Wow... it feels really GOOD to write again! I used to write a lot when I was younger, and really enjoyed it. But somewhere, somehow, Life happened, and I stopped writing. So I'm glad the Holy Spirit gave me this nudge to start up again. I'm not sure if I would have done it on my own. So I just wanted to share that!
Something else I want to share is a very cool thing that happened to me last night. I've been carrying around a burden for a really long time... almost 12 years. It's the one thing in my life that I truly regret, something I did when I was young and stupid and totally self-centered, that I would go back and change in a second if I could. Because it ruined a friendship. I've tried to forget it and pretend it never happened, but every now and then it would sneak up on me and remind me that it was still there. In the past couple months the burden became heavier, and a desire grew in my heart to ask for forgiveness, both from the person I wronged and from myself. I had not spoken to this person since then, and thanks to facebook, I was able to find this person and ask for forgiveness. I was so nervous!!! I went back and forth before hitting "send", afraid that I wouldn't receive it, fully expecting to be "deleted". Although I had hoped for a response, I did not really expect one.
About a month went by and I was starting to lose hope. But last night, I received the response that I was waiting for, telling me I was forgiven. I can't even express the lightness I felt! I had no idea how heavy it was, until it was gone. It was the most amazing feeling, that after 12 years of carrying this shadow around in my heart, I was finally free of it!
I have forgiven others many times in my life, and I don't recall it ever seeming like a very big deal. Just recently I was able to tell someone I loved, "Of course I forgive you." I didn't even need to think that hard about it, but she was incredibly overwhelmed by it. I never really understood how powerful forgiveness is until I was the one who needed it. And I certainly don't deserve it.
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." ~Ephesians 4:32
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
No Such Thing As Coincidence
The phrase "everything happens for a reason" has become quite a cliche. I've always believed it to be true, but I don't think I quite understood the power behind it until just recently.
I just finished reading a book called Another Valley, Another Victory, Another Love by Valetta Steel Crumley. Valetta came to speak at my MOPS group meeting and gave her testimony. Wow... what an amazing woman! She has been through more tragedy in her lifetime than I could possibly imagine someone could go through, and yet she's still standing, still living, still loving, still praising God more than ever.
In her testimony, Valetta spoke to us about the death of her first child by Leukemia, at only 2 years old, and the death of her husband... and when she finally got to the part about how her oldest 2 children were killed instantly in a car crash several years later, there was not a dry eye in the room. Some people may find her story somewhat depressing, but I left that day so inspired! I left there wanting the peace in my life that she has. On my way out I grabbed her book, wanting to know more about her story and how she got to this point in her life, how she made it through all of the trials that God placed before her. And I was counting my blessings, so glad that I've never had to experience that kind of pain and suffering. At least not yet anyway.
After I finished reading, I found myself really craving to continue the growth in my own life and pondering once again, my purpose. So I dusted off My Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, which I had started reading a year or two ago and for whatever reason never finished it. I picked up from where I had left off on chapter 25, and low and behold, the chapter is called "Transformed by Trouble." How "coincidental" that I was just reading about this in Valetta's book.
In chapter 25, Rick speaks not just to the fact that God has a plan for my life, but that He has a purpose behind every single challenge that I face. When I sit back and look at the toughest times in my life... my period of depression that resulted in a struggle in my marriage and other relationships and a lot of counseling... a great deal of good came out of what seemed like such a bad time! I would be nowhere near the person I am today had I not gone through those things. Rick also writes that God "uses circumstances to develop our character," and that not all of our problems are big, but "all are significant in God's growth process for [us]."
Then I started thinking, if we never faced trouble in our lives, we wouldn't learn, we wouldn't grow. There would be no purpose. When I really open my eyes to this concept in my daily life, I can truly see God working in everything I do, whether it's teaching me patience when my 2-year-old is in a tantrum or while I'm sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, or giving up control when things aren't going as planned, or putting my faith into Him for security instead of money and other earthly things. And I think sometimes it isn't quite as obvious at the time, but that I will have an opportunity to pass on what I've learned to someone else down the road who's struggling with the same issues.
I've tried to understand the reasons for why things happen in my life, and sometimes the light bulb goes on and I'm able to make connections and it's really exciting to be able to say, "oh yeah! I see now!" But when I try to understand too much at one time, it just gets too overwhelming. And I don't think we were meant to necessarily understand why everything happens, but more importantly, what can we learn from it?
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28
I just finished reading a book called Another Valley, Another Victory, Another Love by Valetta Steel Crumley. Valetta came to speak at my MOPS group meeting and gave her testimony. Wow... what an amazing woman! She has been through more tragedy in her lifetime than I could possibly imagine someone could go through, and yet she's still standing, still living, still loving, still praising God more than ever.
In her testimony, Valetta spoke to us about the death of her first child by Leukemia, at only 2 years old, and the death of her husband... and when she finally got to the part about how her oldest 2 children were killed instantly in a car crash several years later, there was not a dry eye in the room. Some people may find her story somewhat depressing, but I left that day so inspired! I left there wanting the peace in my life that she has. On my way out I grabbed her book, wanting to know more about her story and how she got to this point in her life, how she made it through all of the trials that God placed before her. And I was counting my blessings, so glad that I've never had to experience that kind of pain and suffering. At least not yet anyway.
After I finished reading, I found myself really craving to continue the growth in my own life and pondering once again, my purpose. So I dusted off My Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, which I had started reading a year or two ago and for whatever reason never finished it. I picked up from where I had left off on chapter 25, and low and behold, the chapter is called "Transformed by Trouble." How "coincidental" that I was just reading about this in Valetta's book.
In chapter 25, Rick speaks not just to the fact that God has a plan for my life, but that He has a purpose behind every single challenge that I face. When I sit back and look at the toughest times in my life... my period of depression that resulted in a struggle in my marriage and other relationships and a lot of counseling... a great deal of good came out of what seemed like such a bad time! I would be nowhere near the person I am today had I not gone through those things. Rick also writes that God "uses circumstances to develop our character," and that not all of our problems are big, but "all are significant in God's growth process for [us]."
Then I started thinking, if we never faced trouble in our lives, we wouldn't learn, we wouldn't grow. There would be no purpose. When I really open my eyes to this concept in my daily life, I can truly see God working in everything I do, whether it's teaching me patience when my 2-year-old is in a tantrum or while I'm sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, or giving up control when things aren't going as planned, or putting my faith into Him for security instead of money and other earthly things. And I think sometimes it isn't quite as obvious at the time, but that I will have an opportunity to pass on what I've learned to someone else down the road who's struggling with the same issues.
I've tried to understand the reasons for why things happen in my life, and sometimes the light bulb goes on and I'm able to make connections and it's really exciting to be able to say, "oh yeah! I see now!" But when I try to understand too much at one time, it just gets too overwhelming. And I don't think we were meant to necessarily understand why everything happens, but more importantly, what can we learn from it?
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28
Monday, March 22, 2010
What about me?
While setting up this blog, there's a place on the profile page that states: About Me. I always have a hard time defining this. It's pretty vague. It's like when an interviewer asks you, "Tell me about yourself." I've always hated answering this, and I find myself asking in my mind, "Well, what about me?" There's so many things I could say, and the definition of "Me" is always changing. What do you want to know?
I'm a different person now than I was 5 years ago. And 5 years ago, I was a different person than I was 5 years before that. Where do I see myself in 5 years? An impossible question for me to answer. Based on my experience of the past 3 and a half years, I could be just about anywhere! How I would describe myself may be different than how others would describe me. I would use words like Christian, mother, wife, compassionate, kind, warm-hearted. Those are all things that would make me look good to others. And I am all those things, but sometimes I can also be impatient, controlling and selfish. Of course God sees these things in me much more often than anyone else.
One thing I am striving to be now more than anything else is Real. My husband Frank has always said, "I am who I am, green eggs and ham." On the outside, green eggs and ham can be a little bit scary, and may not look so appetizing. But once you taste it... mmmmm... it really is good (and it actually tastes exactly the same as if it weren't green, because food coloring has no flavor). But seriously, I am who I am. Like it or not.
I haven't always been Real. When the concept was first introduced to me, it made a lot of sense, but it was a little scary at the same time. To be real with people, you have to let your guard down and be vulnerable. You risk criticism and judgement. But at the same time, it's the only way to go deeper. As I've gone deeper, I've been able to really experience relationships and the support and love that you feel from those who you share your true self with. Snorkling on the surface of the water is fun and all, but get down a little deeper and you'll see some really cool stuff! Isn't that where most of the treasures are found? Down at the bottom, buried in the sand?
I remember the first interview that I answered questions completely honestly, instead of answering them the way I should, saying what they would want to hear. I remember her asking me what my previous boss would say about how often I arrive to work on time. I think by this point in the interview I had doubts about this job being right for me, and was not sure she was the type of person I would be happy working for, and I answered something like, "Most of my jobs have been pretty laid back in that respect, and if I arrive a little bit late I always work a little bit late to make up for it, but I am on time when I need to be." She responded that in this position, it's imperative that I arrive on time every day. I think that is the point in the interview when she realized I was not the right person for the job. I walked out to my car chuckling a little bit to myself that I had been so brutally honest. But looking back, if I hadn't been, I probably would have ended up unhappy in a job that wasn't right for me. On my way home that day I dropped my resume off at the hospital. The interview went great, and I did get the job. I did manage to be on time just about every day, and it was the most rewarding job I've ever had. Well, not quite as rewarding as my current job as a stay-home mom :)
Anyway, I know I got off subject a little bit, I do that sometimes. I guess I'm still in the process of defining who I am. My story is still unfolding. The pages are still being written. And if I'm as real as I can be throughout this journey, then what I see in myself, what others sees in me, and what God sees, will all be the same.
I'm a different person now than I was 5 years ago. And 5 years ago, I was a different person than I was 5 years before that. Where do I see myself in 5 years? An impossible question for me to answer. Based on my experience of the past 3 and a half years, I could be just about anywhere! How I would describe myself may be different than how others would describe me. I would use words like Christian, mother, wife, compassionate, kind, warm-hearted. Those are all things that would make me look good to others. And I am all those things, but sometimes I can also be impatient, controlling and selfish. Of course God sees these things in me much more often than anyone else.
One thing I am striving to be now more than anything else is Real. My husband Frank has always said, "I am who I am, green eggs and ham." On the outside, green eggs and ham can be a little bit scary, and may not look so appetizing. But once you taste it... mmmmm... it really is good (and it actually tastes exactly the same as if it weren't green, because food coloring has no flavor). But seriously, I am who I am. Like it or not.
I haven't always been Real. When the concept was first introduced to me, it made a lot of sense, but it was a little scary at the same time. To be real with people, you have to let your guard down and be vulnerable. You risk criticism and judgement. But at the same time, it's the only way to go deeper. As I've gone deeper, I've been able to really experience relationships and the support and love that you feel from those who you share your true self with. Snorkling on the surface of the water is fun and all, but get down a little deeper and you'll see some really cool stuff! Isn't that where most of the treasures are found? Down at the bottom, buried in the sand?
I remember the first interview that I answered questions completely honestly, instead of answering them the way I should, saying what they would want to hear. I remember her asking me what my previous boss would say about how often I arrive to work on time. I think by this point in the interview I had doubts about this job being right for me, and was not sure she was the type of person I would be happy working for, and I answered something like, "Most of my jobs have been pretty laid back in that respect, and if I arrive a little bit late I always work a little bit late to make up for it, but I am on time when I need to be." She responded that in this position, it's imperative that I arrive on time every day. I think that is the point in the interview when she realized I was not the right person for the job. I walked out to my car chuckling a little bit to myself that I had been so brutally honest. But looking back, if I hadn't been, I probably would have ended up unhappy in a job that wasn't right for me. On my way home that day I dropped my resume off at the hospital. The interview went great, and I did get the job. I did manage to be on time just about every day, and it was the most rewarding job I've ever had. Well, not quite as rewarding as my current job as a stay-home mom :)
Anyway, I know I got off subject a little bit, I do that sometimes. I guess I'm still in the process of defining who I am. My story is still unfolding. The pages are still being written. And if I'm as real as I can be throughout this journey, then what I see in myself, what others sees in me, and what God sees, will all be the same.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Step One: Creating the blog
I never imagine myself to be the blogging type, as throughout my life I was never one who had much to say. Or at least I thought I didn't. I'm not quite sure yet what the purpose is of this blog. I've never even thought of creating a blog until this afternoon, when I felt this overwhelming nudge... Perhaps it will serve as a great way to keep my family and friends up to date on the growth of my family and how we're getting along with our day-to-day struggles and blessings. What I'm hoping is it will serve as an online journal of sorts, sharing my random thoughts as I travel over the mountains and through the valleys on my journey through this thing called Life. And I encourage you to share any thoughts or comments on anything I have to say.
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