Wow... this whole "acceptance" thing is pretty hard! Based on my first lesson that I wrote about in my last blog entry, I thought this was going to be somewhat of an easy journey, because it came so natural at first, I hardly had to think about it. And I had so much peace! I thought that's just how it was going to be. Acceptance? No problem! Ha!

This has been a tough week consisting of so many less-than-ideal circumstances. My kids have taken turns being sick, now we're on Week 2, and I can feel myself starting to get sick. I'm trying to fight it, but based on the sneezing and sore throat factors, I'm thinking it's inevitable. I haven't been able to participate in any of my "normal" activities... going to the gym in the morning (i.e. time to myself), playdates, and just getting out and doing fun things with my kids. Of course I can't put my kids around other kids when they're sick. And then there's the weather. It's so hot outside that we haven't even been able to get out much. I don't imagine 90 degrees is any good for a fever. So that's left us pretty much inside.

And it's left me struggling with a lot of different emotions, a few of the main ones being lonely, depressed, frustrated and weary. I don't remember feeling like this during other times of sickness, but maybe I did.

A friend told me on facebook to try and see the blessings in my circumstances. And she's right. I've been so focused on the things that are totally out of my control and wishing they would change so that things could be easy. I almost forgot that through my most difficult times is when God's glory shines the most. And it's mostly during these dark moments, when I'm feeling so weak and vulnerable, that God is hard at work... teaching me, comforting me, encouraging me and loving me.

A few things came to mind when I read her post...

1. The song "Blessings": "What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights is all it takes to know You're near; What if the trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise."

2. I need to recognize and accept the things I can't control here so I can be at peace and my heart will be open to whatever God is trying to teach me. I can't control when sickness comes or goes. I can't control the weather. I can't control when my husband's business trip are scheduled. I can't control all the things that come with these circumstances. But I can control my own reactions to them.

I can't even try to begin to understand why God places certain circumstances upon me, and why sometimes several difficult things seem to compound at once. Maybe I had gotten to busy and being at home is giving us all a chance to rest, and giving me a chance to just be with my boys and love them and nurture them and play with them the games and things that I'm sometimes "too busy" to do.

Earlier today my 3-yr-old wanted to go outside, so begrudgingly, I did. I had hoped that I could just sit in a chair in the shade and watch them play out in the sandbox and wallow in my suffering. But oh, no. He wasn't having it. Oh, it was so hot! But just then, a gentle warm breeze started across my face and through my hair, as if God was whispering to me, reminding me of His presence. The breeze, although warm, made the heat much more bearable. I welcomed it!

"Mommy, be a T-Rex!" Benjamin exclaimed. This is where I run around chasing him, roaring like a dinosoar.
"No, honey, it's too hot to be a T-Rex today. Mommy doesn't feel like it."
In a much whinier voice, "Mommy! Be a T-Rex!" Clearly, he didn't realize or understand how depressed I was feeling, nor did he care. "Please be a T-Rex!"

I had a choice. I could sit and listen to my child's disappointment that I "didn't feel like" playing with him, or I could suck it up, and be the best T-Rex that I could be in that moment.

I gave out a half-assed "roar" with my hands outstretched in front of me and started towards him. That was all he needed. His smile and laughter returned and he started running. It really did take so little of my energy to do this. So I continued, again, with the best meager roar that I could come up with. After a few minutes, I actually started to feel better! And a smile came to my face as well. Imagine that.

I'm not sure exactly if I have a point to all of this right now. I'm still figuring it out, just writing through it. I feel like most of this is just a lot of babble right now, but I think my focus is changing and I'm taking steps that will bring me closer to accepance and peace.