or why they can't do certain things... although I do my best best to explain my reasons for things. I try to avoid "because I said so" or "because I'm the mom" as much as possible.
Just recently, I've starting to learn more about God as a parent, and I've been able to really start seeing myself through His eyes. And for the first time I've begun to really understand that kind of perfect unconditional love that He has for us! To think of God in that way, to compare His role as a Father to His children, has been so eye-opening to me! I mean, I've heard all my life from pastors and group leaders and prayer groups, and of course, the Bible, refering to Him as "Father", but I never really grasped that concept until recently. Being a Father, He really does only want what's best for me, for all us! Of course He wants me to be happy, He doesn't want to see me in pain, He provides ways to challenge me to help me learn and grow. He knows me better than anybody else. He knows exactly what I need at any given time!
I think about how frustrating it must be for Him when I don't listen, when I disobey, when I talk back, when I turn around and walk away from Him to do what I want to do. So often I find myself telling my toddler, "When I ask you to do something, I want you to just do it," or "It makes me angry when you disobey," or "I don't like it when you don't listen." I wonder how many times God has said that to me in the past 32 years? It's kind of funny to think about it in that way. The only difference is that God is a perfect parent. And of course, I am not. But it does give me something to strive for.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Daily Bread: Dogged Devotion
The Daily Bread message on facebook today really spoke to me and I just wanted to share it. I don't have any thoughts to add right now, as I'm still pondering it myself, but whoever wrote this pretty much sums it up better than I ever could. I did change the names of the dogs to those of my own because it brought it closer to home.
Dogged Devotion
READ: John 15:9-17
"In Your presence is fullness of joy. - Psalm 16:22"
Sadie and Dusty don't care much for television. They would rather look out a window than stare at a small screen. Reading doesn't thrill them either. They have been known to "chew" on books, but only in the strictly literal sense. Nevertheless, they enjoy being with us. Sadie and Dusty are our very devoted dogs. More than anything (well, just about anything) Sadie and Dusty want to be with us.
The word dogged means "determined and persistent." These words describe Sadie and Dusty. They should also describe us. When we are devoted to God, we want to be with Him even when he's doing something that makes no sense to us. We may ask, "Why, Lord?" when He seems angry (Ps. 88:14) or when He seems to be napping (44:23), or when the wicked prosper (Jer. 12:1). But when we remain devoted to God despite our questions, we find fullness of joy in His presence (Ps. 16:11).
Jesus knew that we would have questions. To prepare us for them, He urged us to abide in His love (John 15:9-10). Even when God's ways are inexplicable, His love is reliable. So we remain doggedly devoted to Him.
Never should our love be just a word,
A passing phase, a brief emotion;
But love that honors Christ our
Lord Responds to Him with deep devotion. - Hess
Dogged Devotion
READ: John 15:9-17
"In Your presence is fullness of joy. - Psalm 16:22"
Sadie and Dusty don't care much for television. They would rather look out a window than stare at a small screen. Reading doesn't thrill them either. They have been known to "chew" on books, but only in the strictly literal sense. Nevertheless, they enjoy being with us. Sadie and Dusty are our very devoted dogs. More than anything (well, just about anything) Sadie and Dusty want to be with us.
The word dogged means "determined and persistent." These words describe Sadie and Dusty. They should also describe us. When we are devoted to God, we want to be with Him even when he's doing something that makes no sense to us. We may ask, "Why, Lord?" when He seems angry (Ps. 88:14) or when He seems to be napping (44:23), or when the wicked prosper (Jer. 12:1). But when we remain devoted to God despite our questions, we find fullness of joy in His presence (Ps. 16:11).
Jesus knew that we would have questions. To prepare us for them, He urged us to abide in His love (John 15:9-10). Even when God's ways are inexplicable, His love is reliable. So we remain doggedly devoted to Him.
Never should our love be just a word,
A passing phase, a brief emotion;
But love that honors Christ our
Lord Responds to Him with deep devotion. - Hess
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I was watching the movie "Finding Nemo" yesterday with my 2-yr-old, a movie I have seen no less than 200 times, and one of the scenes caught my attention as I watched it in a different light.
It's basically about a clown fish, Marlin, who looses his son, Nemo, to divers and he travels across the ocean to Sydney to find him. Along his journey, Marlin meets several fish, and sea turtles, who help him along. And he also encounters many hurdles that slow him down. At one point, he and his fish friend, Dori, are swallowed by a whale. While inside the whale, Dori is gleefully riding the waves with the whale's movement while Marlin is frantically trying to get out, with no success. Suddenly the whale stops moving and the water starts going down. The whale tells them to "go to the back of the throat." Dori obeys, while Marlin assumes the whale is trying to eat them. As the whale lifts up his tongue to send the water and 2 fish down into the "dark", Dori and Marlin continue to hold on, attempting to prolong the inevitable (as if they have a choice in the matter). Then the whale speaks again. The part that struck me is the conversation that follows:
Dori says to Marlin: "He said it's time to let go! Everything's going to be alright!"
Marlin: "How do you know?!? How do you know something bad isn't going to happen?!?"
Dori: "I don't!"
Then Marlin closes his eyes, and lets go, fully expecting to be lunch. No sooner do they fall when the water rushes upward as the whale spouts it out, along with Dori and Marlin, and they land safely in the water outside the whale. As they swim to the surface they see that the whale has brought them the rest of the way to their destination. They have safely arrived to Sydney.
After watching this scene I was struck by the thought that I often feel like Marlin inside the whale when I hit those big obstacles in life, when things fall apart and my plans don't work out, when the problems I'm facing feel endless... and seem to set me back further and further from my goals. I get so frustrated! And while pondering this, I asked myself the question, "What if I decide to 'let go' and let God carry me the rest of the way?" It's a nice idea and what I ultimately strive for, but in reality, it can be so hard to do... having faith when I have no idea how things will turn out. But something tells me I won't fall down into the deep dark. If I just listen, trust, and obey Him, perhaps I'll find myself closer to my destination afterall. When I give up control, I find peace. And through it all I'm stronger, I'm wiser, and well-rested, ready to continue the journey.
Who would have thought I could find spiritual meaning in a children's movie?
It's basically about a clown fish, Marlin, who looses his son, Nemo, to divers and he travels across the ocean to Sydney to find him. Along his journey, Marlin meets several fish, and sea turtles, who help him along. And he also encounters many hurdles that slow him down. At one point, he and his fish friend, Dori, are swallowed by a whale. While inside the whale, Dori is gleefully riding the waves with the whale's movement while Marlin is frantically trying to get out, with no success. Suddenly the whale stops moving and the water starts going down. The whale tells them to "go to the back of the throat." Dori obeys, while Marlin assumes the whale is trying to eat them. As the whale lifts up his tongue to send the water and 2 fish down into the "dark", Dori and Marlin continue to hold on, attempting to prolong the inevitable (as if they have a choice in the matter). Then the whale speaks again. The part that struck me is the conversation that follows:
Dori says to Marlin: "He said it's time to let go! Everything's going to be alright!"
Marlin: "How do you know?!? How do you know something bad isn't going to happen?!?"
Dori: "I don't!"
Then Marlin closes his eyes, and lets go, fully expecting to be lunch. No sooner do they fall when the water rushes upward as the whale spouts it out, along with Dori and Marlin, and they land safely in the water outside the whale. As they swim to the surface they see that the whale has brought them the rest of the way to their destination. They have safely arrived to Sydney.
After watching this scene I was struck by the thought that I often feel like Marlin inside the whale when I hit those big obstacles in life, when things fall apart and my plans don't work out, when the problems I'm facing feel endless... and seem to set me back further and further from my goals. I get so frustrated! And while pondering this, I asked myself the question, "What if I decide to 'let go' and let God carry me the rest of the way?" It's a nice idea and what I ultimately strive for, but in reality, it can be so hard to do... having faith when I have no idea how things will turn out. But something tells me I won't fall down into the deep dark. If I just listen, trust, and obey Him, perhaps I'll find myself closer to my destination afterall. When I give up control, I find peace. And through it all I'm stronger, I'm wiser, and well-rested, ready to continue the journey.
Who would have thought I could find spiritual meaning in a children's movie?
Friday, September 3, 2010
Dear God,
Sometimes, like today, when I think of your awesomeness all I can do is chuckle to myself. Mostly because I just don't have the words to express my appreciation that you are in control. As disappointed as I was at the time when it didn't work out to buy that house, I realize now how much of a blessing it was. You just know better than I do, and I'm thankful for that (although I wish I would have known that before making the offer but I guess sometimes that's the only way I can learn). Help me to have faith in your timing of everything in my life and in the lives of those around me. And in the meantime, help me to live for your purpose.
Love,
Me
Sometimes, like today, when I think of your awesomeness all I can do is chuckle to myself. Mostly because I just don't have the words to express my appreciation that you are in control. As disappointed as I was at the time when it didn't work out to buy that house, I realize now how much of a blessing it was. You just know better than I do, and I'm thankful for that (although I wish I would have known that before making the offer but I guess sometimes that's the only way I can learn). Help me to have faith in your timing of everything in my life and in the lives of those around me. And in the meantime, help me to live for your purpose.
Love,
Me
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Letter to God
Dear God,
I watched a movie a couple weeks ago about a young boy who prayed by writing letters to you. I'm struggling a little bit right now and I have so many things on my mind and I feel like I can't seem to articulate them very well. So I thought maybe it would be easier to just use a letter format, like in the movie.
As you know, we made an offer on a house a few days ago, a house that after weeks of looking, Frank and I both agreed it would make a great home for our family. I was nervous that day, hoping for the best, not wanting to think much about the worst. Do you remember my prayer to you that day? I asked for your will to be done. It was an easy thing to pray at the time because I really hoped that your will would be the same as mine. I had faith that if this was the right thing, it would work out. But I think deep down I really did know that it wouldn't be the same. The moment I made that realization, when I got the call that the seller wasn't going to budge, I was a little disappointed. I tried to stay cool about it, and keep my emotions out of it. And I told you over and over that I was ok with it. But how does a woman like myself keep emotions out of this type of home-buying process?
Everyone says that now is the time to buy a house, with the low interest rates and all. Sure, there are plenty of good buys out there. There are plenty of houses that we could make work. But it has to be right. It has to FEEL right. Doesn't it?
I wish I knew what your plan is for me. Sometimes I feel like I catch a glimpse, but most times I'm really just feeling around in the dark, waiting for you to open a door that will show me the direction I should take next. I feel like I have more faith in my life now more than ever before. Sometimes I do think I can hear what you're saying, but sometimes I just choose not to listen, and I go my own way. Isn't that the freedom you've given me? I want to obey. I really do. It's so easy to think about what I should be doing, what I think you would want me to do, but it's so much harder to act on it, especially if it's not exactly what I have in mind.
I think I know the reason this house didn't work out. Maybe it's not the right time. Or not the right house. Or, is it because you have something better in mind? How long do I have to search? How long do I have to wait?
I guess for now I'll just continue to have faith. You know what you're doing, you've made that quite clear in the past. And your plan is always much better and a whole lot more perfect than mine. I guess that's all for now.
Love,
Me
I watched a movie a couple weeks ago about a young boy who prayed by writing letters to you. I'm struggling a little bit right now and I have so many things on my mind and I feel like I can't seem to articulate them very well. So I thought maybe it would be easier to just use a letter format, like in the movie.
As you know, we made an offer on a house a few days ago, a house that after weeks of looking, Frank and I both agreed it would make a great home for our family. I was nervous that day, hoping for the best, not wanting to think much about the worst. Do you remember my prayer to you that day? I asked for your will to be done. It was an easy thing to pray at the time because I really hoped that your will would be the same as mine. I had faith that if this was the right thing, it would work out. But I think deep down I really did know that it wouldn't be the same. The moment I made that realization, when I got the call that the seller wasn't going to budge, I was a little disappointed. I tried to stay cool about it, and keep my emotions out of it. And I told you over and over that I was ok with it. But how does a woman like myself keep emotions out of this type of home-buying process?
Everyone says that now is the time to buy a house, with the low interest rates and all. Sure, there are plenty of good buys out there. There are plenty of houses that we could make work. But it has to be right. It has to FEEL right. Doesn't it?
I wish I knew what your plan is for me. Sometimes I feel like I catch a glimpse, but most times I'm really just feeling around in the dark, waiting for you to open a door that will show me the direction I should take next. I feel like I have more faith in my life now more than ever before. Sometimes I do think I can hear what you're saying, but sometimes I just choose not to listen, and I go my own way. Isn't that the freedom you've given me? I want to obey. I really do. It's so easy to think about what I should be doing, what I think you would want me to do, but it's so much harder to act on it, especially if it's not exactly what I have in mind.
I think I know the reason this house didn't work out. Maybe it's not the right time. Or not the right house. Or, is it because you have something better in mind? How long do I have to search? How long do I have to wait?
I guess for now I'll just continue to have faith. You know what you're doing, you've made that quite clear in the past. And your plan is always much better and a whole lot more perfect than mine. I guess that's all for now.
Love,
Me
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