The Gift

This morning I had somewhat of a vision, or maybe it was more like a dream. I heard my husband get up with my son around 6am, and then this vision, or dream, started. It was so vivid and so strong, there was no way I was going back to sleep. All I can do when I experience these types of moments is get up, grab my notebook and pen, and start writing...

...I was sitting at home on the couch just hanging out with my family and friends when there was a knock on the door. Since it was the holiday season I just assumed perhaps it was the UPS guy or something. But to my surprise, it was two uniformed men. They proceeded to handcuff me and tell me I had to come with them to stand before the Judge and accept my sentence for the crimes I had committed. I was in total disbelief! What crimes?!? I thought I had been leading a pretty good life! I've never been arrested, never robbed a bank or stolen anything (well at least nothing major... this one time when I was like 5 or 6 years old I stole a pack of gum from the grocery store check-out line. When we got to the car my mom noticed it and made me take it back and apologize, but they couldn't be talking about that!).

I said, "You must have me mixed up with somebody else. I haven't committed any crimes."

One of the uniformed men asked, "Are you Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant?"

"Well yes, that's me," I proudly confirmed.

"Then there's no mistake," said the uniformed officer. "You must come with us."

I said a quick good-bye to my family, gave them hugs and kisses and told them I would be home as soon as I cleared up this big mistake.

As I rode in the back of the car I started to become more nervous, wondering what the heck this could possibly be about. What did I do that was so wrong? And if I did do something terrible, who the heck knew about it anyway?!?

We pulled up to the biggest courthouse I'd ever seen. It was dark and gloomy, not really a place I'd choose to spend any time. As we walked inside, it did not get any prettier. It was safe to judge this book by the cover. It was just... cold. There was a long line of people waiting, and I was led to the end of the line. I got a big chill through my body, despite my warm jacket. From the looks of the line, it was going to be awhile.

I said again to one of the uniformed men, "Seriously, there's been a terrible mistake. I don't belong here. Who can I talk to in order to get this whole thing resolved?"

"We've heard that line thousands of times before. Take it up with the Judge," he said.

I let out a huge sigh. It was hopeless. All I could do was just wait. As I looked around at the other people in line, some of them looked pretty normal, just like me, and I wondered what they possibly could have done to be here. Maybe there'd been a lot of mistakes made today and we all just needed to get things cleared up. But then I saw some other people who definitely looked like they deserved to be here, they'd probably done something really bad. Some of them just looked plain creepy... weird clothes, unshaven, strange jewelry... I noticed one woman in particular about 10 people ahead of me who looked about my age, had a fairly pretty face, but way too much make-up, and seriously, if her skirt was any shorter she might as well not be wearing one! Geez, woman! Put on some clothes! If I'm cold, I can't imagine the chill she must be feeling.

Just then a strange man wearing all white walked up to her and offered her a coat. I couldn't quite make out his face as he was turned away from me. She took it and smiled and I saw her lips move to the words of a quiet 'thank you'. He said 'you're welcome,' and walked away. Hmm. That was nice of him, I guess. Although he'll probably be cold now.

The line was moving very slowly and I was starting to get impatient. I so did NOT belong here, and I was more than anxious to find out what they think I'd done so awful to drag me away from my nice warm house and the people I love to come here.

Finally! It was finally my turn. The uniformed men walked me into the courtroom and sat me in front of the Judge.

The Judge spoke, "Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant, you are charged with countless sins, transgressions and iniquities," and he began to list them all off, one by one. To my surprise, it took several hours (now I knew why the line was moving so slowly), and everything he listed was true, I think, and I say that because some things dated back to quite a long time ago that I could hardly remember, and of course the things he listed off from back in college were very hazy, to say the least.

He read about the time when I was in 7th grade... I wrote a nasty letter to a friend about my teacher. It was so undeserved, I don't know what prompted me to write it. I think she had given us an assignment that I thought was stupid and I didn't want to do it. When I'd tried to pass it off to my friend in the hallway, this teacher that I had written about intercepted it, read it and confronted me. It was one of the worst moments, one of the worst feelings, of my life. The feeling that I had truly, deeply hurt someone who didn't deserve it. My words really cut her that day. I'd almost forgotten about that (at least I've tried to).

Then the judge listed off the times I'd lied to and disobeyed my parents... the times I gossiped or heard friends gossiping and didn't stop it... all the times I got drunk, especially before I was 21... the several years of my life I was so high on pot that I was totally numb to everything else in my life, including my marriage... all the times I put my faith in money and other people instead of God... the moments I saw someone in need and just kept walking, pretending I didn't see... all the times I rebelled and tried to live life my own way, according to my own will instead of God's... the times I was prideful... the times I acted out on anger, greed, lust, fear and doubt... and finally, he listed all of the judgments I made of almost everyone standing in line before me, only hours earlier.

When he had finally finished reading through my list, he looked down at me and asked, "How do you plead?"

There's no way I could possibly deny any single thing on that list. I did it all. I was completely, 100%, shamefully guilty. I sheepishly replied, my voice no louder than the whisper of a mouse, "But what about all of the good things I've done in my life? Doesn't that count for anything? Shouldn't some of it balance out... or something?" One could only hope. And as my father always said, "You never know if you don't ask."

The Judge replied, "Your good deeds have been noted, but a price must be paid for this long list of sins, transgressions and iniquities."

In my mind I had expected some type of monetary amount, or perhaps some community service? I mean, it's not like I'd done anything really, really bad, right? I mean, everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect. But as if the Judge could read my mind, the words came out of his mouth, "I sentence you to... the death penalty."

My legs immediately collapsed under me and I was sure I was going to be sick right there on the courtroom floor. The death penalty?!? Was he serious?!?

At that moment, a man walked in. It was the same man, dressed in white, who I'd seen earlier offering the barely-clothed woman his coat. He came and stood beside me, and gave me a hand to help me up. His other hand was held up to the Judge as he yelled, "Wait!"

Who was this man, and what could he possibly have to say that was so important that it could change the outcome of this terrible mess?

"I will pay the price. I will carry out her sentence in her place," said the man. I looked at him in total disbelief. Who is this guy??

The judge replied, "Are you sure about this?"

The man replied with certainty, "Yes, I am prepared to take her place."

The judge continued, "I just want to make sure you understand what you're getting yourself into. This death penalty will involve a great deal of pain and suffering. You will be beaten just shy of death, you will wear a crown of thorns on your head and carry a cross out of town and up a hill, at which point your hands and feet will be nailed to that same cross. You will be placed upright on the cross for everyone to see. Then the side of your chest will be punctured with a spear, it'll most likely puncture your heart. Basically, you will hang there suffering in more pain than you could possibly ever imagine until you bleed to death. Now... do you want to retract your offer?"

"No," said the man in white. "My offer still stands. I will endure whatever pain and suffering is required so that her life is spared."

This guy is crazy, I thought. He doesn't even know me! The man turned to me and looked me in the eyes, and spoke as if he, too, was reading my thoughts.

"Yes, I do know you," said the man. "My name is Jesus. And my Father, God, sent me to save your life by paying the price for your sins, and to tell you how much He loves you."

I didn't know what to say. How could I let this man, Jesus, pay the price and endure the pain and suffering for everything I've done wrong?

"I wouldn't even know where to begin in repaying you," I said to Jesus.

"You don't need to repay anything," He replied. "This is a gift of love from my Father to you. All you have to do is admit your guilt, ask for forgiveness, and accept this gift of Life. Then, your sins, transgressions and iniquities will be forgiven and forgotten, and you can continue on with your life with a new freedom and eternal life that you didn't have before. All I ask is for you to learn from your mistakes and do your best not to make any more. Oh, and love your neighbor as yourself."

"But, wait, what if... what if I just can't do it? I mean, it sounds kind of hard, to not sin. Actually, that's impossible! What if I struggle? What if I just plain fail?" I cried.

"Anytime that happens," replied Jesus, "just think back and remember this moment, when I gave my life for yours. And I will be there to help you. You don't need to struggle through this life alone anymore. Now... do you accept this gift of Life?"

With tears in my eyes I fell back down to my knees and responded humbly, "Yes, I accept your gift. Thank you." What else could I say? This was not a difficult decision to make.

The judge commended, "Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant, you are hereby forgiven and are free to go. Please exit through the door to the right."

I hadn't noticed before, but there were two doors, one on either side of the Judge. To the right said "Eternal Life" and to the left said "Eternal Death".

As I began walking through the door to Eternal Life, I was too overwhelmed for words. I overheard the man behind me pleading his case to the Judge, trying to claim his innocence. Again, this man Jesus, offered to pay the price for all of his wrong-doings, but the man just kept insisting he was innocent and didn't deserve any penalty in the first place. I cried when the Judge sent him kicking and screaming through the other door. Why didn't he listen? Why didn't he accept the gift that Jesus offered? It made me so sad. He'd been given a chance for Life, and he rejected it.

But, it was time for me to go. I had a new mission. I was given a new Life. I had to get home to my family and friends and tell them and everyone I knew the good news about his man named Jesus, who saved me!

Looking Back or Looking Ahead?

This time of year is of course most recognized for reflection... on the past year's accomplishments and failures... and the upcoming year's goals, things we want to do differently... things we want to change to make our lives better... to make ourselves better.


I've had so many thoughts going through my mind the past couple days on this subject that it's kind of hard for me to narrow it down right now. Maybe it'll take a few entries to get it all out. I mean, 2010 was a great year. We bought a house and made the committment to stay where we are and settle down for awhile, Frank got a promotion at work, both boys hit countless development milestones, I stepped up to a leadership position in my MOPS group, and have learned so much more about God and myself through Bible Study Fellowship. Yeah, you could say 2010 was a very productive year!

I've never really been a believer in new years resolutions. Maybe it's because I've never been one to hold to it. I stick with it for about the first month or so. Or maybe even a few weeks. But that's just me. Maybe it's because I have to really be ready to make a change for myself. It can't be because it's January 1st when our society says "Ok! It's time to make a change!" It just doesn't work for me that way. Life's challenges don't go by a calendar. Every day creates a new opportunity to make a change. Every day is an opportunity to make different decisions... better decisions. Every morning provides a clean slate. And it's what I choose to do with it that will determine whether or not a change will take place. I struggle with that most of the time... maybe because I'm lazy. Because it's harder to make a change. It's hard to make a decision to break an unhealthy habit. Or rather it's easy to make the decision, but hard to take action and follow through. It's so much easier to just go through the motions, day and day out.

But eventually, and not necessarily at the beginning of a new year, I grow tired of going through the motions. It creates a numbness in a way. Not the same kind of numbness that comes with depression, but more of a contentment with the way things are, not because I'm happy with it, but because it's just easier... it's comfortable.


On KLove the other day they were talking about choosing a word to live by in the new year, something that will drive your decisions and your way of life. I like that idea. So I've been thinking and praying about what my word might be. One word that God keeps bringing to my mind is faith. I'm not sure exactly it would entail. Maybe it's faith in myself, to be stronger, more confident, to make those tough, but better, decisions. Maybe it'll be a reminder to put my faith and trust in God instead of other people and worldly things, which I have really struggled with in my life. Or maybe it's faith in my marriage. Frank and I experienced quite a bit of struggle last year in our marriage. We've always had our ups and downs, it's never really been an easy road for us. We're headed in a healthier direction now than we were a few months ago, but we still have a ways to go. Or maybe it's all of these things.

Faith, according to Hebrews 11:1, is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

But another word that has been creeping into my mind the past 2 days is passion. The chorus from the song "The Motions" by Matthew West has been playing over and over in my mind today:

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

Perhaps this year I need to rediscover the things that I'm passionate about. It's easy to lose that passion when you become a parent, because your kids take everything you have. At least that's been my experience. I'm definitley passionate about being a good mom, but at the same time, "Who was I before I became a mom?" Or better yet, "Who do I want to be aside from a mom?" That's one of the things that I've always admired about Frank, one of the things that first attracted me to him (besides his devastatingly good looks :) He has a passion inside of him for everything he does. And that passion has motivated him to follow his dreams in the automotive industry. In the past few years I've basically just been supportive to him, following where he goes. And I've been happy to do it. But what about me??? What am I passionate about? What are my dreams? What motivates me? These are questions that I have struggled with and prayed about, and I think God has been giving me bits and pieces of answers to those questions, but I still need to fit those pieces together. Because life isn't about just going through the motions.

So I guess I still have some things to think about and pray about going into the new year.