Looking Back or Looking Ahead?

This time of year is of course most recognized for reflection... on the past year's accomplishments and failures... and the upcoming year's goals, things we want to do differently... things we want to change to make our lives better... to make ourselves better.


I've had so many thoughts going through my mind the past couple days on this subject that it's kind of hard for me to narrow it down right now. Maybe it'll take a few entries to get it all out. I mean, 2010 was a great year. We bought a house and made the committment to stay where we are and settle down for awhile, Frank got a promotion at work, both boys hit countless development milestones, I stepped up to a leadership position in my MOPS group, and have learned so much more about God and myself through Bible Study Fellowship. Yeah, you could say 2010 was a very productive year!

I've never really been a believer in new years resolutions. Maybe it's because I've never been one to hold to it. I stick with it for about the first month or so. Or maybe even a few weeks. But that's just me. Maybe it's because I have to really be ready to make a change for myself. It can't be because it's January 1st when our society says "Ok! It's time to make a change!" It just doesn't work for me that way. Life's challenges don't go by a calendar. Every day creates a new opportunity to make a change. Every day is an opportunity to make different decisions... better decisions. Every morning provides a clean slate. And it's what I choose to do with it that will determine whether or not a change will take place. I struggle with that most of the time... maybe because I'm lazy. Because it's harder to make a change. It's hard to make a decision to break an unhealthy habit. Or rather it's easy to make the decision, but hard to take action and follow through. It's so much easier to just go through the motions, day and day out.

But eventually, and not necessarily at the beginning of a new year, I grow tired of going through the motions. It creates a numbness in a way. Not the same kind of numbness that comes with depression, but more of a contentment with the way things are, not because I'm happy with it, but because it's just easier... it's comfortable.


On KLove the other day they were talking about choosing a word to live by in the new year, something that will drive your decisions and your way of life. I like that idea. So I've been thinking and praying about what my word might be. One word that God keeps bringing to my mind is faith. I'm not sure exactly it would entail. Maybe it's faith in myself, to be stronger, more confident, to make those tough, but better, decisions. Maybe it'll be a reminder to put my faith and trust in God instead of other people and worldly things, which I have really struggled with in my life. Or maybe it's faith in my marriage. Frank and I experienced quite a bit of struggle last year in our marriage. We've always had our ups and downs, it's never really been an easy road for us. We're headed in a healthier direction now than we were a few months ago, but we still have a ways to go. Or maybe it's all of these things.

Faith, according to Hebrews 11:1, is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

But another word that has been creeping into my mind the past 2 days is passion. The chorus from the song "The Motions" by Matthew West has been playing over and over in my mind today:

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

Perhaps this year I need to rediscover the things that I'm passionate about. It's easy to lose that passion when you become a parent, because your kids take everything you have. At least that's been my experience. I'm definitley passionate about being a good mom, but at the same time, "Who was I before I became a mom?" Or better yet, "Who do I want to be aside from a mom?" That's one of the things that I've always admired about Frank, one of the things that first attracted me to him (besides his devastatingly good looks :) He has a passion inside of him for everything he does. And that passion has motivated him to follow his dreams in the automotive industry. In the past few years I've basically just been supportive to him, following where he goes. And I've been happy to do it. But what about me??? What am I passionate about? What are my dreams? What motivates me? These are questions that I have struggled with and prayed about, and I think God has been giving me bits and pieces of answers to those questions, but I still need to fit those pieces together. Because life isn't about just going through the motions.

So I guess I still have some things to think about and pray about going into the new year.