This morning I really wanted to attend a seminar through the Bible study that I go to. I've been looking forward to it and feeling like I really wanted and needed to go. The only thing I didn't prepare for was childcare. Normally when I attend the Bible study, childcare is provided and they actually have a great program for the kids! But for stuff outside of the norm, we have to find our own, which is fine, but it's so hard for me to do... to ask someone to watch my kids for a few hours. It's probably one of the hardest things that I could ask of someone, the most difficult form of help. I'm not quite sure why, I just hate placing that burden on people, especially those who already have kids!

So because of this, I procrastinated on making arrangements for childcare until the last minute. When I finally worked up the guts to call people to ask this huge favor (of course I had no choice as the seminar was the next morning), I found that of the 5 people I called, nobody was available, between field trips with their kid's school, sick kids, and shopping plans, I was left with no babysitter.

I had prayed about it earlier in the day yesterday after making my phone calls and leaving messages. I said, "God, if you want me to go to this seminar, then you'll provide a way. If nobody can help take care of the boys, then I'm not meant to be there tomorrow." And I let it go. Needless to say, I was not able to make it.

So far I've learned two lessons here:

1. Don't procratinate! Especially with important things, like finding a babysitter! I am typically the Queen of Procrastination, and it comes back to bite me all the time. You think I would have learned by now.

2. God is in control. He is in complete control. Always. In every single event that happens. Every day. Everywhere.

For me, one way I've been able to decipher God's will and His answers to prayer in recent years is through circumstances. He actually speaks to me very loudy through circumstance. If it works out, it's meant to be. If it doesn't, it's not, at least not in that particular time and place.

It's really hard to accept God's will sometimes, especially when he says "no" to something I really want. I mean, doesn't God put desires in our hearts? At least that's what I thought. But maybe it's not always meant to work out the way we hope or expect. This seminar is just a small example of this, but it was called "Sharing the Gospel." Now, I would think that's something He would want me to attend, right? But I may never know His reasons for telling me, "Not this time, not now."

As I came to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be able to go to the seminar that I really really wanted to go to, I started thinking more about it... it's been such a busy week! Wait, it's been a busy few weeks! This week has been non-stop I feel like. We've had stuff going on every day, and every morning we've had to be up and out of the house early. Samuel's nap schedule has been totally screwed up. And don't even get me started on our meal schedules this week. It's just been crazy! And tomorrow morning the kids and I leave to go out of town for the weekend. I have a huge pile of laundry and packing to do, and I have unpacking to do from the move before I can even do any packing! I had to get to the grocery store so my hubby has food to eat this weekend while I'm gone, I have to make soup for a church event that I won't be able to attend because I'll be out of town but I committed to it awhile ago... wow, that's a long list! And I was going to try and throw in an 1-1/2 hour seminar! Who do I think I am? Superwoman?? Ha!!!

Or then again, maybe there's a reason God didn't want me on the road this morning at that particular time, or maybe He just wanted me to stay home and write this blog (since it's been, like, forever since I've written!). My point is, there are a million reasons why God does what He does, and everything He does has a specific purpose, and all of it is out of His unbelieveable, unconditional, unimaginable love for us.

For me, it all comes back to Trust, another common theme for me lately. Trusting that God is in total control, and like a parent to a child, He knows what's best for me better than I do. All the time. In every circumstance. And I know there are times when he says, "No"that it's easier to just accept and move on, like today, and other times my reaction may be to stomp around and piss and moan and whine and complain that it's not fair, and question His reasoning. But seriously, I have to continue to ask myself, as I try give up control of my life, do I really trust that God knows what He's doing??? Well... I think I'm getting there.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5