At this time tomorrow morning, my husband and I will be leaving to take our 7-month-old baby Samuel to Riley Children's Hospital for outpatient surgery. His left testicle never dropped, so I guess the doc just has to go in and drop it and set it in place. Seems pretty simple. I just found out about this surgery about a week ago, and up until now it's seemed like not a very big deal. But now... I'm an emotional mess. It's not like I think anything's really going to happen or go wrong, but what if it does?

I had originally thought that it would be best to find someone to take care of Benjamin because I didn't think he would do very well in a hospital for that long, but then last night... I started really stressing about it. He's in such a fragile stage in his potty training right now. He's been doing so awesome and I'm afraid that he wouldn't do well with someone else here, someone who he doesn't know very well. And my gut just started telling me that I want him with us. And the thought of leaving him behind... at 6:15am we would walk out the door with Samuel and leave him here... I just don't see that going very well for either of us! I'm sure he'd probaby be fine, but I just don't think I could handle the stress of worrying about Samuel in surgery and then worrying about how Benjamin is doing at home... I need to know at least one of my boys is ok!

At first I thought maybe last night I was just being really emotional and that it would pass, but this morning I woke up in the same messy emotional state. I came down to write and then Benjamin woke up, and today is not a good wake-up day. These days are few and far between, but it solidifies my decision to bring him with us.

Although I have handed Samuel's surgery over to God, knowing he's in good hands still doesn't make it any easier for me as a mother. Since yesterday, every time I hold him now I have a hard time letting him go. This morning when he woke up at 5:30 hungry, I just stared down at the precious baby boy in my arms. After his bottle he fell back asleep and I just held him for a few extra minutes longer.

If I'm having a hard time with this, I wonder how I'll handle preschool, or kindergarden... or college...