Today has been a hard day. I woke up this morning with a cold/sinusy flu thingy and it just really dampened my spirits. For a split second, I longed for my pre-motherhood days when I could call in sick and go back to bed. But moms don't get sick days, so I did the only thing I could do... suck it up, take a shot of DayQuil, and do my best to get through the day. The house was a mess and dishes weren't done, and it was driving me crazy, but I had no motivation to do anything about it. It was hot and humid outside and I was forced to turn on the AC... again... which I hate. I wanted to be outside but I didn't feel well but I didn't want to be inside but it was too hot. I was having one of "those" days. There were so many times today that I felt like crying. And a few times I actually started to. But I stopped myself and started asking why. The way I was feeling today was not just "sick". There was something else going on and I needed to figure out what.
Oh yes, it's the beginning of Memorial Day weekend. This is the first year in I don't know how long that we haven't had plans for the long holiday weekend. We've always gone away to see friends or family. I tried making plans, several times. But the door closed in my face on everything I tried to plan, until it became clear that this year our plan was... no plan. This is somewhat uncharted territory for me. And it might sound a little bit silly, but I'm just not a "stay-home-and-do-nothing" kind of person these days. Maybe it's because since becoming a stay-home mom I'm home-bound a lot more than I used to be, so when a long weekend does come along I get an itch to do something or go somewhere. And since my husband has a difficult time getting vacation time for long weekends unless he makes plans well in advance, these long holiday weekends are cherished and we try to take advantage of them every chance we get. Then hearing about all of my friends and family having things to do and places to go this weekend, I started feeling kinda sorry for myself. Although I'm feeling rather sick so I sorta don't feel like doing anything at the same time. What a pickle I'm in!
Then I started thinking (uh-oh! She's thinking again!). Since reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life" I can't help but feel like every challenge or difficulty has a purpose. So as I was vaccuming up all the dog hair that was annoying me today, I started to ask God, "why have you closed all the doors to my plans for this weekend?" Seems like a silly question to be asking Him. "Do you have something else planned for me??? Well... I'm open! I'm listening! Talk to me."
While I was vaccuming and discussing with God the plans I didn't have for the next 3 days, Benjamin was outside playing in the dirt, one of his favorite things to do. He came to the patio door and said, "Mommy, I'm all dirty!" So I asked him if he needed to be washed off with the hose. His eyes brightened and a big smile came to his face... that was all the answer I needed. I turned on the hose and washed off his legs, feet and hands. Then he said, "I want to do it," his response to just about everything these days. And he proceeded to spray me! It was shockingly cold, but on this 85-degree, very humid day, it actually felt kinda good. And as you can imagine, this quickly turned into an impromtu water hose fight. At the end we were both laughing and soaked! And I realized that God was using my 2-year-old son to answer my questions. This completely changed my attitude.
So tomorrow I'm looking forward to a BBQ at a friend's house, and Sunday Frank is planning on going to the Indy 500, while the boys and I do I don't know what. And Monday... nothing so far. I'm excited and curious for whatever God has planned for me. Because I'm giving my time to God, and if God is in charge, I know it's gunna be good.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Today I played like a child. Since my last post, my energy seems to have returned and I've been feeling really good. We're visiting family this weekend and today we took Great Gramma K to the park. Since Gram was there to hold Samuel, my husband and I were free to play with Benjamin. We started out on the swings in a race up to the sky... and before long I found myself running around the playground right beside my 2 1/2 year old!
It was so much fun!!! It was so refreshing because I've been feeling so OLD lately. Seriously, between my exhaustion and back and knee pain that I've been having lately, at only 31 years old, I'm afraid of how I'll be feeling in 10 years. They say "you're only as old as you feel." Right?
Well, today I had about 30 minutes when I remembered what it feels like to just run and jump and play! I remembered what it feels like to not have a care in the world, except where my feet are stepping and which slide I would go down next. My blood was rushing and my heart was pounding and I was... happy. Not that I'm not happy otherwise, but the innocent bliss of a child playing at the playground is something I wouldn't mind experiencing a little more often.
It was so much fun!!! It was so refreshing because I've been feeling so OLD lately. Seriously, between my exhaustion and back and knee pain that I've been having lately, at only 31 years old, I'm afraid of how I'll be feeling in 10 years. They say "you're only as old as you feel." Right?
Well, today I had about 30 minutes when I remembered what it feels like to just run and jump and play! I remembered what it feels like to not have a care in the world, except where my feet are stepping and which slide I would go down next. My blood was rushing and my heart was pounding and I was... happy. Not that I'm not happy otherwise, but the innocent bliss of a child playing at the playground is something I wouldn't mind experiencing a little more often.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Just have a little Faith
As I was washing dishes yesterday, I had all of these thoughts that I wanted to get down on paper, and then as soon as I got Benjamin his juice and Samuel his bottle and talked to my Dad for a few minutes, I was finally ready to sit down and write... and then the train of thought was gone.
That's been happening a lot lately, which is why it's been like 2 weeks since my last post! That, and I've just been plain exhausted. No energy, no motivation to do much of anything lately. I've been feeling kinda heavy. Maybe it's the weather. Or maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's God's way of slowing me down, because He knows that I don't do it very well on my own. There's always something to do, somewhere to be. So maybe when I get like this, as I seem to every now and then, it's God's way of telling me to just "Be Still, Kristen. Be still and know that I am God."
I've been praying a lot lately. My list seems to be growing by the day, so much that I feel like I need to actually start a physical list! Although God always seems to let me know in some way who needs my prayers. So many people I know... family, friends, acquaintances, and people whose names I don't even know, are going through such difficult times... job loss, long-term unemployment, marriage and relationship troubles, big decisions looming, illness and incurable disease, depression, friends who are struggling with motherhood, friends who want babies but are having difficulty, the young women in front of me in the checkout line at Walmart who pulls out food stamps to pay for her groceries, people whose homes are destroyed by natural disaster... I've realized lately that I tend to spend a lot of time and energy immersed in my own life and the worries of my family, and my eyes and ears are closed to the needs of others around me. As I write this, I can see it all starting to unfold over the past few weeks... the message God has been trying to send me.
Two days ago I was feeling particularly down and heavy. It was just one of "those" days. I got the kids in the car to head to the grocery, mostly to get out of the house, and Benjamin was out of diapers, and I really needed to listen to my radio station, Positive and Encouraging K-Love. When I got into the car to drive back home, the radio host was talking about a Bible verse, something about birds and how they don't sow or reap or worry, that God provides for them and that we are much more important... I don't remember the exact words she used but it really struck me hard! Not that I was in a place where I was worrying about a lot of stuff. At least not consciously. But then I thought about all of my friends and family who I've been praying for recently who have a lot of worry in their lives right now. So maybe this message was more for them, and God wanted to use me to share it...
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" ~ Matthew 6:25-27
At the time I didn't know where this scripture was in the Bible, so I asked a friend who stopped by shortly after I heard this in the car. She knew what scripture I was referring to, but couldn't remember exactly what it was, so she said she would email it to me when she got home. When she did email it to me later that day, she wrote that when she went to her Bible to look it up, she opened to the exact page that the scripture was on. Of course I believed her, because similar things have happened to me, I know God is just awesome like that! And it reaffirmed what I had been thinking, that there was some kind of importance to the timing of it. I was so inspired that I just couldn't keep it to myself!
If we have faith in Him, God does provide everything we need! When my husband and I lived in southern IL and he was in school full time and I was only working part time and Benjamin was a baby, I remember one specific day that fear got the best of me... I didn't know how we were going to continue to pay our rent and I'd been paying for food with a credit card, and I just broke down sobbing! I remember the exact words my husband, who is not a very religious man, said to me, "Kristen, can't you just have faith that God will provide for us? He's provided everything to us up to this point! Just have a little faith!"
Those words stopped me dead in my tracks. And I renewed my faith right there. God had opened all of the doors for us to be in the place where we were, He wasn't about to abandon us. And as soon as I decided to have faith, it was like a warm blanket of peace and comfort came over me. Money continued to come from unexpected places, and we made it through. Not only does God provide for every need, but he also continues to provide that peace and comfort through all of my challenges and struggles. And I've heard so many people tell me the same thing!
One last thought... a friend gave me book yesterday and in the introduction were the words, "It is our job to pray. It is God's job to answer." Although the answer may not come right away, and it may not be what we expect or want to hear. But if we can just keep our eyes and ears and hearts open, and just have a little faith, we're all going to be okay.
That's been happening a lot lately, which is why it's been like 2 weeks since my last post! That, and I've just been plain exhausted. No energy, no motivation to do much of anything lately. I've been feeling kinda heavy. Maybe it's the weather. Or maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's God's way of slowing me down, because He knows that I don't do it very well on my own. There's always something to do, somewhere to be. So maybe when I get like this, as I seem to every now and then, it's God's way of telling me to just "Be Still, Kristen. Be still and know that I am God."
I've been praying a lot lately. My list seems to be growing by the day, so much that I feel like I need to actually start a physical list! Although God always seems to let me know in some way who needs my prayers. So many people I know... family, friends, acquaintances, and people whose names I don't even know, are going through such difficult times... job loss, long-term unemployment, marriage and relationship troubles, big decisions looming, illness and incurable disease, depression, friends who are struggling with motherhood, friends who want babies but are having difficulty, the young women in front of me in the checkout line at Walmart who pulls out food stamps to pay for her groceries, people whose homes are destroyed by natural disaster... I've realized lately that I tend to spend a lot of time and energy immersed in my own life and the worries of my family, and my eyes and ears are closed to the needs of others around me. As I write this, I can see it all starting to unfold over the past few weeks... the message God has been trying to send me.
Two days ago I was feeling particularly down and heavy. It was just one of "those" days. I got the kids in the car to head to the grocery, mostly to get out of the house, and Benjamin was out of diapers, and I really needed to listen to my radio station, Positive and Encouraging K-Love. When I got into the car to drive back home, the radio host was talking about a Bible verse, something about birds and how they don't sow or reap or worry, that God provides for them and that we are much more important... I don't remember the exact words she used but it really struck me hard! Not that I was in a place where I was worrying about a lot of stuff. At least not consciously. But then I thought about all of my friends and family who I've been praying for recently who have a lot of worry in their lives right now. So maybe this message was more for them, and God wanted to use me to share it...
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" ~ Matthew 6:25-27
At the time I didn't know where this scripture was in the Bible, so I asked a friend who stopped by shortly after I heard this in the car. She knew what scripture I was referring to, but couldn't remember exactly what it was, so she said she would email it to me when she got home. When she did email it to me later that day, she wrote that when she went to her Bible to look it up, she opened to the exact page that the scripture was on. Of course I believed her, because similar things have happened to me, I know God is just awesome like that! And it reaffirmed what I had been thinking, that there was some kind of importance to the timing of it. I was so inspired that I just couldn't keep it to myself!
If we have faith in Him, God does provide everything we need! When my husband and I lived in southern IL and he was in school full time and I was only working part time and Benjamin was a baby, I remember one specific day that fear got the best of me... I didn't know how we were going to continue to pay our rent and I'd been paying for food with a credit card, and I just broke down sobbing! I remember the exact words my husband, who is not a very religious man, said to me, "Kristen, can't you just have faith that God will provide for us? He's provided everything to us up to this point! Just have a little faith!"
Those words stopped me dead in my tracks. And I renewed my faith right there. God had opened all of the doors for us to be in the place where we were, He wasn't about to abandon us. And as soon as I decided to have faith, it was like a warm blanket of peace and comfort came over me. Money continued to come from unexpected places, and we made it through. Not only does God provide for every need, but he also continues to provide that peace and comfort through all of my challenges and struggles. And I've heard so many people tell me the same thing!
One last thought... a friend gave me book yesterday and in the introduction were the words, "It is our job to pray. It is God's job to answer." Although the answer may not come right away, and it may not be what we expect or want to hear. But if we can just keep our eyes and ears and hearts open, and just have a little faith, we're all going to be okay.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Weakness Exposed
This morning I'm letting it all hang out. God has challenged me to look inside and find my weaknesses. It seems easy enough, but sometimes it's really hard! I mean, who wants to admit their true weakness?
This morning I realized one of them. When I am lacking sleep, I'm... not quite myself, to say the least. I get angry and frustrated at the smallest, stupidest things! Samuel, my nearly 6-month-old, has decided that he doesn't want to sleep through the night right now. Wait... let me rephrase that. It's not like he's thinking, "Hmmm.... let's see if I can really throw Mom for a loop by waking up crying a couple times a night." No. He's only 6 months old! He's teething. He's growing. He's hungry. He's hot. He's cold. He needs reassurance. And I'm his mother. It's my job to take care of all those things. I made that choice. Little did I realize that my weaknesses would be exposed in that decision.
I've learned through having children that if I don't get a good, solid 7-8 hours of sleep, I'm grumpy. I wake up cranky. And on some days, I take it out on my sweet little boys.
Like this morning... last night Samuel was up at 3am, and again at 5:15. I made it back to bed at 5:45, only to have my husband's alarm go off 15 minutes later. As I drifted back to sleep, my husband came in asking if I knew where his hair brush was, which I did because moms are supposed to know where everything is, right? (Benjamin had misplaced it in a different drawer). That's also part of my job as a mom, which I fail at miserably sometimes. Anyway, then Benjamin came in 5 minutes later with a wet diaper. Change diaper. I ask him to lay with me in bed, which 6 out of 7 days, he does. Today was the 1 day day he didn't. Husband brings up juice and a movie to watch in his room. Husband takes Ben to his room while I lay in bed. Ben doesn't want to sit in his bed because it's wet. Ben has tantrum in hallway. BEN WAKES UP SAM.
At this point I stomp out of bed and into Ben's room, pull the covers off of his bed, put the quilt on the bed with another blanket and say, "There! It's dry!" I stomp out. This upsets Ben even more. I stop. I ask myself, "What am I doing?" Sure, I'm frustrated that I didn't get enough sleep. But at this point, I have a choice to make.
I went back to Ben, knelt down beside his bed, lowered my voice to a loud whisper, and politely asked him what I could do for him to make him feel better. This was a much better tactic and he calmed down almost instantly. (Well, DUH!)
Two minutes later he was content in his bed with his juice, dinosaurs, sleeping bag, fuzzy blanket and movie. I shamefully walked back into my room and slipped into bed. As I listenedd to Sam cooing quietly and happily in his crib, I prayed.
God, please forgive me for the way I acted toward Benjamin this morning. My weakness is not his problem. It's mine. Thank you for blessing me with Benjamin and Samuel, and my wonderful, supportive and understanding husband, Frank. Thank you for exposing this weakness to me, for I bring it to you and ask for strength. Please give me the courage to admit my weaknesses to myself, my husband, and my boys, to embrace them as part of me, and use them to become closer to you. Thank you, Jesus, for dying on the cross for my sins. I am a sinful person and I don't deserve it, but through your Sacrifice and Grace, I am Forgiven. Amen.
After all of this the thought crossed my mind that I probably shouldn't be letting my kids see my weaknesses and my mistakes, but I quickly changed that train of thought. I think it's good for them to see that Mommy isn't perfect. I'm not Supermom. And it's okay that my kids aren't perfect and they often don't act the way I want them to at the time that I want them to. Mommy makes mistakes. They make mistakes. And I think it's actually good for them to see the process: mistake through weakness... repentance... forgiveness... move on.
Pancakes, anyone?
This morning I realized one of them. When I am lacking sleep, I'm... not quite myself, to say the least. I get angry and frustrated at the smallest, stupidest things! Samuel, my nearly 6-month-old, has decided that he doesn't want to sleep through the night right now. Wait... let me rephrase that. It's not like he's thinking, "Hmmm.... let's see if I can really throw Mom for a loop by waking up crying a couple times a night." No. He's only 6 months old! He's teething. He's growing. He's hungry. He's hot. He's cold. He needs reassurance. And I'm his mother. It's my job to take care of all those things. I made that choice. Little did I realize that my weaknesses would be exposed in that decision.
I've learned through having children that if I don't get a good, solid 7-8 hours of sleep, I'm grumpy. I wake up cranky. And on some days, I take it out on my sweet little boys.
Like this morning... last night Samuel was up at 3am, and again at 5:15. I made it back to bed at 5:45, only to have my husband's alarm go off 15 minutes later. As I drifted back to sleep, my husband came in asking if I knew where his hair brush was, which I did because moms are supposed to know where everything is, right? (Benjamin had misplaced it in a different drawer). That's also part of my job as a mom, which I fail at miserably sometimes. Anyway, then Benjamin came in 5 minutes later with a wet diaper. Change diaper. I ask him to lay with me in bed, which 6 out of 7 days, he does. Today was the 1 day day he didn't. Husband brings up juice and a movie to watch in his room. Husband takes Ben to his room while I lay in bed. Ben doesn't want to sit in his bed because it's wet. Ben has tantrum in hallway. BEN WAKES UP SAM.
At this point I stomp out of bed and into Ben's room, pull the covers off of his bed, put the quilt on the bed with another blanket and say, "There! It's dry!" I stomp out. This upsets Ben even more. I stop. I ask myself, "What am I doing?" Sure, I'm frustrated that I didn't get enough sleep. But at this point, I have a choice to make.
I went back to Ben, knelt down beside his bed, lowered my voice to a loud whisper, and politely asked him what I could do for him to make him feel better. This was a much better tactic and he calmed down almost instantly. (Well, DUH!)
Two minutes later he was content in his bed with his juice, dinosaurs, sleeping bag, fuzzy blanket and movie. I shamefully walked back into my room and slipped into bed. As I listenedd to Sam cooing quietly and happily in his crib, I prayed.
God, please forgive me for the way I acted toward Benjamin this morning. My weakness is not his problem. It's mine. Thank you for blessing me with Benjamin and Samuel, and my wonderful, supportive and understanding husband, Frank. Thank you for exposing this weakness to me, for I bring it to you and ask for strength. Please give me the courage to admit my weaknesses to myself, my husband, and my boys, to embrace them as part of me, and use them to become closer to you. Thank you, Jesus, for dying on the cross for my sins. I am a sinful person and I don't deserve it, but through your Sacrifice and Grace, I am Forgiven. Amen.
After all of this the thought crossed my mind that I probably shouldn't be letting my kids see my weaknesses and my mistakes, but I quickly changed that train of thought. I think it's good for them to see that Mommy isn't perfect. I'm not Supermom. And it's okay that my kids aren't perfect and they often don't act the way I want them to at the time that I want them to. Mommy makes mistakes. They make mistakes. And I think it's actually good for them to see the process: mistake through weakness... repentance... forgiveness... move on.
Pancakes, anyone?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
This afternoon my 2-yr-old Benjamin broke out in song, "Yes, Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so." I actually had to do a double-take. I was totally surprised! I asked him if that's the song they sang in Moppets (children's program for MOPS, Mothers Of Preschoolers) this morning and he said "yes". Apparently he's been paying attention! This brings me such joy because I've been wondering lately at what age to start telling him about God and Jesus and how to tell him. It's actually been a little heavy on my mind lately. I'm so grateful for the Moppets teachers for helping me with this!!! I actually had the opportunity to volunteer at the Tuesday Moppets group yesterday and it was so cool to have the chance to see what Benjamin is doing and how he's learning and growing while I'm doing the same in my MOPS group. Love it!
Thank you, God, for blessing me with my beautiful boy, Benjamin. Please help me to teach him everything you want him to know. And please help me to be patient with him, as he is, afterall, only 2.
Thank you, God, for blessing me with my beautiful boy, Benjamin. Please help me to teach him everything you want him to know. And please help me to be patient with him, as he is, afterall, only 2.
Monday, April 26, 2010
It's nice to have some quiet, peaceful time to myself this afternoon. Both of my boys are napping, which doesn't happen very often. Usually I would try to take a nap myself, but today I felt like I just wanted some time to relax and read, and then I found myself praying. I feel so refreshed when I really take the time to sit and be still with God... to feel the peace of his presence and listen to what he has to say.
Today He took me to the Klove radio website, which I've been meaning to do but just never remember when I'm sitting at the computer. I always have Klove on when I'm driving because I can't get the radio station in my house for whatever reason. But when I went to the website I found out that I can listen online! This has totally made my day! It doesn't matter what is going on in my life or even what's going on in that moment, the music and talk on Klove just turns my focus back on God, it drowns out any outside noise and distractions, it takes me outside of myself and my own life, to the needs and struggles of others, and I feel at peace.
I feel like I've used the word "peace" a few times while writing today. But I really can't think of any other word that's more appropriate to express my mood and well-being right now! I wish I could just maintain that peace all the time! Maybe now that I can listen to Klove all day... :)
Today He took me to the Klove radio website, which I've been meaning to do but just never remember when I'm sitting at the computer. I always have Klove on when I'm driving because I can't get the radio station in my house for whatever reason. But when I went to the website I found out that I can listen online! This has totally made my day! It doesn't matter what is going on in my life or even what's going on in that moment, the music and talk on Klove just turns my focus back on God, it drowns out any outside noise and distractions, it takes me outside of myself and my own life, to the needs and struggles of others, and I feel at peace.
I feel like I've used the word "peace" a few times while writing today. But I really can't think of any other word that's more appropriate to express my mood and well-being right now! I wish I could just maintain that peace all the time! Maybe now that I can listen to Klove all day... :)
Friday, April 23, 2010
Prayer
This prayer really struck me the first time I read it while studying the book "Unbinding Your Heart" by Martha Grace Reese, and I find myself going back to it and praying it over and over again, so I wanted to share it. It reminds me a little of the song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks. It rings so true in my life, and as I've recently learned, God is always in control. As a parent to a child, He knows best. He knows what I need a lot better than I do! I'm always amazed at the things He's trying to teach me at just the right time in my life... when I'm ready to learn:
I asked for strength that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I had asked for,
but everything that I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered;
I am, among all men, most richly blessed.
~ Unknown soldier, 19th century, American Civil War
I asked for strength that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I had asked for,
but everything that I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered;
I am, among all men, most richly blessed.
~ Unknown soldier, 19th century, American Civil War
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