The Journey Continues...

It's been a long time since I've written, for many reasons. I've been trying to hold true to the reason I started this blog in the first place. I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit to do it, because I felt that God had things to say through me. So when I don't write, it's when I don't feel the words coming to me from Him.

I've also been struggling with depression these past few months. I'm feeling much better now, but January and February were pretty rough. I think it had something to do with those winter blues, but it was also a little bit more than that. I was just feeling so disconnected... from God... from my husband... from myself.

But looking back, I really feel that God allowed it because He had things to teach me, and He needed me to be still. Which is interesting because I realized that was part of my problem. Being still was part of what was causing my depression. So I started making plans to get more involved and get out of the house more, as I thought that would help. And it did. I joined a health club, after years and years of not wanting to spend the money. But it's really helped me. They offer childcare, so it's a time to myself that I just don't get at home, time to myself that I really need. I have my favorite songs from KLove on my ipod so it's actually often a time of reflection.

But as I've started to feel better, I still wonder, "why was I struggling so much with 'being still'?" I'm still not quite sure, but I've thought that maybe it's because in my stillness, I was self-absored. I was thinking only of myself and how tired and unmotivated I was feeling. I wasn't praying. I wasn't seeking God. I would do my Bible study to get it done, and I would learn things, but not to maintain. I was emotionally suffering, and as a result, my marriage was suffering, and my relationship with my kids was also suffering. I was a wife and mother that I didn't want to be. So I know I still need to work on being still, but in a way that I can really listen to what God has to say. It's hard.

The best I can tell so far, here's what I've been learning on my journey the past few months:

1. God doesn't want me to seek Him only when things are going bad, but also when things are going well! When I felt like my life was going great last fall and early winter, I stopped seeking, I stopped praying... I stopped praising! It was like I was saying to God, "OK thanks for all your help, but I can take it from here." NOT! And when I look back, it's when I stopped doing those things that it started going downhill.

2. When I am so focused on myself and my own trials and less-than-ideal circumstances, my eyes aren't open to God's blessings. I'm unable to see all of the good things He's doing! When I'm going through those valleys in life, I need to turn my eyes up to the heavens and praise God for all of His greatness, so that my eyes can be opened to His amazing blessings!

3. When I seek God in my trials, I need to expect, not just hope, but expect that He has plans for good things to come out of bad circumstances.

God has also been teaching me about His power. I've been really starting to understand how mighty His power really is! "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?" Isaiah 40:12.

Wow, it just gives me such an awesome picture of him! I am so small and powerless in comparison, but it's given me such a great peace to know that a God that big and powerful is taking care of me. I couldn't be in better hands.

And He's been working on my fears... I've always had this great fear of wind, of it's power and strength, of it's damaging effects. Last night as I was putting my boys to bed, the wind really picked up. It was actually scary how it went from pretty calm to such an intense wind. My 3-year-old even saw the fear on my face as I heard it and felt it shaking the house, and in the best way I could, I told him that he is safe, that God keeps us safe, and I turned on his box fan to drown out the outside noise. As I was going to bed, I was afraid. I kept turning on the TV so that I would know if the severe thunderstorm warnings would start to include our county. All of the warnings were to the north, but I was still afraid.

But then, the coolest thing happened! I heard a small voice, a whisper in my heart, saying, "It's just Me. I control the wind, I create it, I direct it, the power of the wind is Mine. I Am the wind." And I immediately felt an amazing peace come over me, like a big cozy blanket. And as my faith and understanding of God's power grew over the next several minutes, the wind began to die down. It reminded me of the storms of life, how God plans it all and controls every circumstance, and with faith there is peace, even in the darkest moments.

Gosh, I feel like I could just keep writing and writing about everything God has been teaching me, but some of it I haven't fully processed yet. So more to come.

Many God bless all of you who read this,
Kristen