Weakness Exposed

This morning I'm letting it all hang out. God has challenged me to look inside and find my weaknesses. It seems easy enough, but sometimes it's really hard! I mean, who wants to admit their true weakness?

This morning I realized one of them. When I am lacking sleep, I'm... not quite myself, to say the least. I get angry and frustrated at the smallest, stupidest things! Samuel, my nearly 6-month-old, has decided that he doesn't want to sleep through the night right now. Wait... let me rephrase that. It's not like he's thinking, "Hmmm.... let's see if I can really throw Mom for a loop by waking up crying a couple times a night." No. He's only 6 months old! He's teething. He's growing. He's hungry. He's hot. He's cold. He needs reassurance. And I'm his mother. It's my job to take care of all those things. I made that choice. Little did I realize that my weaknesses would be exposed in that decision.

I've learned through having children that if I don't get a good, solid 7-8 hours of sleep, I'm grumpy. I wake up cranky. And on some days, I take it out on my sweet little boys.

Like this morning... last night Samuel was up at 3am, and again at 5:15. I made it back to bed at 5:45, only to have my husband's alarm go off 15 minutes later. As I drifted back to sleep, my husband came in asking if I knew where his hair brush was, which I did because moms are supposed to know where everything is, right? (Benjamin had misplaced it in a different drawer). That's also part of my job as a mom, which I fail at miserably sometimes. Anyway, then Benjamin came in 5 minutes later with a wet diaper. Change diaper. I ask him to lay with me in bed, which 6 out of 7 days, he does. Today was the 1 day day he didn't. Husband brings up juice and a movie to watch in his room. Husband takes Ben to his room while I lay in bed. Ben doesn't want to sit in his bed because it's wet. Ben has tantrum in hallway. BEN WAKES UP SAM.

At this point I stomp out of bed and into Ben's room, pull the covers off of his bed, put the quilt on the bed with another blanket and say, "There! It's dry!" I stomp out. This upsets Ben even more. I stop. I ask myself, "What am I doing?" Sure, I'm frustrated that I didn't get enough sleep. But at this point, I have a choice to make.

I went back to Ben, knelt down beside his bed, lowered my voice to a loud whisper, and politely asked him what I could do for him to make him feel better. This was a much better tactic and he calmed down almost instantly. (Well, DUH!)

Two minutes later he was content in his bed with his juice, dinosaurs, sleeping bag, fuzzy blanket and movie. I shamefully walked back into my room and slipped into bed. As I listenedd to Sam cooing quietly and happily in his crib, I prayed.

God, please forgive me for the way I acted toward Benjamin this morning. My weakness is not his problem. It's mine. Thank you for blessing me with Benjamin and Samuel, and my wonderful, supportive and understanding husband, Frank. Thank you for exposing this weakness to me, for I bring it to you and ask for strength. Please give me the courage to admit my weaknesses to myself, my husband, and my boys, to embrace them as part of me, and use them to become closer to you. Thank you, Jesus, for dying on the cross for my sins. I am a sinful person and I don't deserve it, but through your Sacrifice and Grace, I am Forgiven. Amen.

After all of this the thought crossed my mind that I probably shouldn't be letting my kids see my weaknesses and my mistakes, but I quickly changed that train of thought. I think it's good for them to see that Mommy isn't perfect. I'm not Supermom. And it's okay that my kids aren't perfect and they often don't act the way I want them to at the time that I want them to. Mommy makes mistakes. They make mistakes. And I think it's actually good for them to see the process: mistake through weakness... repentance... forgiveness... move on.

Pancakes, anyone?