Overwhelmed by Awesomeness

This will probably sound a little bit crazy, but a few days ago, I received an email from God. Yes, that's right. Although it was technically from 'Amazon.com', there was no doubt in my mind then and even moreso now, that it was sent from God.

I don't even know what made me open it, this email recommending a book to me, because I usually just delete this kind of stuff. I suppose it was the title of the book that jumped out at me, "Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God," by Francis Chan. I don't know what I clicked on, but all of a sudden the online version of the book was opened up on the computer screen in front of me... as I scrolled through the Table of Contents, Forward, Preface... I started reading, and was immediately captivated. I read enough into the first chapter to find his reference to the website, http://www.crazylovebook.com/, and a video on the website called the "Awe Factor."

So I figured "what the heck, I'll check out the video. It basically starts with a picture of the Earth and continues to zoom out further and further until you can see the sun, our galaxy, other galaxies... I can't remember how many light years away it goes... All I can say is I know why it's called the "Awe Factor". Because I just sat there, in complete awe, feeling so small, like the tiniest little spec. It's not like I haven't seen this type of thing before in science class or on the discovery channel, and I know the universe is pretty huge, endless, but when I watched this video, in that moment, I literally sat there, at a loss for words, in the awesome presence of God. Talk about humbling!!!

I had no choice but the take the enormous "hint" and purchase the book. I've been on the lookout for a new book anyway. But I did not expect for God to stop me dead in my tracks like this. I don't think I've ever received a clearer message from Him, at least not one that I recognized and listened to.

Despite the fact that I selected standard shipping, the book arrived the day after I ordered it, which was 2 days ago, and so far I'm just completely overwhelmed at how much I don't know about who God really is, and His overwhelming love for me... for all of us! And I know I'm only scratching the surface. The best way I can describe this experience is, it's as if God used modern day technology to literally speak to me, to tell me He wants to be closer to me, and He wants me to be closer to him, to really know Him. I started thinking about He knew me before I He created me, before I was born, that He knows how many hairs are on my head! I mean, I feel like my faith has really grown and strengthened over the past year or two, but it's time to start digging deeper.

Wow, I didn't really realize when I started writing this post that I would even have this much to say right now. Just... WOW. The first night I started reading the book, I was overcome with peace and joy, and recited this to myself over and over as I fell asleep:

"Holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come."

Today marks 7 years that my husband and I have been married. Although 7 years may not seem like a lot, when I think back on the things we've been through, it really is something to celebrate!

My marriage is a HUGE part of my journey! With each mountain we climb and valley we stumble through, I come out on the other side just a little bit different. Sometimes it's with a better understanding of my husband. Sometimes it's with a better understanding of myself. Sometimes it's both.

As anyone knows who's ever been married, it isn't easy. If it was, of course nobody would be divorced. In the past 7 years I believe I have learned the essentials of what it takes to keep our marriage strong (in no particular order):

1. Good Communication
2. Understanding
3. Listening
4. Compromise
5. Agree to disagree
6. Laughter
7. Lots and lots of Hugs

These are just a few I could think of off the top of my head. And I still struggle with some of these things, as easy and "common sense" as they may seem.

We read a book recently called "The Five Love Languages", and aside from learning what each other's primary love language is and learning how to speak it (which I'm still working on and reminding myself of on a regular basis), probably the biggest lesson I took away from it is that love is a choice.... Every day when I wake up, I can choose to communicate to him what I'm thinking and feeling, I can choose to try and understand what he's feeling if it's different from me, I can choose to listen without interrupting (very difficult for me sometimes), and I can choose to show him how much I love him through his love language. Looking back on the difficult times, I think we struggle the most when I choose not to do at least one of those things, even if it's unconsciously.

Even through the bad times, and especially through the good times, my husband makes me a stronger, better person. He challenges me. He is everything I am not. I am everything he is not. In so many ways we are as different as two people can possibly be. But I think that's part of what makes us so great.

At this time tomorrow morning, my husband and I will be leaving to take our 7-month-old baby Samuel to Riley Children's Hospital for outpatient surgery. His left testicle never dropped, so I guess the doc just has to go in and drop it and set it in place. Seems pretty simple. I just found out about this surgery about a week ago, and up until now it's seemed like not a very big deal. But now... I'm an emotional mess. It's not like I think anything's really going to happen or go wrong, but what if it does?

I had originally thought that it would be best to find someone to take care of Benjamin because I didn't think he would do very well in a hospital for that long, but then last night... I started really stressing about it. He's in such a fragile stage in his potty training right now. He's been doing so awesome and I'm afraid that he wouldn't do well with someone else here, someone who he doesn't know very well. And my gut just started telling me that I want him with us. And the thought of leaving him behind... at 6:15am we would walk out the door with Samuel and leave him here... I just don't see that going very well for either of us! I'm sure he'd probaby be fine, but I just don't think I could handle the stress of worrying about Samuel in surgery and then worrying about how Benjamin is doing at home... I need to know at least one of my boys is ok!

At first I thought maybe last night I was just being really emotional and that it would pass, but this morning I woke up in the same messy emotional state. I came down to write and then Benjamin woke up, and today is not a good wake-up day. These days are few and far between, but it solidifies my decision to bring him with us.

Although I have handed Samuel's surgery over to God, knowing he's in good hands still doesn't make it any easier for me as a mother. Since yesterday, every time I hold him now I have a hard time letting him go. This morning when he woke up at 5:30 hungry, I just stared down at the precious baby boy in my arms. After his bottle he fell back asleep and I just held him for a few extra minutes longer.

If I'm having a hard time with this, I wonder how I'll handle preschool, or kindergarden... or college...

So much time and nothin' to do

Today has been a hard day. I woke up this morning with a cold/sinusy flu thingy and it just really dampened my spirits. For a split second, I longed for my pre-motherhood days when I could call in sick and go back to bed. But moms don't get sick days, so I did the only thing I could do... suck it up, take a shot of DayQuil, and do my best to get through the day. The house was a mess and dishes weren't done, and it was driving me crazy, but I had no motivation to do anything about it. It was hot and humid outside and I was forced to turn on the AC... again... which I hate. I wanted to be outside but I didn't feel well but I didn't want to be inside but it was too hot. I was having one of "those" days. There were so many times today that I felt like crying. And a few times I actually started to. But I stopped myself and started asking why. The way I was feeling today was not just "sick". There was something else going on and I needed to figure out what.

Oh yes, it's the beginning of Memorial Day weekend. This is the first year in I don't know how long that we haven't had plans for the long holiday weekend. We've always gone away to see friends or family. I tried making plans, several times. But the door closed in my face on everything I tried to plan, until it became clear that this year our plan was... no plan. This is somewhat uncharted territory for me. And it might sound a little bit silly, but I'm just not a "stay-home-and-do-nothing" kind of person these days. Maybe it's because since becoming a stay-home mom I'm home-bound a lot more than I used to be, so when a long weekend does come along I get an itch to do something or go somewhere. And since my husband has a difficult time getting vacation time for long weekends unless he makes plans well in advance, these long holiday weekends are cherished and we try to take advantage of them every chance we get. Then hearing about all of my friends and family having things to do and places to go this weekend, I started feeling kinda sorry for myself. Although I'm feeling rather sick so I sorta don't feel like doing anything at the same time. What a pickle I'm in!

Then I started thinking (uh-oh! She's thinking again!). Since reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life" I can't help but feel like every challenge or difficulty has a purpose. So as I was vaccuming up all the dog hair that was annoying me today, I started to ask God, "why have you closed all the doors to my plans for this weekend?" Seems like a silly question to be asking Him. "Do you have something else planned for me??? Well... I'm open! I'm listening! Talk to me."

While I was vaccuming and discussing with God the plans I didn't have for the next 3 days, Benjamin was outside playing in the dirt, one of his favorite things to do. He came to the patio door and said, "Mommy, I'm all dirty!" So I asked him if he needed to be washed off with the hose. His eyes brightened and a big smile came to his face... that was all the answer I needed. I turned on the hose and washed off his legs, feet and hands. Then he said, "I want to do it," his response to just about everything these days. And he proceeded to spray me! It was shockingly cold, but on this 85-degree, very humid day, it actually felt kinda good. And as you can imagine, this quickly turned into an impromtu water hose fight. At the end we were both laughing and soaked! And I realized that God was using my 2-year-old son to answer my questions. This completely changed my attitude.

So tomorrow I'm looking forward to a BBQ at a friend's house, and Sunday Frank is planning on going to the Indy 500, while the boys and I do I don't know what. And Monday... nothing so far. I'm excited and curious for whatever God has planned for me. Because I'm giving my time to God, and if God is in charge, I know it's gunna be good.

Today I played like a child. Since my last post, my energy seems to have returned and I've been feeling really good. We're visiting family this weekend and today we took Great Gramma K to the park. Since Gram was there to hold Samuel, my husband and I were free to play with Benjamin. We started out on the swings in a race up to the sky... and before long I found myself running around the playground right beside my 2 1/2 year old!

It was so much fun!!! It was so refreshing because I've been feeling so OLD lately. Seriously, between my exhaustion and back and knee pain that I've been having lately, at only 31 years old, I'm afraid of how I'll be feeling in 10 years. They say "you're only as old as you feel." Right?

Well, today I had about 30 minutes when I remembered what it feels like to just run and jump and play! I remembered what it feels like to not have a care in the world, except where my feet are stepping and which slide I would go down next. My blood was rushing and my heart was pounding and I was... happy. Not that I'm not happy otherwise, but the innocent bliss of a child playing at the playground is something I wouldn't mind experiencing a little more often.

Just have a little Faith

As I was washing dishes yesterday, I had all of these thoughts that I wanted to get down on paper, and then as soon as I got Benjamin his juice and Samuel his bottle and talked to my Dad for a few minutes, I was finally ready to sit down and write... and then the train of thought was gone.

That's been happening a lot lately, which is why it's been like 2 weeks since my last post! That, and I've just been plain exhausted. No energy, no motivation to do much of anything lately. I've been feeling kinda heavy. Maybe it's the weather. Or maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's God's way of slowing me down, because He knows that I don't do it very well on my own. There's always something to do, somewhere to be. So maybe when I get like this, as I seem to every now and then, it's God's way of telling me to just "Be Still, Kristen. Be still and know that I am God."

I've been praying a lot lately. My list seems to be growing by the day, so much that I feel like I need to actually start a physical list! Although God always seems to let me know in some way who needs my prayers. So many people I know... family, friends, acquaintances, and people whose names I don't even know, are going through such difficult times... job loss, long-term unemployment, marriage and relationship troubles, big decisions looming, illness and incurable disease, depression, friends who are struggling with motherhood, friends who want babies but are having difficulty, the young women in front of me in the checkout line at Walmart who pulls out food stamps to pay for her groceries, people whose homes are destroyed by natural disaster... I've realized lately that I tend to spend a lot of time and energy immersed in my own life and the worries of my family, and my eyes and ears are closed to the needs of others around me. As I write this, I can see it all starting to unfold over the past few weeks... the message God has been trying to send me.

Two days ago I was feeling particularly down and heavy. It was just one of "those" days. I got the kids in the car to head to the grocery, mostly to get out of the house, and Benjamin was out of diapers, and I really needed to listen to my radio station, Positive and Encouraging K-Love. When I got into the car to drive back home, the radio host was talking about a Bible verse, something about birds and how they don't sow or reap or worry, that God provides for them and that we are much more important... I don't remember the exact words she used but it really struck me hard! Not that I was in a place where I was worrying about a lot of stuff. At least not consciously. But then I thought about all of my friends and family who I've been praying for recently who have a lot of worry in their lives right now. So maybe this message was more for them, and God wanted to use me to share it...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" ~ Matthew 6:25-27

At the time I didn't know where this scripture was in the Bible, so I asked a friend who stopped by shortly after I heard this in the car. She knew what scripture I was referring to, but couldn't remember exactly what it was, so she said she would email it to me when she got home. When she did email it to me later that day, she wrote that when she went to her Bible to look it up, she opened to the exact page that the scripture was on. Of course I believed her, because similar things have happened to me, I know God is just awesome like that! And it reaffirmed what I had been thinking, that there was some kind of importance to the timing of it. I was so inspired that I just couldn't keep it to myself!

If we have faith in Him, God does provide everything we need! When my husband and I lived in southern IL and he was in school full time and I was only working part time and Benjamin was a baby, I remember one specific day that fear got the best of me... I didn't know how we were going to continue to pay our rent and I'd been paying for food with a credit card, and I just broke down sobbing! I remember the exact words my husband, who is not a very religious man, said to me, "Kristen, can't you just have faith that God will provide for us? He's provided everything to us up to this point! Just have a little faith!"

Those words stopped me dead in my tracks. And I renewed my faith right there. God had opened all of the doors for us to be in the place where we were, He wasn't about to abandon us. And as soon as I decided to have faith, it was like a warm blanket of peace and comfort came over me. Money continued to come from unexpected places, and we made it through. Not only does God provide for every need, but he also continues to provide that peace and comfort through all of my challenges and struggles. And I've heard so many people tell me the same thing!

One last thought... a friend gave me book yesterday and in the introduction were the words, "It is our job to pray. It is God's job to answer." Although the answer may not come right away, and it may not be what we expect or want to hear. But if we can just keep our eyes and ears and hearts open, and just have a little faith, we're all going to be okay.

Weakness Exposed

This morning I'm letting it all hang out. God has challenged me to look inside and find my weaknesses. It seems easy enough, but sometimes it's really hard! I mean, who wants to admit their true weakness?

This morning I realized one of them. When I am lacking sleep, I'm... not quite myself, to say the least. I get angry and frustrated at the smallest, stupidest things! Samuel, my nearly 6-month-old, has decided that he doesn't want to sleep through the night right now. Wait... let me rephrase that. It's not like he's thinking, "Hmmm.... let's see if I can really throw Mom for a loop by waking up crying a couple times a night." No. He's only 6 months old! He's teething. He's growing. He's hungry. He's hot. He's cold. He needs reassurance. And I'm his mother. It's my job to take care of all those things. I made that choice. Little did I realize that my weaknesses would be exposed in that decision.

I've learned through having children that if I don't get a good, solid 7-8 hours of sleep, I'm grumpy. I wake up cranky. And on some days, I take it out on my sweet little boys.

Like this morning... last night Samuel was up at 3am, and again at 5:15. I made it back to bed at 5:45, only to have my husband's alarm go off 15 minutes later. As I drifted back to sleep, my husband came in asking if I knew where his hair brush was, which I did because moms are supposed to know where everything is, right? (Benjamin had misplaced it in a different drawer). That's also part of my job as a mom, which I fail at miserably sometimes. Anyway, then Benjamin came in 5 minutes later with a wet diaper. Change diaper. I ask him to lay with me in bed, which 6 out of 7 days, he does. Today was the 1 day day he didn't. Husband brings up juice and a movie to watch in his room. Husband takes Ben to his room while I lay in bed. Ben doesn't want to sit in his bed because it's wet. Ben has tantrum in hallway. BEN WAKES UP SAM.

At this point I stomp out of bed and into Ben's room, pull the covers off of his bed, put the quilt on the bed with another blanket and say, "There! It's dry!" I stomp out. This upsets Ben even more. I stop. I ask myself, "What am I doing?" Sure, I'm frustrated that I didn't get enough sleep. But at this point, I have a choice to make.

I went back to Ben, knelt down beside his bed, lowered my voice to a loud whisper, and politely asked him what I could do for him to make him feel better. This was a much better tactic and he calmed down almost instantly. (Well, DUH!)

Two minutes later he was content in his bed with his juice, dinosaurs, sleeping bag, fuzzy blanket and movie. I shamefully walked back into my room and slipped into bed. As I listenedd to Sam cooing quietly and happily in his crib, I prayed.

God, please forgive me for the way I acted toward Benjamin this morning. My weakness is not his problem. It's mine. Thank you for blessing me with Benjamin and Samuel, and my wonderful, supportive and understanding husband, Frank. Thank you for exposing this weakness to me, for I bring it to you and ask for strength. Please give me the courage to admit my weaknesses to myself, my husband, and my boys, to embrace them as part of me, and use them to become closer to you. Thank you, Jesus, for dying on the cross for my sins. I am a sinful person and I don't deserve it, but through your Sacrifice and Grace, I am Forgiven. Amen.

After all of this the thought crossed my mind that I probably shouldn't be letting my kids see my weaknesses and my mistakes, but I quickly changed that train of thought. I think it's good for them to see that Mommy isn't perfect. I'm not Supermom. And it's okay that my kids aren't perfect and they often don't act the way I want them to at the time that I want them to. Mommy makes mistakes. They make mistakes. And I think it's actually good for them to see the process: mistake through weakness... repentance... forgiveness... move on.

Pancakes, anyone?