Today has been a hard day. I woke up this morning with a cold/sinusy flu thingy and it just really dampened my spirits. For a split second, I longed for my pre-motherhood days when I could call in sick and go back to bed. But moms don't get sick days, so I did the only thing I could do... suck it up, take a shot of DayQuil, and do my best to get through the day. The house was a mess and dishes weren't done, and it was driving me crazy, but I had no motivation to do anything about it. It was hot and humid outside and I was forced to turn on the AC... again... which I hate. I wanted to be outside but I didn't feel well but I didn't want to be inside but it was too hot. I was having one of "those" days. There were so many times today that I felt like crying. And a few times I actually started to. But I stopped myself and started asking why. The way I was feeling today was not just "sick". There was something else going on and I needed to figure out what.
Oh yes, it's the beginning of Memorial Day weekend. This is the first year in I don't know how long that we haven't had plans for the long holiday weekend. We've always gone away to see friends or family. I tried making plans, several times. But the door closed in my face on everything I tried to plan, until it became clear that this year our plan was... no plan. This is somewhat uncharted territory for me. And it might sound a little bit silly, but I'm just not a "stay-home-and-do-nothing" kind of person these days. Maybe it's because since becoming a stay-home mom I'm home-bound a lot more than I used to be, so when a long weekend does come along I get an itch to do something or go somewhere. And since my husband has a difficult time getting vacation time for long weekends unless he makes plans well in advance, these long holiday weekends are cherished and we try to take advantage of them every chance we get. Then hearing about all of my friends and family having things to do and places to go this weekend, I started feeling kinda sorry for myself. Although I'm feeling rather sick so I sorta don't feel like doing anything at the same time. What a pickle I'm in!
Then I started thinking (uh-oh! She's thinking again!). Since reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life" I can't help but feel like every challenge or difficulty has a purpose. So as I was vaccuming up all the dog hair that was annoying me today, I started to ask God, "why have you closed all the doors to my plans for this weekend?" Seems like a silly question to be asking Him. "Do you have something else planned for me??? Well... I'm open! I'm listening! Talk to me."
While I was vaccuming and discussing with God the plans I didn't have for the next 3 days, Benjamin was outside playing in the dirt, one of his favorite things to do. He came to the patio door and said, "Mommy, I'm all dirty!" So I asked him if he needed to be washed off with the hose. His eyes brightened and a big smile came to his face... that was all the answer I needed. I turned on the hose and washed off his legs, feet and hands. Then he said, "I want to do it," his response to just about everything these days. And he proceeded to spray me! It was shockingly cold, but on this 85-degree, very humid day, it actually felt kinda good. And as you can imagine, this quickly turned into an impromtu water hose fight. At the end we were both laughing and soaked! And I realized that God was using my 2-year-old son to answer my questions. This completely changed my attitude.
So tomorrow I'm looking forward to a BBQ at a friend's house, and Sunday Frank is planning on going to the Indy 500, while the boys and I do I don't know what. And Monday... nothing so far. I'm excited and curious for whatever God has planned for me. Because I'm giving my time to God, and if God is in charge, I know it's gunna be good.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Today I played like a child. Since my last post, my energy seems to have returned and I've been feeling really good. We're visiting family this weekend and today we took Great Gramma K to the park. Since Gram was there to hold Samuel, my husband and I were free to play with Benjamin. We started out on the swings in a race up to the sky... and before long I found myself running around the playground right beside my 2 1/2 year old!
It was so much fun!!! It was so refreshing because I've been feeling so OLD lately. Seriously, between my exhaustion and back and knee pain that I've been having lately, at only 31 years old, I'm afraid of how I'll be feeling in 10 years. They say "you're only as old as you feel." Right?
Well, today I had about 30 minutes when I remembered what it feels like to just run and jump and play! I remembered what it feels like to not have a care in the world, except where my feet are stepping and which slide I would go down next. My blood was rushing and my heart was pounding and I was... happy. Not that I'm not happy otherwise, but the innocent bliss of a child playing at the playground is something I wouldn't mind experiencing a little more often.
It was so much fun!!! It was so refreshing because I've been feeling so OLD lately. Seriously, between my exhaustion and back and knee pain that I've been having lately, at only 31 years old, I'm afraid of how I'll be feeling in 10 years. They say "you're only as old as you feel." Right?
Well, today I had about 30 minutes when I remembered what it feels like to just run and jump and play! I remembered what it feels like to not have a care in the world, except where my feet are stepping and which slide I would go down next. My blood was rushing and my heart was pounding and I was... happy. Not that I'm not happy otherwise, but the innocent bliss of a child playing at the playground is something I wouldn't mind experiencing a little more often.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Just have a little Faith
As I was washing dishes yesterday, I had all of these thoughts that I wanted to get down on paper, and then as soon as I got Benjamin his juice and Samuel his bottle and talked to my Dad for a few minutes, I was finally ready to sit down and write... and then the train of thought was gone.
That's been happening a lot lately, which is why it's been like 2 weeks since my last post! That, and I've just been plain exhausted. No energy, no motivation to do much of anything lately. I've been feeling kinda heavy. Maybe it's the weather. Or maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's God's way of slowing me down, because He knows that I don't do it very well on my own. There's always something to do, somewhere to be. So maybe when I get like this, as I seem to every now and then, it's God's way of telling me to just "Be Still, Kristen. Be still and know that I am God."
I've been praying a lot lately. My list seems to be growing by the day, so much that I feel like I need to actually start a physical list! Although God always seems to let me know in some way who needs my prayers. So many people I know... family, friends, acquaintances, and people whose names I don't even know, are going through such difficult times... job loss, long-term unemployment, marriage and relationship troubles, big decisions looming, illness and incurable disease, depression, friends who are struggling with motherhood, friends who want babies but are having difficulty, the young women in front of me in the checkout line at Walmart who pulls out food stamps to pay for her groceries, people whose homes are destroyed by natural disaster... I've realized lately that I tend to spend a lot of time and energy immersed in my own life and the worries of my family, and my eyes and ears are closed to the needs of others around me. As I write this, I can see it all starting to unfold over the past few weeks... the message God has been trying to send me.
Two days ago I was feeling particularly down and heavy. It was just one of "those" days. I got the kids in the car to head to the grocery, mostly to get out of the house, and Benjamin was out of diapers, and I really needed to listen to my radio station, Positive and Encouraging K-Love. When I got into the car to drive back home, the radio host was talking about a Bible verse, something about birds and how they don't sow or reap or worry, that God provides for them and that we are much more important... I don't remember the exact words she used but it really struck me hard! Not that I was in a place where I was worrying about a lot of stuff. At least not consciously. But then I thought about all of my friends and family who I've been praying for recently who have a lot of worry in their lives right now. So maybe this message was more for them, and God wanted to use me to share it...
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" ~ Matthew 6:25-27
At the time I didn't know where this scripture was in the Bible, so I asked a friend who stopped by shortly after I heard this in the car. She knew what scripture I was referring to, but couldn't remember exactly what it was, so she said she would email it to me when she got home. When she did email it to me later that day, she wrote that when she went to her Bible to look it up, she opened to the exact page that the scripture was on. Of course I believed her, because similar things have happened to me, I know God is just awesome like that! And it reaffirmed what I had been thinking, that there was some kind of importance to the timing of it. I was so inspired that I just couldn't keep it to myself!
If we have faith in Him, God does provide everything we need! When my husband and I lived in southern IL and he was in school full time and I was only working part time and Benjamin was a baby, I remember one specific day that fear got the best of me... I didn't know how we were going to continue to pay our rent and I'd been paying for food with a credit card, and I just broke down sobbing! I remember the exact words my husband, who is not a very religious man, said to me, "Kristen, can't you just have faith that God will provide for us? He's provided everything to us up to this point! Just have a little faith!"
Those words stopped me dead in my tracks. And I renewed my faith right there. God had opened all of the doors for us to be in the place where we were, He wasn't about to abandon us. And as soon as I decided to have faith, it was like a warm blanket of peace and comfort came over me. Money continued to come from unexpected places, and we made it through. Not only does God provide for every need, but he also continues to provide that peace and comfort through all of my challenges and struggles. And I've heard so many people tell me the same thing!
One last thought... a friend gave me book yesterday and in the introduction were the words, "It is our job to pray. It is God's job to answer." Although the answer may not come right away, and it may not be what we expect or want to hear. But if we can just keep our eyes and ears and hearts open, and just have a little faith, we're all going to be okay.
That's been happening a lot lately, which is why it's been like 2 weeks since my last post! That, and I've just been plain exhausted. No energy, no motivation to do much of anything lately. I've been feeling kinda heavy. Maybe it's the weather. Or maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's God's way of slowing me down, because He knows that I don't do it very well on my own. There's always something to do, somewhere to be. So maybe when I get like this, as I seem to every now and then, it's God's way of telling me to just "Be Still, Kristen. Be still and know that I am God."
I've been praying a lot lately. My list seems to be growing by the day, so much that I feel like I need to actually start a physical list! Although God always seems to let me know in some way who needs my prayers. So many people I know... family, friends, acquaintances, and people whose names I don't even know, are going through such difficult times... job loss, long-term unemployment, marriage and relationship troubles, big decisions looming, illness and incurable disease, depression, friends who are struggling with motherhood, friends who want babies but are having difficulty, the young women in front of me in the checkout line at Walmart who pulls out food stamps to pay for her groceries, people whose homes are destroyed by natural disaster... I've realized lately that I tend to spend a lot of time and energy immersed in my own life and the worries of my family, and my eyes and ears are closed to the needs of others around me. As I write this, I can see it all starting to unfold over the past few weeks... the message God has been trying to send me.
Two days ago I was feeling particularly down and heavy. It was just one of "those" days. I got the kids in the car to head to the grocery, mostly to get out of the house, and Benjamin was out of diapers, and I really needed to listen to my radio station, Positive and Encouraging K-Love. When I got into the car to drive back home, the radio host was talking about a Bible verse, something about birds and how they don't sow or reap or worry, that God provides for them and that we are much more important... I don't remember the exact words she used but it really struck me hard! Not that I was in a place where I was worrying about a lot of stuff. At least not consciously. But then I thought about all of my friends and family who I've been praying for recently who have a lot of worry in their lives right now. So maybe this message was more for them, and God wanted to use me to share it...
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" ~ Matthew 6:25-27
At the time I didn't know where this scripture was in the Bible, so I asked a friend who stopped by shortly after I heard this in the car. She knew what scripture I was referring to, but couldn't remember exactly what it was, so she said she would email it to me when she got home. When she did email it to me later that day, she wrote that when she went to her Bible to look it up, she opened to the exact page that the scripture was on. Of course I believed her, because similar things have happened to me, I know God is just awesome like that! And it reaffirmed what I had been thinking, that there was some kind of importance to the timing of it. I was so inspired that I just couldn't keep it to myself!
If we have faith in Him, God does provide everything we need! When my husband and I lived in southern IL and he was in school full time and I was only working part time and Benjamin was a baby, I remember one specific day that fear got the best of me... I didn't know how we were going to continue to pay our rent and I'd been paying for food with a credit card, and I just broke down sobbing! I remember the exact words my husband, who is not a very religious man, said to me, "Kristen, can't you just have faith that God will provide for us? He's provided everything to us up to this point! Just have a little faith!"
Those words stopped me dead in my tracks. And I renewed my faith right there. God had opened all of the doors for us to be in the place where we were, He wasn't about to abandon us. And as soon as I decided to have faith, it was like a warm blanket of peace and comfort came over me. Money continued to come from unexpected places, and we made it through. Not only does God provide for every need, but he also continues to provide that peace and comfort through all of my challenges and struggles. And I've heard so many people tell me the same thing!
One last thought... a friend gave me book yesterday and in the introduction were the words, "It is our job to pray. It is God's job to answer." Although the answer may not come right away, and it may not be what we expect or want to hear. But if we can just keep our eyes and ears and hearts open, and just have a little faith, we're all going to be okay.
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