Sunday, March 27, 2011
Countdown to Christ...
I'm doing something a little bit different this year for lent than what I've done in the past. It seems to be common practice to give something up for lent, to sacrifice something that's a big part of our lives to signify the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for us. Last year I gave up a few things, one of them being daytime TV. I don't even know how I ever had the time for it, but apparently at that time in my life, watching my soaps were pretty important... not that I planned my days around them... well, ok, sometimes I did, I'll admit it. So I gave them up, deciding instead to spend that time with my kids. And it was great! In fact, once lent was over, I allowed myself to watch soaps again and I suprised myself when I found that I no longer wanted to watch them, that I enjoyed that time much more with my kids and doing other things. And I also came to realize that soaps, along with many other shows that I used to watch, go against so many things that I believe in... they go against all of my values. So it turned out to be a really successful learning experiencde for me. This year I attended the first Ash Wednesday service that I've ever been to. It was actually pretty cool. Our pastor spoke about something in her sermon that made me think. She threw out the idea that instead of giving something up for lent, that we might consider adding something to our daily lives that we're not used to doing. Or maybe it's something we've struggled with, like patience, or showing kindness to strangers. For me, at this time in my life, I decided that approach would be something I'd want to try. So for lent this year, I've been trying to add more patience and love to my everyday life. Patience is something I've been struggling with for a long time, whether it's with my kids, or in the car, or in the check-out line at the grocery... I always seem to be in a hurry. For what? I'm not quite sure. This approach I would say has been slightly more difficult for me than giving something up. It's forced me to really work on things about msyelf that I don't like. And boy, has it been tested! But a woman in my Bible study fellowship discussion group helped me with that. She shared about how she's decided to add prayer to her life every single morning when she wakes up. Her exact words were, "I hit the snooze and I hit my knees." "Wow," I thought. "That's a really good idea." I do pray throughout the day, but I'm usually waiting until the moment when I'm totally struggling and sometimes in tears. So I thought trying a different approach could really help me. So that very week, I tried it too! I can't say that I "hit my knees" literally, but as I'm laying in bed each morning (or at least most mornings) for those few minutes before I have to get up, I pray for patience, and for God to help me show love in everything that I do and say. And it's been amazing what a difference it's been making! And in turn, I notice a difference in the days that I don't. It's just not there. I'm grumpy, I'm impatient, and love does not show through in my actions. I've been able to show more patience and love toward my kids in their whiniest of times. And in those moments when I do feel myself feeling like I might lose it, God brings those words "patience" and "love" to my mind and I'm immediately able to respond. And I like that me so much better! And I swear, almost every day that I've been out on the road this past week, I've been behind someone who's going what I would consider to be slow to quite slow. And instead of getting impatient, even when I'm running late, it's been so much easier for me to just sit back, enjoy the ride, and tell myself "I'll get there when I get there. A few minutes isn't going to make any difference in anything." And it's helped me to just slow down. I really like this change in my attitude and my life. So far, it's resulted in more joyful, and less stressful days. So I would definitely say that this approach to lent has been very successful and I can't see myself going back!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Journey Continues...
It's been a long time since I've written, for many reasons. I've been trying to hold true to the reason I started this blog in the first place. I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit to do it, because I felt that God had things to say through me. So when I don't write, it's when I don't feel the words coming to me from Him.
I've also been struggling with depression these past few months. I'm feeling much better now, but January and February were pretty rough. I think it had something to do with those winter blues, but it was also a little bit more than that. I was just feeling so disconnected... from God... from my husband... from myself.
But looking back, I really feel that God allowed it because He had things to teach me, and He needed me to be still. Which is interesting because I realized that was part of my problem. Being still was part of what was causing my depression. So I started making plans to get more involved and get out of the house more, as I thought that would help. And it did. I joined a health club, after years and years of not wanting to spend the money. But it's really helped me. They offer childcare, so it's a time to myself that I just don't get at home, time to myself that I really need. I have my favorite songs from KLove on my ipod so it's actually often a time of reflection.
But as I've started to feel better, I still wonder, "why was I struggling so much with 'being still'?" I'm still not quite sure, but I've thought that maybe it's because in my stillness, I was self-absored. I was thinking only of myself and how tired and unmotivated I was feeling. I wasn't praying. I wasn't seeking God. I would do my Bible study to get it done, and I would learn things, but not to maintain. I was emotionally suffering, and as a result, my marriage was suffering, and my relationship with my kids was also suffering. I was a wife and mother that I didn't want to be. So I know I still need to work on being still, but in a way that I can really listen to what God has to say. It's hard.
The best I can tell so far, here's what I've been learning on my journey the past few months:
1. God doesn't want me to seek Him only when things are going bad, but also when things are going well! When I felt like my life was going great last fall and early winter, I stopped seeking, I stopped praying... I stopped praising! It was like I was saying to God, "OK thanks for all your help, but I can take it from here." NOT! And when I look back, it's when I stopped doing those things that it started going downhill.
2. When I am so focused on myself and my own trials and less-than-ideal circumstances, my eyes aren't open to God's blessings. I'm unable to see all of the good things He's doing! When I'm going through those valleys in life, I need to turn my eyes up to the heavens and praise God for all of His greatness, so that my eyes can be opened to His amazing blessings!
3. When I seek God in my trials, I need to expect, not just hope, but expect that He has plans for good things to come out of bad circumstances.
God has also been teaching me about His power. I've been really starting to understand how mighty His power really is! "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?" Isaiah 40:12.
Wow, it just gives me such an awesome picture of him! I am so small and powerless in comparison, but it's given me such a great peace to know that a God that big and powerful is taking care of me. I couldn't be in better hands.
And He's been working on my fears... I've always had this great fear of wind, of it's power and strength, of it's damaging effects. Last night as I was putting my boys to bed, the wind really picked up. It was actually scary how it went from pretty calm to such an intense wind. My 3-year-old even saw the fear on my face as I heard it and felt it shaking the house, and in the best way I could, I told him that he is safe, that God keeps us safe, and I turned on his box fan to drown out the outside noise. As I was going to bed, I was afraid. I kept turning on the TV so that I would know if the severe thunderstorm warnings would start to include our county. All of the warnings were to the north, but I was still afraid.
But then, the coolest thing happened! I heard a small voice, a whisper in my heart, saying, "It's just Me. I control the wind, I create it, I direct it, the power of the wind is Mine. I Am the wind." And I immediately felt an amazing peace come over me, like a big cozy blanket. And as my faith and understanding of God's power grew over the next several minutes, the wind began to die down. It reminded me of the storms of life, how God plans it all and controls every circumstance, and with faith there is peace, even in the darkest moments.
Gosh, I feel like I could just keep writing and writing about everything God has been teaching me, but some of it I haven't fully processed yet. So more to come.
Many God bless all of you who read this,
Kristen
I've also been struggling with depression these past few months. I'm feeling much better now, but January and February were pretty rough. I think it had something to do with those winter blues, but it was also a little bit more than that. I was just feeling so disconnected... from God... from my husband... from myself.
But looking back, I really feel that God allowed it because He had things to teach me, and He needed me to be still. Which is interesting because I realized that was part of my problem. Being still was part of what was causing my depression. So I started making plans to get more involved and get out of the house more, as I thought that would help. And it did. I joined a health club, after years and years of not wanting to spend the money. But it's really helped me. They offer childcare, so it's a time to myself that I just don't get at home, time to myself that I really need. I have my favorite songs from KLove on my ipod so it's actually often a time of reflection.
But as I've started to feel better, I still wonder, "why was I struggling so much with 'being still'?" I'm still not quite sure, but I've thought that maybe it's because in my stillness, I was self-absored. I was thinking only of myself and how tired and unmotivated I was feeling. I wasn't praying. I wasn't seeking God. I would do my Bible study to get it done, and I would learn things, but not to maintain. I was emotionally suffering, and as a result, my marriage was suffering, and my relationship with my kids was also suffering. I was a wife and mother that I didn't want to be. So I know I still need to work on being still, but in a way that I can really listen to what God has to say. It's hard.
The best I can tell so far, here's what I've been learning on my journey the past few months:
1. God doesn't want me to seek Him only when things are going bad, but also when things are going well! When I felt like my life was going great last fall and early winter, I stopped seeking, I stopped praying... I stopped praising! It was like I was saying to God, "OK thanks for all your help, but I can take it from here." NOT! And when I look back, it's when I stopped doing those things that it started going downhill.
2. When I am so focused on myself and my own trials and less-than-ideal circumstances, my eyes aren't open to God's blessings. I'm unable to see all of the good things He's doing! When I'm going through those valleys in life, I need to turn my eyes up to the heavens and praise God for all of His greatness, so that my eyes can be opened to His amazing blessings!
3. When I seek God in my trials, I need to expect, not just hope, but expect that He has plans for good things to come out of bad circumstances.
God has also been teaching me about His power. I've been really starting to understand how mighty His power really is! "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?" Isaiah 40:12.
Wow, it just gives me such an awesome picture of him! I am so small and powerless in comparison, but it's given me such a great peace to know that a God that big and powerful is taking care of me. I couldn't be in better hands.
And He's been working on my fears... I've always had this great fear of wind, of it's power and strength, of it's damaging effects. Last night as I was putting my boys to bed, the wind really picked up. It was actually scary how it went from pretty calm to such an intense wind. My 3-year-old even saw the fear on my face as I heard it and felt it shaking the house, and in the best way I could, I told him that he is safe, that God keeps us safe, and I turned on his box fan to drown out the outside noise. As I was going to bed, I was afraid. I kept turning on the TV so that I would know if the severe thunderstorm warnings would start to include our county. All of the warnings were to the north, but I was still afraid.
But then, the coolest thing happened! I heard a small voice, a whisper in my heart, saying, "It's just Me. I control the wind, I create it, I direct it, the power of the wind is Mine. I Am the wind." And I immediately felt an amazing peace come over me, like a big cozy blanket. And as my faith and understanding of God's power grew over the next several minutes, the wind began to die down. It reminded me of the storms of life, how God plans it all and controls every circumstance, and with faith there is peace, even in the darkest moments.
Gosh, I feel like I could just keep writing and writing about everything God has been teaching me, but some of it I haven't fully processed yet. So more to come.
Many God bless all of you who read this,
Kristen
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The Gift
This morning I had somewhat of a vision, or maybe it was more like a dream. I heard my husband get up with my son around 6am, and then this vision, or dream, started. It was so vivid and so strong, there was no way I was going back to sleep. All I can do when I experience these types of moments is get up, grab my notebook and pen, and start writing...
...I was sitting at home on the couch just hanging out with my family and friends when there was a knock on the door. Since it was the holiday season I just assumed perhaps it was the UPS guy or something. But to my surprise, it was two uniformed men. They proceeded to handcuff me and tell me I had to come with them to stand before the Judge and accept my sentence for the crimes I had committed. I was in total disbelief! What crimes?!? I thought I had been leading a pretty good life! I've never been arrested, never robbed a bank or stolen anything (well at least nothing major... this one time when I was like 5 or 6 years old I stole a pack of gum from the grocery store check-out line. When we got to the car my mom noticed it and made me take it back and apologize, but they couldn't be talking about that!).
I said, "You must have me mixed up with somebody else. I haven't committed any crimes."
One of the uniformed men asked, "Are you Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant?"
"Well yes, that's me," I proudly confirmed.
"Then there's no mistake," said the uniformed officer. "You must come with us."
I said a quick good-bye to my family, gave them hugs and kisses and told them I would be home as soon as I cleared up this big mistake.
As I rode in the back of the car I started to become more nervous, wondering what the heck this could possibly be about. What did I do that was so wrong? And if I did do something terrible, who the heck knew about it anyway?!?
We pulled up to the biggest courthouse I'd ever seen. It was dark and gloomy, not really a place I'd choose to spend any time. As we walked inside, it did not get any prettier. It was safe to judge this book by the cover. It was just... cold. There was a long line of people waiting, and I was led to the end of the line. I got a big chill through my body, despite my warm jacket. From the looks of the line, it was going to be awhile.
I said again to one of the uniformed men, "Seriously, there's been a terrible mistake. I don't belong here. Who can I talk to in order to get this whole thing resolved?"
"We've heard that line thousands of times before. Take it up with the Judge," he said.
I let out a huge sigh. It was hopeless. All I could do was just wait. As I looked around at the other people in line, some of them looked pretty normal, just like me, and I wondered what they possibly could have done to be here. Maybe there'd been a lot of mistakes made today and we all just needed to get things cleared up. But then I saw some other people who definitely looked like they deserved to be here, they'd probably done something really bad. Some of them just looked plain creepy... weird clothes, unshaven, strange jewelry... I noticed one woman in particular about 10 people ahead of me who looked about my age, had a fairly pretty face, but way too much make-up, and seriously, if her skirt was any shorter she might as well not be wearing one! Geez, woman! Put on some clothes! If I'm cold, I can't imagine the chill she must be feeling.
Just then a strange man wearing all white walked up to her and offered her a coat. I couldn't quite make out his face as he was turned away from me. She took it and smiled and I saw her lips move to the words of a quiet 'thank you'. He said 'you're welcome,' and walked away. Hmm. That was nice of him, I guess. Although he'll probably be cold now.
The line was moving very slowly and I was starting to get impatient. I so did NOT belong here, and I was more than anxious to find out what they think I'd done so awful to drag me away from my nice warm house and the people I love to come here.
Finally! It was finally my turn. The uniformed men walked me into the courtroom and sat me in front of the Judge.
The Judge spoke, "Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant, you are charged with countless sins, transgressions and iniquities," and he began to list them all off, one by one. To my surprise, it took several hours (now I knew why the line was moving so slowly), and everything he listed was true, I think, and I say that because some things dated back to quite a long time ago that I could hardly remember, and of course the things he listed off from back in college were very hazy, to say the least.
He read about the time when I was in 7th grade... I wrote a nasty letter to a friend about my teacher. It was so undeserved, I don't know what prompted me to write it. I think she had given us an assignment that I thought was stupid and I didn't want to do it. When I'd tried to pass it off to my friend in the hallway, this teacher that I had written about intercepted it, read it and confronted me. It was one of the worst moments, one of the worst feelings, of my life. The feeling that I had truly, deeply hurt someone who didn't deserve it. My words really cut her that day. I'd almost forgotten about that (at least I've tried to).
Then the judge listed off the times I'd lied to and disobeyed my parents... the times I gossiped or heard friends gossiping and didn't stop it... all the times I got drunk, especially before I was 21... the several years of my life I was so high on pot that I was totally numb to everything else in my life, including my marriage... all the times I put my faith in money and other people instead of God... the moments I saw someone in need and just kept walking, pretending I didn't see... all the times I rebelled and tried to live life my own way, according to my own will instead of God's... the times I was prideful... the times I acted out on anger, greed, lust, fear and doubt... and finally, he listed all of the judgments I made of almost everyone standing in line before me, only hours earlier.
When he had finally finished reading through my list, he looked down at me and asked, "How do you plead?"
There's no way I could possibly deny any single thing on that list. I did it all. I was completely, 100%, shamefully guilty. I sheepishly replied, my voice no louder than the whisper of a mouse, "But what about all of the good things I've done in my life? Doesn't that count for anything? Shouldn't some of it balance out... or something?" One could only hope. And as my father always said, "You never know if you don't ask."
The Judge replied, "Your good deeds have been noted, but a price must be paid for this long list of sins, transgressions and iniquities."
In my mind I had expected some type of monetary amount, or perhaps some community service? I mean, it's not like I'd done anything really, really bad, right? I mean, everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect. But as if the Judge could read my mind, the words came out of his mouth, "I sentence you to... the death penalty."
My legs immediately collapsed under me and I was sure I was going to be sick right there on the courtroom floor. The death penalty?!? Was he serious?!?
At that moment, a man walked in. It was the same man, dressed in white, who I'd seen earlier offering the barely-clothed woman his coat. He came and stood beside me, and gave me a hand to help me up. His other hand was held up to the Judge as he yelled, "Wait!"
Who was this man, and what could he possibly have to say that was so important that it could change the outcome of this terrible mess?
"I will pay the price. I will carry out her sentence in her place," said the man. I looked at him in total disbelief. Who is this guy??
The judge replied, "Are you sure about this?"
The man replied with certainty, "Yes, I am prepared to take her place."
The judge continued, "I just want to make sure you understand what you're getting yourself into. This death penalty will involve a great deal of pain and suffering. You will be beaten just shy of death, you will wear a crown of thorns on your head and carry a cross out of town and up a hill, at which point your hands and feet will be nailed to that same cross. You will be placed upright on the cross for everyone to see. Then the side of your chest will be punctured with a spear, it'll most likely puncture your heart. Basically, you will hang there suffering in more pain than you could possibly ever imagine until you bleed to death. Now... do you want to retract your offer?"
"No," said the man in white. "My offer still stands. I will endure whatever pain and suffering is required so that her life is spared."
This guy is crazy, I thought. He doesn't even know me! The man turned to me and looked me in the eyes, and spoke as if he, too, was reading my thoughts.
"Yes, I do know you," said the man. "My name is Jesus. And my Father, God, sent me to save your life by paying the price for your sins, and to tell you how much He loves you."
I didn't know what to say. How could I let this man, Jesus, pay the price and endure the pain and suffering for everything I've done wrong?
"I wouldn't even know where to begin in repaying you," I said to Jesus.
"You don't need to repay anything," He replied. "This is a gift of love from my Father to you. All you have to do is admit your guilt, ask for forgiveness, and accept this gift of Life. Then, your sins, transgressions and iniquities will be forgiven and forgotten, and you can continue on with your life with a new freedom and eternal life that you didn't have before. All I ask is for you to learn from your mistakes and do your best not to make any more. Oh, and love your neighbor as yourself."
"But, wait, what if... what if I just can't do it? I mean, it sounds kind of hard, to not sin. Actually, that's impossible! What if I struggle? What if I just plain fail?" I cried.
"Anytime that happens," replied Jesus, "just think back and remember this moment, when I gave my life for yours. And I will be there to help you. You don't need to struggle through this life alone anymore. Now... do you accept this gift of Life?"
With tears in my eyes I fell back down to my knees and responded humbly, "Yes, I accept your gift. Thank you." What else could I say? This was not a difficult decision to make.
The judge commended, "Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant, you are hereby forgiven and are free to go. Please exit through the door to the right."
I hadn't noticed before, but there were two doors, one on either side of the Judge. To the right said "Eternal Life" and to the left said "Eternal Death".
As I began walking through the door to Eternal Life, I was too overwhelmed for words. I overheard the man behind me pleading his case to the Judge, trying to claim his innocence. Again, this man Jesus, offered to pay the price for all of his wrong-doings, but the man just kept insisting he was innocent and didn't deserve any penalty in the first place. I cried when the Judge sent him kicking and screaming through the other door. Why didn't he listen? Why didn't he accept the gift that Jesus offered? It made me so sad. He'd been given a chance for Life, and he rejected it.
But, it was time for me to go. I had a new mission. I was given a new Life. I had to get home to my family and friends and tell them and everyone I knew the good news about his man named Jesus, who saved me!
...I was sitting at home on the couch just hanging out with my family and friends when there was a knock on the door. Since it was the holiday season I just assumed perhaps it was the UPS guy or something. But to my surprise, it was two uniformed men. They proceeded to handcuff me and tell me I had to come with them to stand before the Judge and accept my sentence for the crimes I had committed. I was in total disbelief! What crimes?!? I thought I had been leading a pretty good life! I've never been arrested, never robbed a bank or stolen anything (well at least nothing major... this one time when I was like 5 or 6 years old I stole a pack of gum from the grocery store check-out line. When we got to the car my mom noticed it and made me take it back and apologize, but they couldn't be talking about that!).
I said, "You must have me mixed up with somebody else. I haven't committed any crimes."
One of the uniformed men asked, "Are you Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant?"
"Well yes, that's me," I proudly confirmed.
"Then there's no mistake," said the uniformed officer. "You must come with us."
I said a quick good-bye to my family, gave them hugs and kisses and told them I would be home as soon as I cleared up this big mistake.
As I rode in the back of the car I started to become more nervous, wondering what the heck this could possibly be about. What did I do that was so wrong? And if I did do something terrible, who the heck knew about it anyway?!?
We pulled up to the biggest courthouse I'd ever seen. It was dark and gloomy, not really a place I'd choose to spend any time. As we walked inside, it did not get any prettier. It was safe to judge this book by the cover. It was just... cold. There was a long line of people waiting, and I was led to the end of the line. I got a big chill through my body, despite my warm jacket. From the looks of the line, it was going to be awhile.
I said again to one of the uniformed men, "Seriously, there's been a terrible mistake. I don't belong here. Who can I talk to in order to get this whole thing resolved?"
"We've heard that line thousands of times before. Take it up with the Judge," he said.
I let out a huge sigh. It was hopeless. All I could do was just wait. As I looked around at the other people in line, some of them looked pretty normal, just like me, and I wondered what they possibly could have done to be here. Maybe there'd been a lot of mistakes made today and we all just needed to get things cleared up. But then I saw some other people who definitely looked like they deserved to be here, they'd probably done something really bad. Some of them just looked plain creepy... weird clothes, unshaven, strange jewelry... I noticed one woman in particular about 10 people ahead of me who looked about my age, had a fairly pretty face, but way too much make-up, and seriously, if her skirt was any shorter she might as well not be wearing one! Geez, woman! Put on some clothes! If I'm cold, I can't imagine the chill she must be feeling.
Just then a strange man wearing all white walked up to her and offered her a coat. I couldn't quite make out his face as he was turned away from me. She took it and smiled and I saw her lips move to the words of a quiet 'thank you'. He said 'you're welcome,' and walked away. Hmm. That was nice of him, I guess. Although he'll probably be cold now.
The line was moving very slowly and I was starting to get impatient. I so did NOT belong here, and I was more than anxious to find out what they think I'd done so awful to drag me away from my nice warm house and the people I love to come here.
Finally! It was finally my turn. The uniformed men walked me into the courtroom and sat me in front of the Judge.
The Judge spoke, "Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant, you are charged with countless sins, transgressions and iniquities," and he began to list them all off, one by one. To my surprise, it took several hours (now I knew why the line was moving so slowly), and everything he listed was true, I think, and I say that because some things dated back to quite a long time ago that I could hardly remember, and of course the things he listed off from back in college were very hazy, to say the least.
He read about the time when I was in 7th grade... I wrote a nasty letter to a friend about my teacher. It was so undeserved, I don't know what prompted me to write it. I think she had given us an assignment that I thought was stupid and I didn't want to do it. When I'd tried to pass it off to my friend in the hallway, this teacher that I had written about intercepted it, read it and confronted me. It was one of the worst moments, one of the worst feelings, of my life. The feeling that I had truly, deeply hurt someone who didn't deserve it. My words really cut her that day. I'd almost forgotten about that (at least I've tried to).
Then the judge listed off the times I'd lied to and disobeyed my parents... the times I gossiped or heard friends gossiping and didn't stop it... all the times I got drunk, especially before I was 21... the several years of my life I was so high on pot that I was totally numb to everything else in my life, including my marriage... all the times I put my faith in money and other people instead of God... the moments I saw someone in need and just kept walking, pretending I didn't see... all the times I rebelled and tried to live life my own way, according to my own will instead of God's... the times I was prideful... the times I acted out on anger, greed, lust, fear and doubt... and finally, he listed all of the judgments I made of almost everyone standing in line before me, only hours earlier.
When he had finally finished reading through my list, he looked down at me and asked, "How do you plead?"
There's no way I could possibly deny any single thing on that list. I did it all. I was completely, 100%, shamefully guilty. I sheepishly replied, my voice no louder than the whisper of a mouse, "But what about all of the good things I've done in my life? Doesn't that count for anything? Shouldn't some of it balance out... or something?" One could only hope. And as my father always said, "You never know if you don't ask."
The Judge replied, "Your good deeds have been noted, but a price must be paid for this long list of sins, transgressions and iniquities."
In my mind I had expected some type of monetary amount, or perhaps some community service? I mean, it's not like I'd done anything really, really bad, right? I mean, everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect. But as if the Judge could read my mind, the words came out of his mouth, "I sentence you to... the death penalty."
My legs immediately collapsed under me and I was sure I was going to be sick right there on the courtroom floor. The death penalty?!? Was he serious?!?
At that moment, a man walked in. It was the same man, dressed in white, who I'd seen earlier offering the barely-clothed woman his coat. He came and stood beside me, and gave me a hand to help me up. His other hand was held up to the Judge as he yelled, "Wait!"
Who was this man, and what could he possibly have to say that was so important that it could change the outcome of this terrible mess?
"I will pay the price. I will carry out her sentence in her place," said the man. I looked at him in total disbelief. Who is this guy??
The judge replied, "Are you sure about this?"
The man replied with certainty, "Yes, I am prepared to take her place."
The judge continued, "I just want to make sure you understand what you're getting yourself into. This death penalty will involve a great deal of pain and suffering. You will be beaten just shy of death, you will wear a crown of thorns on your head and carry a cross out of town and up a hill, at which point your hands and feet will be nailed to that same cross. You will be placed upright on the cross for everyone to see. Then the side of your chest will be punctured with a spear, it'll most likely puncture your heart. Basically, you will hang there suffering in more pain than you could possibly ever imagine until you bleed to death. Now... do you want to retract your offer?"
"No," said the man in white. "My offer still stands. I will endure whatever pain and suffering is required so that her life is spared."
This guy is crazy, I thought. He doesn't even know me! The man turned to me and looked me in the eyes, and spoke as if he, too, was reading my thoughts.
"Yes, I do know you," said the man. "My name is Jesus. And my Father, God, sent me to save your life by paying the price for your sins, and to tell you how much He loves you."
I didn't know what to say. How could I let this man, Jesus, pay the price and endure the pain and suffering for everything I've done wrong?
"I wouldn't even know where to begin in repaying you," I said to Jesus.
"You don't need to repay anything," He replied. "This is a gift of love from my Father to you. All you have to do is admit your guilt, ask for forgiveness, and accept this gift of Life. Then, your sins, transgressions and iniquities will be forgiven and forgotten, and you can continue on with your life with a new freedom and eternal life that you didn't have before. All I ask is for you to learn from your mistakes and do your best not to make any more. Oh, and love your neighbor as yourself."
"But, wait, what if... what if I just can't do it? I mean, it sounds kind of hard, to not sin. Actually, that's impossible! What if I struggle? What if I just plain fail?" I cried.
"Anytime that happens," replied Jesus, "just think back and remember this moment, when I gave my life for yours. And I will be there to help you. You don't need to struggle through this life alone anymore. Now... do you accept this gift of Life?"
With tears in my eyes I fell back down to my knees and responded humbly, "Yes, I accept your gift. Thank you." What else could I say? This was not a difficult decision to make.
The judge commended, "Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant, you are hereby forgiven and are free to go. Please exit through the door to the right."
I hadn't noticed before, but there were two doors, one on either side of the Judge. To the right said "Eternal Life" and to the left said "Eternal Death".
As I began walking through the door to Eternal Life, I was too overwhelmed for words. I overheard the man behind me pleading his case to the Judge, trying to claim his innocence. Again, this man Jesus, offered to pay the price for all of his wrong-doings, but the man just kept insisting he was innocent and didn't deserve any penalty in the first place. I cried when the Judge sent him kicking and screaming through the other door. Why didn't he listen? Why didn't he accept the gift that Jesus offered? It made me so sad. He'd been given a chance for Life, and he rejected it.
But, it was time for me to go. I had a new mission. I was given a new Life. I had to get home to my family and friends and tell them and everyone I knew the good news about his man named Jesus, who saved me!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Looking Back or Looking Ahead?
This time of year is of course most recognized for reflection... on the past year's accomplishments and failures... and the upcoming year's goals, things we want to do differently... things we want to change to make our lives better... to make ourselves better.
I've had so many thoughts going through my mind the past couple days on this subject that it's kind of hard for me to narrow it down right now. Maybe it'll take a few entries to get it all out. I mean, 2010 was a great year. We bought a house and made the committment to stay where we are and settle down for awhile, Frank got a promotion at work, both boys hit countless development milestones, I stepped up to a leadership position in my MOPS group, and have learned so much more about God and myself through Bible Study Fellowship. Yeah, you could say 2010 was a very productive year!
I've never really been a believer in new years resolutions. Maybe it's because I've never been one to hold to it. I stick with it for about the first month or so. Or maybe even a few weeks. But that's just me. Maybe it's because I have to really be ready to make a change for myself. It can't be because it's January 1st when our society says "Ok! It's time to make a change!" It just doesn't work for me that way. Life's challenges don't go by a calendar. Every day creates a new opportunity to make a change. Every day is an opportunity to make different decisions... better decisions. Every morning provides a clean slate. And it's what I choose to do with it that will determine whether or not a change will take place. I struggle with that most of the time... maybe because I'm lazy. Because it's harder to make a change. It's hard to make a decision to break an unhealthy habit. Or rather it's easy to make the decision, but hard to take action and follow through. It's so much easier to just go through the motions, day and day out.
But eventually, and not necessarily at the beginning of a new year, I grow tired of going through the motions. It creates a numbness in a way. Not the same kind of numbness that comes with depression, but more of a contentment with the way things are, not because I'm happy with it, but because it's just easier... it's comfortable.
On KLove the other day they were talking about choosing a word to live by in the new year, something that will drive your decisions and your way of life. I like that idea. So I've been thinking and praying about what my word might be. One word that God keeps bringing to my mind is faith. I'm not sure exactly it would entail. Maybe it's faith in myself, to be stronger, more confident, to make those tough, but better, decisions. Maybe it'll be a reminder to put my faith and trust in God instead of other people and worldly things, which I have really struggled with in my life. Or maybe it's faith in my marriage. Frank and I experienced quite a bit of struggle last year in our marriage. We've always had our ups and downs, it's never really been an easy road for us. We're headed in a healthier direction now than we were a few months ago, but we still have a ways to go. Or maybe it's all of these things.
Faith, according to Hebrews 11:1, is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
But another word that has been creeping into my mind the past 2 days is passion. The chorus from the song "The Motions" by Matthew West has been playing over and over in my mind today:
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
Perhaps this year I need to rediscover the things that I'm passionate about. It's easy to lose that passion when you become a parent, because your kids take everything you have. At least that's been my experience. I'm definitley passionate about being a good mom, but at the same time, "Who was I before I became a mom?" Or better yet, "Who do I want to be aside from a mom?" That's one of the things that I've always admired about Frank, one of the things that first attracted me to him (besides his devastatingly good looks :) He has a passion inside of him for everything he does. And that passion has motivated him to follow his dreams in the automotive industry. In the past few years I've basically just been supportive to him, following where he goes. And I've been happy to do it. But what about me??? What am I passionate about? What are my dreams? What motivates me? These are questions that I have struggled with and prayed about, and I think God has been giving me bits and pieces of answers to those questions, but I still need to fit those pieces together. Because life isn't about just going through the motions.
So I guess I still have some things to think about and pray about going into the new year.
I've had so many thoughts going through my mind the past couple days on this subject that it's kind of hard for me to narrow it down right now. Maybe it'll take a few entries to get it all out. I mean, 2010 was a great year. We bought a house and made the committment to stay where we are and settle down for awhile, Frank got a promotion at work, both boys hit countless development milestones, I stepped up to a leadership position in my MOPS group, and have learned so much more about God and myself through Bible Study Fellowship. Yeah, you could say 2010 was a very productive year!
I've never really been a believer in new years resolutions. Maybe it's because I've never been one to hold to it. I stick with it for about the first month or so. Or maybe even a few weeks. But that's just me. Maybe it's because I have to really be ready to make a change for myself. It can't be because it's January 1st when our society says "Ok! It's time to make a change!" It just doesn't work for me that way. Life's challenges don't go by a calendar. Every day creates a new opportunity to make a change. Every day is an opportunity to make different decisions... better decisions. Every morning provides a clean slate. And it's what I choose to do with it that will determine whether or not a change will take place. I struggle with that most of the time... maybe because I'm lazy. Because it's harder to make a change. It's hard to make a decision to break an unhealthy habit. Or rather it's easy to make the decision, but hard to take action and follow through. It's so much easier to just go through the motions, day and day out.
But eventually, and not necessarily at the beginning of a new year, I grow tired of going through the motions. It creates a numbness in a way. Not the same kind of numbness that comes with depression, but more of a contentment with the way things are, not because I'm happy with it, but because it's just easier... it's comfortable.
On KLove the other day they were talking about choosing a word to live by in the new year, something that will drive your decisions and your way of life. I like that idea. So I've been thinking and praying about what my word might be. One word that God keeps bringing to my mind is faith. I'm not sure exactly it would entail. Maybe it's faith in myself, to be stronger, more confident, to make those tough, but better, decisions. Maybe it'll be a reminder to put my faith and trust in God instead of other people and worldly things, which I have really struggled with in my life. Or maybe it's faith in my marriage. Frank and I experienced quite a bit of struggle last year in our marriage. We've always had our ups and downs, it's never really been an easy road for us. We're headed in a healthier direction now than we were a few months ago, but we still have a ways to go. Or maybe it's all of these things.
Faith, according to Hebrews 11:1, is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
But another word that has been creeping into my mind the past 2 days is passion. The chorus from the song "The Motions" by Matthew West has been playing over and over in my mind today:
I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions
Perhaps this year I need to rediscover the things that I'm passionate about. It's easy to lose that passion when you become a parent, because your kids take everything you have. At least that's been my experience. I'm definitley passionate about being a good mom, but at the same time, "Who was I before I became a mom?" Or better yet, "Who do I want to be aside from a mom?" That's one of the things that I've always admired about Frank, one of the things that first attracted me to him (besides his devastatingly good looks :) He has a passion inside of him for everything he does. And that passion has motivated him to follow his dreams in the automotive industry. In the past few years I've basically just been supportive to him, following where he goes. And I've been happy to do it. But what about me??? What am I passionate about? What are my dreams? What motivates me? These are questions that I have struggled with and prayed about, and I think God has been giving me bits and pieces of answers to those questions, but I still need to fit those pieces together. Because life isn't about just going through the motions.
So I guess I still have some things to think about and pray about going into the new year.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
The Gifts of Christmas
"It's the most wonderful time of the year...."
... and the most stressful! For whatever reason, this time of year has always been more stressful for me than anything else. For the past few years, the commercialism of Christmas has been bothering me more and more each year... and how much focus is on getting the best Christmas gifts at the best prices...
Last year in particular I'd had just about enough. We get so wrapped up in gift giving, and Santa Clause! Up until now I haven't really told my son Benjamin about Santa Clause, because I just didn't know how. And to be honest, I didn't really want him to know about Santa yet, at least not until he new first the "real reason for the season"... the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. So last year I bought him some Christmas story books and really just focused on that. We did give him gifts, but none of them were from "Santa".
Another reason I would get so stressed about Christmas gifts is I just never knew what to get for people. At first I thought, well maybe I need to really focus on getting to know my family better so that I'll know the perfect Christmas gift to give them. Maybe that was my problem... maybe I didn't pay close enough attention to their needs. So this past year, that's what I tried to do. I really tried to focus, I tried to do less talking and more listening... and then try and remember when the time came what their needs and wants are.
But I came to a conclusion that I didn't quite expect. And the question entered my mind, "What gifts do I buy for people who really do have EVERYTHING they need?" My family is very blessed. We all have everything we could ever need. Sure, there are always things we want. That list seems to be neverending... We could all use a new shirt, new pants, new shoes to go with our new shirts and pants, and new jewelry to top it all off, new tools, new kitchen stuff, new decorations for the house, and on and on... but we don't really need those things. For the most part, the clothes and jewelry and shoes and hats and gloves and everything else, is just fine. It's not torn, it still fits. Perhaps we get bored with what we have, but it still does the job.
And then there's the money, always feeling the need to spend the right about of money for gifts and trying to fit it into the budget. Although I never truly would budget for Christmas gifts, I would just buy what I needed to buy and hope it wouldn't break the bank.
So this year we decided to do something a little different. We're not exchanging gifts this year. Not because I don't want to spend the money, or because I don't want to try and figure out the perfect gift for everyone. I wanted to spend the money we have on people who really and truly NEED the gifts of Christmas. So we've adopted a family in need, 2 young parents with 2 boys around the same ages as ours.
This has been so heavy on my heart this year, and it's truly changed the entire Christmas gift-giving experience for me. We won't be able to actually hand the gifts to the family or meet them or see their faces when they open their gifts. But hopefully we can provide them with a merrier Christmas just the same, and of course we can pray for them.
I've been getting better about not stressing about money this year, and just having faith that God will provide for our needs, one way or another. But Satan still has a way of creeping in and then leaving bits and pieces of doubt and fear behind. The point of this blog was not in any way to place judgement on those who feel differently about Christmas and Santa and gift-giving than I do, but only to share my own thoughts and feelings about it, and to share the words below, which required a little bit of background information.
Just in the past few days I've been praying for God to take away my anxiety about money and to keep trusting Him, no matter what life's circumstances bring. Last night I got an email from someone at church asking if I could provide a few gifts for a boy in the church's preschool program who's part of a family in need. I had shown interest a few weeks ago, before we adopted a family, but then never heard anything about it. We had already committed to this other family, but I thought, "I guess I can get a few more gifts for one more.... yeah, I can do that." And then something cool happened today. I won a Walmart gift card in a drawing at my MOPS meeting this morning. I never win anything, and on any other day at any other time of year it would be totally random, but of all the drawings and all the things I could have won... It's not a crazy amount of money, but it's enough.
It's like God was there saying, "I'll provide the money, and you go get the gifts." It was pretty amazing.
Once again, God proves his faithfulness.
... and the most stressful! For whatever reason, this time of year has always been more stressful for me than anything else. For the past few years, the commercialism of Christmas has been bothering me more and more each year... and how much focus is on getting the best Christmas gifts at the best prices...
Last year in particular I'd had just about enough. We get so wrapped up in gift giving, and Santa Clause! Up until now I haven't really told my son Benjamin about Santa Clause, because I just didn't know how. And to be honest, I didn't really want him to know about Santa yet, at least not until he new first the "real reason for the season"... the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. So last year I bought him some Christmas story books and really just focused on that. We did give him gifts, but none of them were from "Santa".
Another reason I would get so stressed about Christmas gifts is I just never knew what to get for people. At first I thought, well maybe I need to really focus on getting to know my family better so that I'll know the perfect Christmas gift to give them. Maybe that was my problem... maybe I didn't pay close enough attention to their needs. So this past year, that's what I tried to do. I really tried to focus, I tried to do less talking and more listening... and then try and remember when the time came what their needs and wants are.
But I came to a conclusion that I didn't quite expect. And the question entered my mind, "What gifts do I buy for people who really do have EVERYTHING they need?" My family is very blessed. We all have everything we could ever need. Sure, there are always things we want. That list seems to be neverending... We could all use a new shirt, new pants, new shoes to go with our new shirts and pants, and new jewelry to top it all off, new tools, new kitchen stuff, new decorations for the house, and on and on... but we don't really need those things. For the most part, the clothes and jewelry and shoes and hats and gloves and everything else, is just fine. It's not torn, it still fits. Perhaps we get bored with what we have, but it still does the job.
And then there's the money, always feeling the need to spend the right about of money for gifts and trying to fit it into the budget. Although I never truly would budget for Christmas gifts, I would just buy what I needed to buy and hope it wouldn't break the bank.
So this year we decided to do something a little different. We're not exchanging gifts this year. Not because I don't want to spend the money, or because I don't want to try and figure out the perfect gift for everyone. I wanted to spend the money we have on people who really and truly NEED the gifts of Christmas. So we've adopted a family in need, 2 young parents with 2 boys around the same ages as ours.
This has been so heavy on my heart this year, and it's truly changed the entire Christmas gift-giving experience for me. We won't be able to actually hand the gifts to the family or meet them or see their faces when they open their gifts. But hopefully we can provide them with a merrier Christmas just the same, and of course we can pray for them.
I've been getting better about not stressing about money this year, and just having faith that God will provide for our needs, one way or another. But Satan still has a way of creeping in and then leaving bits and pieces of doubt and fear behind. The point of this blog was not in any way to place judgement on those who feel differently about Christmas and Santa and gift-giving than I do, but only to share my own thoughts and feelings about it, and to share the words below, which required a little bit of background information.
Just in the past few days I've been praying for God to take away my anxiety about money and to keep trusting Him, no matter what life's circumstances bring. Last night I got an email from someone at church asking if I could provide a few gifts for a boy in the church's preschool program who's part of a family in need. I had shown interest a few weeks ago, before we adopted a family, but then never heard anything about it. We had already committed to this other family, but I thought, "I guess I can get a few more gifts for one more.... yeah, I can do that." And then something cool happened today. I won a Walmart gift card in a drawing at my MOPS meeting this morning. I never win anything, and on any other day at any other time of year it would be totally random, but of all the drawings and all the things I could have won... It's not a crazy amount of money, but it's enough.
It's like God was there saying, "I'll provide the money, and you go get the gifts." It was pretty amazing.
Once again, God proves his faithfulness.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A burden so heavy...
I heard something on my favorite radio station, KLove, the other day that hit me really hard. That's what I love about KLove, it's constantly challenging the way I think and the way I see myself, the world, and God. I loved it so much that I just had to share it because it's one of the truest things I've ever heard and I could truly relate.
It's from the blog of Christian musican Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real. His son, Bowen, was born with an underdeveloped heart and was diagnosed with a rare congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). I believe he was recently released from the hospital and made his way home to his family at nine weeks old.
This excerpt is from a book that Matt read the other day called "Wrestling With An Angel" by Greg Lucas. He writes that it's "a story of love, disability, and the lessons of grace".
"I hear religious minded people say all the time with good intentions, 'God will never place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it.'
Really?
My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on him.
'My power is made perfect in your weakness,' He says, as we strain under our burden.
Whatever the burden, it might indeed get worse, but know this - God is faithful. And while we change and get old, He does not. When we get weaker, He remains strong. And in our weakness and humility, He offers us true, lasting, transforming, and undeserved grace."
- Greg Lucas
It's from the blog of Christian musican Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real. His son, Bowen, was born with an underdeveloped heart and was diagnosed with a rare congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). I believe he was recently released from the hospital and made his way home to his family at nine weeks old.
This excerpt is from a book that Matt read the other day called "Wrestling With An Angel" by Greg Lucas. He writes that it's "a story of love, disability, and the lessons of grace".
"I hear religious minded people say all the time with good intentions, 'God will never place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it.'
Really?
My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on him.
'My power is made perfect in your weakness,' He says, as we strain under our burden.
Whatever the burden, it might indeed get worse, but know this - God is faithful. And while we change and get old, He does not. When we get weaker, He remains strong. And in our weakness and humility, He offers us true, lasting, transforming, and undeserved grace."
- Greg Lucas
Thursday, November 11, 2010
This morning I really wanted to attend a seminar through the Bible study that I go to. I've been looking forward to it and feeling like I really wanted and needed to go. The only thing I didn't prepare for was childcare. Normally when I attend the Bible study, childcare is provided and they actually have a great program for the kids! But for stuff outside of the norm, we have to find our own, which is fine, but it's so hard for me to do... to ask someone to watch my kids for a few hours. It's probably one of the hardest things that I could ask of someone, the most difficult form of help. I'm not quite sure why, I just hate placing that burden on people, especially those who already have kids!
So because of this, I procrastinated on making arrangements for childcare until the last minute. When I finally worked up the guts to call people to ask this huge favor (of course I had no choice as the seminar was the next morning), I found that of the 5 people I called, nobody was available, between field trips with their kid's school, sick kids, and shopping plans, I was left with no babysitter.
I had prayed about it earlier in the day yesterday after making my phone calls and leaving messages. I said, "God, if you want me to go to this seminar, then you'll provide a way. If nobody can help take care of the boys, then I'm not meant to be there tomorrow." And I let it go. Needless to say, I was not able to make it.
So far I've learned two lessons here:
1. Don't procratinate! Especially with important things, like finding a babysitter! I am typically the Queen of Procrastination, and it comes back to bite me all the time. You think I would have learned by now.
2. God is in control. He is in complete control. Always. In every single event that happens. Every day. Everywhere.
For me, one way I've been able to decipher God's will and His answers to prayer in recent years is through circumstances. He actually speaks to me very loudy through circumstance. If it works out, it's meant to be. If it doesn't, it's not, at least not in that particular time and place.
It's really hard to accept God's will sometimes, especially when he says "no" to something I really want. I mean, doesn't God put desires in our hearts? At least that's what I thought. But maybe it's not always meant to work out the way we hope or expect. This seminar is just a small example of this, but it was called "Sharing the Gospel." Now, I would think that's something He would want me to attend, right? But I may never know His reasons for telling me, "Not this time, not now."
As I came to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be able to go to the seminar that I really really wanted to go to, I started thinking more about it... it's been such a busy week! Wait, it's been a busy few weeks! This week has been non-stop I feel like. We've had stuff going on every day, and every morning we've had to be up and out of the house early. Samuel's nap schedule has been totally screwed up. And don't even get me started on our meal schedules this week. It's just been crazy! And tomorrow morning the kids and I leave to go out of town for the weekend. I have a huge pile of laundry and packing to do, and I have unpacking to do from the move before I can even do any packing! I had to get to the grocery store so my hubby has food to eat this weekend while I'm gone, I have to make soup for a church event that I won't be able to attend because I'll be out of town but I committed to it awhile ago... wow, that's a long list! And I was going to try and throw in an 1-1/2 hour seminar! Who do I think I am? Superwoman?? Ha!!!
Or then again, maybe there's a reason God didn't want me on the road this morning at that particular time, or maybe He just wanted me to stay home and write this blog (since it's been, like, forever since I've written!). My point is, there are a million reasons why God does what He does, and everything He does has a specific purpose, and all of it is out of His unbelieveable, unconditional, unimaginable love for us.
For me, it all comes back to Trust, another common theme for me lately. Trusting that God is in total control, and like a parent to a child, He knows what's best for me better than I do. All the time. In every circumstance. And I know there are times when he says, "No"that it's easier to just accept and move on, like today, and other times my reaction may be to stomp around and piss and moan and whine and complain that it's not fair, and question His reasoning. But seriously, I have to continue to ask myself, as I try give up control of my life, do I really trust that God knows what He's doing??? Well... I think I'm getting there.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
So because of this, I procrastinated on making arrangements for childcare until the last minute. When I finally worked up the guts to call people to ask this huge favor (of course I had no choice as the seminar was the next morning), I found that of the 5 people I called, nobody was available, between field trips with their kid's school, sick kids, and shopping plans, I was left with no babysitter.
I had prayed about it earlier in the day yesterday after making my phone calls and leaving messages. I said, "God, if you want me to go to this seminar, then you'll provide a way. If nobody can help take care of the boys, then I'm not meant to be there tomorrow." And I let it go. Needless to say, I was not able to make it.
So far I've learned two lessons here:
1. Don't procratinate! Especially with important things, like finding a babysitter! I am typically the Queen of Procrastination, and it comes back to bite me all the time. You think I would have learned by now.
2. God is in control. He is in complete control. Always. In every single event that happens. Every day. Everywhere.
For me, one way I've been able to decipher God's will and His answers to prayer in recent years is through circumstances. He actually speaks to me very loudy through circumstance. If it works out, it's meant to be. If it doesn't, it's not, at least not in that particular time and place.
It's really hard to accept God's will sometimes, especially when he says "no" to something I really want. I mean, doesn't God put desires in our hearts? At least that's what I thought. But maybe it's not always meant to work out the way we hope or expect. This seminar is just a small example of this, but it was called "Sharing the Gospel." Now, I would think that's something He would want me to attend, right? But I may never know His reasons for telling me, "Not this time, not now."
As I came to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be able to go to the seminar that I really really wanted to go to, I started thinking more about it... it's been such a busy week! Wait, it's been a busy few weeks! This week has been non-stop I feel like. We've had stuff going on every day, and every morning we've had to be up and out of the house early. Samuel's nap schedule has been totally screwed up. And don't even get me started on our meal schedules this week. It's just been crazy! And tomorrow morning the kids and I leave to go out of town for the weekend. I have a huge pile of laundry and packing to do, and I have unpacking to do from the move before I can even do any packing! I had to get to the grocery store so my hubby has food to eat this weekend while I'm gone, I have to make soup for a church event that I won't be able to attend because I'll be out of town but I committed to it awhile ago... wow, that's a long list! And I was going to try and throw in an 1-1/2 hour seminar! Who do I think I am? Superwoman?? Ha!!!
Or then again, maybe there's a reason God didn't want me on the road this morning at that particular time, or maybe He just wanted me to stay home and write this blog (since it's been, like, forever since I've written!). My point is, there are a million reasons why God does what He does, and everything He does has a specific purpose, and all of it is out of His unbelieveable, unconditional, unimaginable love for us.
For me, it all comes back to Trust, another common theme for me lately. Trusting that God is in total control, and like a parent to a child, He knows what's best for me better than I do. All the time. In every circumstance. And I know there are times when he says, "No"that it's easier to just accept and move on, like today, and other times my reaction may be to stomp around and piss and moan and whine and complain that it's not fair, and question His reasoning. But seriously, I have to continue to ask myself, as I try give up control of my life, do I really trust that God knows what He's doing??? Well... I think I'm getting there.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
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