A strength not of my own

I wish I could walk into every day the way that I did on Monday... with excitment and anticipation, peace, total acceptance of whatever the day would bring, and complete submission. Monday was eye-opening, and God taught me something that I've been yearning to know for a long time, but perhaps had just a sliver a fear that stood in my way.

For about a month now, I've been having thoughts of fasting for a day, as in, not eating. I don't know where these thoughts came from... well actually, I know they came from the Holy Spirit because several times lately I've been led to scripture about fasting and how when God's people would fast and pray, God's will would become clear to them. But I guess a more accurate question I had was, "why, God?? Why, now? Why me?" Because of that, and a few fears I had about the idea, I kept putting it off. But I should have known better, because in my past experience, God doesn't take "no" for an answer very lightly, and He keeps prodding.

The last scripture I read that really struck me and made me say, "OK, God. I'll do it," is Matthew 4:4, when Jesus was led into the desert by the Holy Spirit to be tempted by the devil. He had been fasting for 40 days and 40 nights! Seriously?!? I can't even imagine. Anyway, Jesus told the devil:

"It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

This is the verse that pushed me forward to accept God's calling, and it's what kept me going all day. And it was amazing. I've fasted many times before a colonoscopy prep, which is one of the reasons why I fought it. Hunger sucks.

The other thing that pushed me forward is that I'd just been feeling a little spiritually disconnected lately and I wanted to reconnect and rejuvenate my spirit, and figured since this was so heavy on my heart, it might be the way to make that happen. So on Sunday I decided that Monday would be the day.

The morning was little bit rough, making breakfast for the kids and preparing their snack mid-morning. I'm the type of person who typically needs to eat breakfast within the first hour of being awake, so by mid-morning I was already famished and wondering how I was ever going to get through it! I was definitely tempted... just a little nibble! One little fishy cracker? But then Matthew 4:4 would come to mind and give me encouragement. I received in those moments a strength that was not my own.

I made a realization at that point, that my desire to obey God's plan for me that day and my desire for spiritual fulfillment was greater than my desire for physical nourishment. Wow. That was something I didn't really expect, although I truly tried not to have any expectations coming into it. I was just open to whatever God wanted to teach me.

I made a few other realizations throughout the day. By afternoon, I realized how much I take food for granted! I just always expect it to be there, and thankfully, it is. But for so many people, it's not there all the time, and my compassion for them grew ten-fold. It's funny that this was the topic of the Sunday school lesson that I taught only the day before, feeding the hungry.

Along with that, I also experienced a much deeper appreciation for my husband, Frank, who works SO HARD every day, who has a great job that provides him the opportunity to put food on our table every day!

As evening set in, it definitely got harder. I was getting REALLY hungry and I was struggling, especially as I prepared dinner for my kids. I wrote in my journal, "I'm starting to really reach up in prayer, asking God to help me though this, asking Him to give me strength and energy to get through the rest of the day, to continue to fight the battle of temptation for me. And I have 100% faith that He will."

My biggest lesson of the day is this: I've always known that God's strength and endurance have been there for me at any time, in any circumstance. All I've had to do is reach up and receive it. But I have to admit, I guess I wasn't really sure HOW to do that, how to get past the habit of relying on my own strength, and the fear of disappointment that comes with the truth of my weaknesses.

But yesterday, I had no choice but to recognize my weakness for what it was. And thoughout the day of fasting, God taught me how to fully accept His mighty strength and power. And to think that Jesus went 40 days and nights without food, relying only on His Heavenly Father's spiritual nourishment! It's totally amazing to me, and I am in awe. But I understand it now.

The dreaded bedtime came. I HATE going to bed hungry. It makes it hard to fall asleep, and I have a hard time falling asleep anyway. But I was committed to continue my fast until the next morning. So again, I reached up in desperation and prayed for God to take my hunger away, and for Him to fullfill that need.... and He did. Within a couple minutes my hunger was totally gone, and I was at peace, ready to complete my "mission."

This morning I fully expected to wake up and be totally famished and ready to "eat a zebra," as my 4-year-old would say. But to my pleasant surprise, I wasn't at all. I was totally fine. n fact, I felt energized, peaceful and rejuvinated!

And most of all, I feel stronger than ever. And I know now how to access that strength. I wish I could experience the spiritual peace and clarity every day like I did yesterday... but of course without the hunger.

Wow... this whole "acceptance" thing is pretty hard! Based on my first lesson that I wrote about in my last blog entry, I thought this was going to be somewhat of an easy journey, because it came so natural at first, I hardly had to think about it. And I had so much peace! I thought that's just how it was going to be. Acceptance? No problem! Ha!

This has been a tough week consisting of so many less-than-ideal circumstances. My kids have taken turns being sick, now we're on Week 2, and I can feel myself starting to get sick. I'm trying to fight it, but based on the sneezing and sore throat factors, I'm thinking it's inevitable. I haven't been able to participate in any of my "normal" activities... going to the gym in the morning (i.e. time to myself), playdates, and just getting out and doing fun things with my kids. Of course I can't put my kids around other kids when they're sick. And then there's the weather. It's so hot outside that we haven't even been able to get out much. I don't imagine 90 degrees is any good for a fever. So that's left us pretty much inside.

And it's left me struggling with a lot of different emotions, a few of the main ones being lonely, depressed, frustrated and weary. I don't remember feeling like this during other times of sickness, but maybe I did.

A friend told me on facebook to try and see the blessings in my circumstances. And she's right. I've been so focused on the things that are totally out of my control and wishing they would change so that things could be easy. I almost forgot that through my most difficult times is when God's glory shines the most. And it's mostly during these dark moments, when I'm feeling so weak and vulnerable, that God is hard at work... teaching me, comforting me, encouraging me and loving me.

A few things came to mind when I read her post...

1. The song "Blessings": "What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights is all it takes to know You're near; What if the trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise."

2. I need to recognize and accept the things I can't control here so I can be at peace and my heart will be open to whatever God is trying to teach me. I can't control when sickness comes or goes. I can't control the weather. I can't control when my husband's business trip are scheduled. I can't control all the things that come with these circumstances. But I can control my own reactions to them.

I can't even try to begin to understand why God places certain circumstances upon me, and why sometimes several difficult things seem to compound at once. Maybe I had gotten to busy and being at home is giving us all a chance to rest, and giving me a chance to just be with my boys and love them and nurture them and play with them the games and things that I'm sometimes "too busy" to do.

Earlier today my 3-yr-old wanted to go outside, so begrudgingly, I did. I had hoped that I could just sit in a chair in the shade and watch them play out in the sandbox and wallow in my suffering. But oh, no. He wasn't having it. Oh, it was so hot! But just then, a gentle warm breeze started across my face and through my hair, as if God was whispering to me, reminding me of His presence. The breeze, although warm, made the heat much more bearable. I welcomed it!

"Mommy, be a T-Rex!" Benjamin exclaimed. This is where I run around chasing him, roaring like a dinosoar.
"No, honey, it's too hot to be a T-Rex today. Mommy doesn't feel like it."
In a much whinier voice, "Mommy! Be a T-Rex!" Clearly, he didn't realize or understand how depressed I was feeling, nor did he care. "Please be a T-Rex!"

I had a choice. I could sit and listen to my child's disappointment that I "didn't feel like" playing with him, or I could suck it up, and be the best T-Rex that I could be in that moment.

I gave out a half-assed "roar" with my hands outstretched in front of me and started towards him. That was all he needed. His smile and laughter returned and he started running. It really did take so little of my energy to do this. So I continued, again, with the best meager roar that I could come up with. After a few minutes, I actually started to feel better! And a smile came to my face as well. Imagine that.

I'm not sure exactly if I have a point to all of this right now. I'm still figuring it out, just writing through it. I feel like most of this is just a lot of babble right now, but I think my focus is changing and I'm taking steps that will bring me closer to accepance and peace.

Acceptance

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

~ Reinhold Niebuhr

As I was pondering the latest lesson that God has been teaching me about acceptance, this Serenity Prayer came to my mind. When I first starting thinking about it, the first line about accepting the things I cannot change seemed to really fit with what I've been reflecting on the past few days. I looked it up to find out who wrote it because I wanted to include it in my blog entry, and I had no idea there was more to it! I had never read nor heard the rest of the prayer before. I really like it, especially what the author says about taking this world as it is... "not as I would have it"... and surrenduring to God's Will.

I actually looked up the word "serenity" on dictionary.com, too, because I was curious about the official definition. It comes from the word "serene": calm, peaceful, or tranquil; unruffled. So that makes so much sense to me... asking God for peace to accept the things I cannot change. And when I think about the things I can't change and what that means, they are things I have no control over, the things that God controls, the things that are part of His Will. So then I'm actually accepting His control, trusting His Will, and I'm at complete peace with it. Interesting how this all came together for me this past week.

Last week we drove out to Virginia for a week to visit family. I was really looking forward to the trip, which has been about a year in the making. My aunt and uncle have recently retired to a lake house and I was just really looking forward to some quality time with them and with my sister and her husband who live about an hour from my aunt and uncle. I planned to go in late May thinking the weather would be really good and warm at that time there, perfect for doing lake things. I was watching the weather forecast the whole week before, each day hoping it would change. There was nothing but rain and cool temperatures forecasted for our vacation destination. Boo!

I don't know how I came to this state of being, but instead of getting upset and disappointed that the weather could very well "ruin" our vacation, I just had this odd sense of acceptance. And not just acceptance... but peace. Although ideally I would have planned the weather differently, I just had this trust that God had something wonderful planned for us, and that our time in Virginia would be good, no matter what the weather brought.

It was strange that I was viewing things this way, because normally the weather really affects me, as I think it does a lot of people. And I realized on this trip how much of a dependency it is in my life! And it felt good to break down that dependency a little bit by just accepting whatever it was going to be.

The day we got to my sister's house, where we would stay for the weekend, it was cloudy and misty, not what I would consider nice at all. But the temperature was warm, and despite the bits of mist and rain on and off, we still got the kids outside with their balls and ended up having a lot of fun! Benjamin even said to my sister, "This is the best time ever!" I was pleasantly surprised! That night we had a fire outside and cooked hot dogs and smores, and just had such a nice time being together, and watching the boys experience something new. And the next day, again forecasted to rain, turned out to be gorgeous. We took the boys to the park and soaked in some excellent sunshine all afternoon. The only time it rained was on our way home from the park!

The rest of the week was more of the same... every day was just filled with God's unexpected blessings and surprises! It hardly rained at all. I'm still in awe and having a hard time putting it all into words. And I know if I could put it all into words this blog entry would take hours to write! But I guess the lesson I'm thinking that I'm learning is that I don't know if I could have recognized God's blessings this past week if I hadn't been accepting of my perceived circumstances. I wouldn't have been open to His Will because my focus would have been on those things that I can't change, like the weather.

There are so many ways that I can apply this lesson to my life, I feel like this past week I was just barely scratching the surface. And it's exciting! I even found myself applying it to my attempt at quitting smoking. I've been able to accept the fact that quitting is going to be hard. In the past I've tried doing different things like wearing the patch and chewing gum and changing my focus when I'm having a craving in order to make the quitting process easier. But there's just nothing easy about it. So instead of wishing it were easier and wishing the cravings away, I'm trying to just accept it for what it is. It's hard. It sucks. I'm probably going to be crabby and impatient for a few days. And I might break and fail a few times. And I accept that. And I welcome it. Because I know experiencing that hardship is the "pathway to peace".

A Lesson in Faith

Back in January I wrote about a new year's resolution of sorts, a word that I decided to try to guide my life, my thoughts, my actions, and my reactions... faith. There were a few different words at the time that kept coming to my mind, but "faith" just stuck with me. I wasn't sure why, because I felt that I already had a pretty strong faith and I wondered what else God could possibly teach me about it. Maybe He would test it in some way? I supposed I would just go with it and find out.

The first few months of this year I didn't really feel like I was growing in faith at all and I wondered if I had chosen the right word. But in the past month or so, it's become much clearer. I realized that I didn't have as stong of a faith as I thought I did. I had what I would call a hopeful faith, a wishful faith. When I would pray, I would hope for God to answer. I wished God would answer. I knew He had the power to answer. But I didn't expect Him to answer. I didn't really trust Him as much as I thought I did. I would pray, but still carry the burdens, feeling like I was still in control, like I still had some sort of responsibility to answer my own prayers through my own actions. Perhaps I was also a bit impatient and didn't really know what it meant to be still and wait.

Through several different circumstances that have occured over the past couple months, God has really taught me that He does have complete control! And in His own perfect time, He does answer! So I've been slowly learning to really "let go, and let God." I know that's sort of a cliche, and it's something I've always tried to live by, but didn't truly know how. He's been teaching me more about faith through my study of Isaiah, and through the devotional I'm reading, "Streams in the Desert." There have been several entries that have helped me to realize what faith really is, one of which I wrote on my facebook page not too long ago. The entry was discussing passive faith versus active faith:

"Active faith gives thanks for a promise even though it is not yet performed, knowing that God's contracts are as good as cash." - Matthew Henry

That was something I'd never considered before... thanking God for a promise, for an answer, even before I receive it? Before I'm even able to see it and experience it??? It was at that moment that I realized my faith has been quite passive. And I had to make a decision. Am I going to continue to be passive in my faith, or active? When I make a request going forward, am I going to trust God completely, and give him thanks for His answers and promises at the same time as I make the request? This is a different concept for me, thanking God for something I have yet to receive, knowing and trusting 100% that He will come through in His own perfect way and time.

This past weekend was Emmaus Sunday, and as a deacon of the church it was my responsibility to coordinate the brunch following the service. Well, time just flew by and this day totally crept up on me. At the beginning of last week, I started to get so overwhelmed! I hadn't done anything to plan or prepare! The church would provide soup, but we needed people to make sandwiches, enough for an entire congregation! I had never planned a meal for that many people before. I had no idea what I was doing. I should have been planning weeks ahead of time, having sign-up sheets out. But here I was, 5 days before the event, and I had nothing. And so of course I started to doubt myself, and apparently doubting God in the process.

I started questioning, "What sort of deacon am I? God, are you sure you've placed me in the right position?" One particular night I just cried and doubted and felt like a complete failure. The next morning, I talked to the other deacon who was in charge of this brunch with me, and he was so calm about it, and he told me, "Hey, God will provide. Everything will be fine." After that I did feel some peace about it and realized, yeah, perhaps He will. I did make a few phone calls and an email was sent out asking people to help make the sandwiches, but we didn't get much response and several people I called weren't home. Again, I started to get a little nervous, but the words came back to me, "God will provide." And I went ahead and said my prayer of thanks.

That Sunday morning I arrived at church at 8:30 to start preparing the soups. As it got closer to the start of the service, people started trickling into the kitchen with platters of sandwiches. Before long, the fridge was completely full! I couldn't believe it! I was just in complete amazement at how food just started appearing! In addition, we had leftover food from a funeral reception the day before. As I started getting all of the sandwiches out and ready and placed everything on the table, I could barely fit it all, there was so much! And to think I was worried that it wouldn't be enough!

At some point in the middle of the bruch, my co-coordinator came up to me, pointed to the table of food, and whispered, "This is what happens when God provides." Um, yeah, you can say that again! And we joked that the lesson for that day should have been how Jesus feeds 5,000. We had more than enough, and plenty leftover for the youth group that evening, and some for the local shelter.

Wow. I suppose I chose the right word afterall, or God chose the word for me, because apparently He had some things to teach me about it. I'm expecting there will be more lessons to come.

Countdown to Christ...

I'm doing something a little bit different this year for lent than what I've done in the past. It seems to be common practice to give something up for lent, to sacrifice something that's a big part of our lives to signify the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for us. Last year I gave up a few things, one of them being daytime TV. I don't even know how I ever had the time for it, but apparently at that time in my life, watching my soaps were pretty important... not that I planned my days around them... well, ok, sometimes I did, I'll admit it. So I gave them up, deciding instead to spend that time with my kids. And it was great! In fact, once lent was over, I allowed myself to watch soaps again and I suprised myself when I found that I no longer wanted to watch them, that I enjoyed that time much more with my kids and doing other things. And I also came to realize that soaps, along with many other shows that I used to watch, go against so many things that I believe in... they go against all of my values. So it turned out to be a really successful learning experiencde for me. This year I attended the first Ash Wednesday service that I've ever been to. It was actually pretty cool. Our pastor spoke about something in her sermon that made me think. She threw out the idea that instead of giving something up for lent, that we might consider adding something to our daily lives that we're not used to doing. Or maybe it's something we've struggled with, like patience, or showing kindness to strangers. For me, at this time in my life, I decided that approach would be something I'd want to try. So for lent this year, I've been trying to add more patience and love to my everyday life. Patience is something I've been struggling with for a long time, whether it's with my kids, or in the car, or in the check-out line at the grocery... I always seem to be in a hurry. For what? I'm not quite sure. This approach I would say has been slightly more difficult for me than giving something up. It's forced me to really work on things about msyelf that I don't like. And boy, has it been tested! But a woman in my Bible study fellowship discussion group helped me with that. She shared about how she's decided to add prayer to her life every single morning when she wakes up. Her exact words were, "I hit the snooze and I hit my knees." "Wow," I thought. "That's a really good idea." I do pray throughout the day, but I'm usually waiting until the moment when I'm totally struggling and sometimes in tears. So I thought trying a different approach could really help me. So that very week, I tried it too! I can't say that I "hit my knees" literally, but as I'm laying in bed each morning (or at least most mornings) for those few minutes before I have to get up, I pray for patience, and for God to help me show love in everything that I do and say. And it's been amazing what a difference it's been making! And in turn, I notice a difference in the days that I don't. It's just not there. I'm grumpy, I'm impatient, and love does not show through in my actions. I've been able to show more patience and love toward my kids in their whiniest of times. And in those moments when I do feel myself feeling like I might lose it, God brings those words "patience" and "love" to my mind and I'm immediately able to respond. And I like that me so much better! And I swear, almost every day that I've been out on the road this past week, I've been behind someone who's going what I would consider to be slow to quite slow. And instead of getting impatient, even when I'm running late, it's been so much easier for me to just sit back, enjoy the ride, and tell myself "I'll get there when I get there. A few minutes isn't going to make any difference in anything." And it's helped me to just slow down. I really like this change in my attitude and my life. So far, it's resulted in more joyful, and less stressful days. So I would definitely say that this approach to lent has been very successful and I can't see myself going back!

The Journey Continues...

It's been a long time since I've written, for many reasons. I've been trying to hold true to the reason I started this blog in the first place. I felt a nudge from the Holy Spirit to do it, because I felt that God had things to say through me. So when I don't write, it's when I don't feel the words coming to me from Him.

I've also been struggling with depression these past few months. I'm feeling much better now, but January and February were pretty rough. I think it had something to do with those winter blues, but it was also a little bit more than that. I was just feeling so disconnected... from God... from my husband... from myself.

But looking back, I really feel that God allowed it because He had things to teach me, and He needed me to be still. Which is interesting because I realized that was part of my problem. Being still was part of what was causing my depression. So I started making plans to get more involved and get out of the house more, as I thought that would help. And it did. I joined a health club, after years and years of not wanting to spend the money. But it's really helped me. They offer childcare, so it's a time to myself that I just don't get at home, time to myself that I really need. I have my favorite songs from KLove on my ipod so it's actually often a time of reflection.

But as I've started to feel better, I still wonder, "why was I struggling so much with 'being still'?" I'm still not quite sure, but I've thought that maybe it's because in my stillness, I was self-absored. I was thinking only of myself and how tired and unmotivated I was feeling. I wasn't praying. I wasn't seeking God. I would do my Bible study to get it done, and I would learn things, but not to maintain. I was emotionally suffering, and as a result, my marriage was suffering, and my relationship with my kids was also suffering. I was a wife and mother that I didn't want to be. So I know I still need to work on being still, but in a way that I can really listen to what God has to say. It's hard.

The best I can tell so far, here's what I've been learning on my journey the past few months:

1. God doesn't want me to seek Him only when things are going bad, but also when things are going well! When I felt like my life was going great last fall and early winter, I stopped seeking, I stopped praying... I stopped praising! It was like I was saying to God, "OK thanks for all your help, but I can take it from here." NOT! And when I look back, it's when I stopped doing those things that it started going downhill.

2. When I am so focused on myself and my own trials and less-than-ideal circumstances, my eyes aren't open to God's blessings. I'm unable to see all of the good things He's doing! When I'm going through those valleys in life, I need to turn my eyes up to the heavens and praise God for all of His greatness, so that my eyes can be opened to His amazing blessings!

3. When I seek God in my trials, I need to expect, not just hope, but expect that He has plans for good things to come out of bad circumstances.

God has also been teaching me about His power. I've been really starting to understand how mighty His power really is! "Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand, or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?" Isaiah 40:12.

Wow, it just gives me such an awesome picture of him! I am so small and powerless in comparison, but it's given me such a great peace to know that a God that big and powerful is taking care of me. I couldn't be in better hands.

And He's been working on my fears... I've always had this great fear of wind, of it's power and strength, of it's damaging effects. Last night as I was putting my boys to bed, the wind really picked up. It was actually scary how it went from pretty calm to such an intense wind. My 3-year-old even saw the fear on my face as I heard it and felt it shaking the house, and in the best way I could, I told him that he is safe, that God keeps us safe, and I turned on his box fan to drown out the outside noise. As I was going to bed, I was afraid. I kept turning on the TV so that I would know if the severe thunderstorm warnings would start to include our county. All of the warnings were to the north, but I was still afraid.

But then, the coolest thing happened! I heard a small voice, a whisper in my heart, saying, "It's just Me. I control the wind, I create it, I direct it, the power of the wind is Mine. I Am the wind." And I immediately felt an amazing peace come over me, like a big cozy blanket. And as my faith and understanding of God's power grew over the next several minutes, the wind began to die down. It reminded me of the storms of life, how God plans it all and controls every circumstance, and with faith there is peace, even in the darkest moments.

Gosh, I feel like I could just keep writing and writing about everything God has been teaching me, but some of it I haven't fully processed yet. So more to come.

Many God bless all of you who read this,
Kristen

The Gift

This morning I had somewhat of a vision, or maybe it was more like a dream. I heard my husband get up with my son around 6am, and then this vision, or dream, started. It was so vivid and so strong, there was no way I was going back to sleep. All I can do when I experience these types of moments is get up, grab my notebook and pen, and start writing...

...I was sitting at home on the couch just hanging out with my family and friends when there was a knock on the door. Since it was the holiday season I just assumed perhaps it was the UPS guy or something. But to my surprise, it was two uniformed men. They proceeded to handcuff me and tell me I had to come with them to stand before the Judge and accept my sentence for the crimes I had committed. I was in total disbelief! What crimes?!? I thought I had been leading a pretty good life! I've never been arrested, never robbed a bank or stolen anything (well at least nothing major... this one time when I was like 5 or 6 years old I stole a pack of gum from the grocery store check-out line. When we got to the car my mom noticed it and made me take it back and apologize, but they couldn't be talking about that!).

I said, "You must have me mixed up with somebody else. I haven't committed any crimes."

One of the uniformed men asked, "Are you Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant?"

"Well yes, that's me," I proudly confirmed.

"Then there's no mistake," said the uniformed officer. "You must come with us."

I said a quick good-bye to my family, gave them hugs and kisses and told them I would be home as soon as I cleared up this big mistake.

As I rode in the back of the car I started to become more nervous, wondering what the heck this could possibly be about. What did I do that was so wrong? And if I did do something terrible, who the heck knew about it anyway?!?

We pulled up to the biggest courthouse I'd ever seen. It was dark and gloomy, not really a place I'd choose to spend any time. As we walked inside, it did not get any prettier. It was safe to judge this book by the cover. It was just... cold. There was a long line of people waiting, and I was led to the end of the line. I got a big chill through my body, despite my warm jacket. From the looks of the line, it was going to be awhile.

I said again to one of the uniformed men, "Seriously, there's been a terrible mistake. I don't belong here. Who can I talk to in order to get this whole thing resolved?"

"We've heard that line thousands of times before. Take it up with the Judge," he said.

I let out a huge sigh. It was hopeless. All I could do was just wait. As I looked around at the other people in line, some of them looked pretty normal, just like me, and I wondered what they possibly could have done to be here. Maybe there'd been a lot of mistakes made today and we all just needed to get things cleared up. But then I saw some other people who definitely looked like they deserved to be here, they'd probably done something really bad. Some of them just looked plain creepy... weird clothes, unshaven, strange jewelry... I noticed one woman in particular about 10 people ahead of me who looked about my age, had a fairly pretty face, but way too much make-up, and seriously, if her skirt was any shorter she might as well not be wearing one! Geez, woman! Put on some clothes! If I'm cold, I can't imagine the chill she must be feeling.

Just then a strange man wearing all white walked up to her and offered her a coat. I couldn't quite make out his face as he was turned away from me. She took it and smiled and I saw her lips move to the words of a quiet 'thank you'. He said 'you're welcome,' and walked away. Hmm. That was nice of him, I guess. Although he'll probably be cold now.

The line was moving very slowly and I was starting to get impatient. I so did NOT belong here, and I was more than anxious to find out what they think I'd done so awful to drag me away from my nice warm house and the people I love to come here.

Finally! It was finally my turn. The uniformed men walked me into the courtroom and sat me in front of the Judge.

The Judge spoke, "Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant, you are charged with countless sins, transgressions and iniquities," and he began to list them all off, one by one. To my surprise, it took several hours (now I knew why the line was moving so slowly), and everything he listed was true, I think, and I say that because some things dated back to quite a long time ago that I could hardly remember, and of course the things he listed off from back in college were very hazy, to say the least.

He read about the time when I was in 7th grade... I wrote a nasty letter to a friend about my teacher. It was so undeserved, I don't know what prompted me to write it. I think she had given us an assignment that I thought was stupid and I didn't want to do it. When I'd tried to pass it off to my friend in the hallway, this teacher that I had written about intercepted it, read it and confronted me. It was one of the worst moments, one of the worst feelings, of my life. The feeling that I had truly, deeply hurt someone who didn't deserve it. My words really cut her that day. I'd almost forgotten about that (at least I've tried to).

Then the judge listed off the times I'd lied to and disobeyed my parents... the times I gossiped or heard friends gossiping and didn't stop it... all the times I got drunk, especially before I was 21... the several years of my life I was so high on pot that I was totally numb to everything else in my life, including my marriage... all the times I put my faith in money and other people instead of God... the moments I saw someone in need and just kept walking, pretending I didn't see... all the times I rebelled and tried to live life my own way, according to my own will instead of God's... the times I was prideful... the times I acted out on anger, greed, lust, fear and doubt... and finally, he listed all of the judgments I made of almost everyone standing in line before me, only hours earlier.

When he had finally finished reading through my list, he looked down at me and asked, "How do you plead?"

There's no way I could possibly deny any single thing on that list. I did it all. I was completely, 100%, shamefully guilty. I sheepishly replied, my voice no louder than the whisper of a mouse, "But what about all of the good things I've done in my life? Doesn't that count for anything? Shouldn't some of it balance out... or something?" One could only hope. And as my father always said, "You never know if you don't ask."

The Judge replied, "Your good deeds have been noted, but a price must be paid for this long list of sins, transgressions and iniquities."

In my mind I had expected some type of monetary amount, or perhaps some community service? I mean, it's not like I'd done anything really, really bad, right? I mean, everyone makes mistakes. Nobody's perfect. But as if the Judge could read my mind, the words came out of his mouth, "I sentence you to... the death penalty."

My legs immediately collapsed under me and I was sure I was going to be sick right there on the courtroom floor. The death penalty?!? Was he serious?!?

At that moment, a man walked in. It was the same man, dressed in white, who I'd seen earlier offering the barely-clothed woman his coat. He came and stood beside me, and gave me a hand to help me up. His other hand was held up to the Judge as he yelled, "Wait!"

Who was this man, and what could he possibly have to say that was so important that it could change the outcome of this terrible mess?

"I will pay the price. I will carry out her sentence in her place," said the man. I looked at him in total disbelief. Who is this guy??

The judge replied, "Are you sure about this?"

The man replied with certainty, "Yes, I am prepared to take her place."

The judge continued, "I just want to make sure you understand what you're getting yourself into. This death penalty will involve a great deal of pain and suffering. You will be beaten just shy of death, you will wear a crown of thorns on your head and carry a cross out of town and up a hill, at which point your hands and feet will be nailed to that same cross. You will be placed upright on the cross for everyone to see. Then the side of your chest will be punctured with a spear, it'll most likely puncture your heart. Basically, you will hang there suffering in more pain than you could possibly ever imagine until you bleed to death. Now... do you want to retract your offer?"

"No," said the man in white. "My offer still stands. I will endure whatever pain and suffering is required so that her life is spared."

This guy is crazy, I thought. He doesn't even know me! The man turned to me and looked me in the eyes, and spoke as if he, too, was reading my thoughts.

"Yes, I do know you," said the man. "My name is Jesus. And my Father, God, sent me to save your life by paying the price for your sins, and to tell you how much He loves you."

I didn't know what to say. How could I let this man, Jesus, pay the price and endure the pain and suffering for everything I've done wrong?

"I wouldn't even know where to begin in repaying you," I said to Jesus.

"You don't need to repay anything," He replied. "This is a gift of love from my Father to you. All you have to do is admit your guilt, ask for forgiveness, and accept this gift of Life. Then, your sins, transgressions and iniquities will be forgiven and forgotten, and you can continue on with your life with a new freedom and eternal life that you didn't have before. All I ask is for you to learn from your mistakes and do your best not to make any more. Oh, and love your neighbor as yourself."

"But, wait, what if... what if I just can't do it? I mean, it sounds kind of hard, to not sin. Actually, that's impossible! What if I struggle? What if I just plain fail?" I cried.

"Anytime that happens," replied Jesus, "just think back and remember this moment, when I gave my life for yours. And I will be there to help you. You don't need to struggle through this life alone anymore. Now... do you accept this gift of Life?"

With tears in my eyes I fell back down to my knees and responded humbly, "Yes, I accept your gift. Thank you." What else could I say? This was not a difficult decision to make.

The judge commended, "Kristen Amber Hayek Kriesant, you are hereby forgiven and are free to go. Please exit through the door to the right."

I hadn't noticed before, but there were two doors, one on either side of the Judge. To the right said "Eternal Life" and to the left said "Eternal Death".

As I began walking through the door to Eternal Life, I was too overwhelmed for words. I overheard the man behind me pleading his case to the Judge, trying to claim his innocence. Again, this man Jesus, offered to pay the price for all of his wrong-doings, but the man just kept insisting he was innocent and didn't deserve any penalty in the first place. I cried when the Judge sent him kicking and screaming through the other door. Why didn't he listen? Why didn't he accept the gift that Jesus offered? It made me so sad. He'd been given a chance for Life, and he rejected it.

But, it was time for me to go. I had a new mission. I was given a new Life. I had to get home to my family and friends and tell them and everyone I knew the good news about his man named Jesus, who saved me!

Looking Back or Looking Ahead?

This time of year is of course most recognized for reflection... on the past year's accomplishments and failures... and the upcoming year's goals, things we want to do differently... things we want to change to make our lives better... to make ourselves better.


I've had so many thoughts going through my mind the past couple days on this subject that it's kind of hard for me to narrow it down right now. Maybe it'll take a few entries to get it all out. I mean, 2010 was a great year. We bought a house and made the committment to stay where we are and settle down for awhile, Frank got a promotion at work, both boys hit countless development milestones, I stepped up to a leadership position in my MOPS group, and have learned so much more about God and myself through Bible Study Fellowship. Yeah, you could say 2010 was a very productive year!

I've never really been a believer in new years resolutions. Maybe it's because I've never been one to hold to it. I stick with it for about the first month or so. Or maybe even a few weeks. But that's just me. Maybe it's because I have to really be ready to make a change for myself. It can't be because it's January 1st when our society says "Ok! It's time to make a change!" It just doesn't work for me that way. Life's challenges don't go by a calendar. Every day creates a new opportunity to make a change. Every day is an opportunity to make different decisions... better decisions. Every morning provides a clean slate. And it's what I choose to do with it that will determine whether or not a change will take place. I struggle with that most of the time... maybe because I'm lazy. Because it's harder to make a change. It's hard to make a decision to break an unhealthy habit. Or rather it's easy to make the decision, but hard to take action and follow through. It's so much easier to just go through the motions, day and day out.

But eventually, and not necessarily at the beginning of a new year, I grow tired of going through the motions. It creates a numbness in a way. Not the same kind of numbness that comes with depression, but more of a contentment with the way things are, not because I'm happy with it, but because it's just easier... it's comfortable.


On KLove the other day they were talking about choosing a word to live by in the new year, something that will drive your decisions and your way of life. I like that idea. So I've been thinking and praying about what my word might be. One word that God keeps bringing to my mind is faith. I'm not sure exactly it would entail. Maybe it's faith in myself, to be stronger, more confident, to make those tough, but better, decisions. Maybe it'll be a reminder to put my faith and trust in God instead of other people and worldly things, which I have really struggled with in my life. Or maybe it's faith in my marriage. Frank and I experienced quite a bit of struggle last year in our marriage. We've always had our ups and downs, it's never really been an easy road for us. We're headed in a healthier direction now than we were a few months ago, but we still have a ways to go. Or maybe it's all of these things.

Faith, according to Hebrews 11:1, is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

But another word that has been creeping into my mind the past 2 days is passion. The chorus from the song "The Motions" by Matthew West has been playing over and over in my mind today:

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
Without your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

Perhaps this year I need to rediscover the things that I'm passionate about. It's easy to lose that passion when you become a parent, because your kids take everything you have. At least that's been my experience. I'm definitley passionate about being a good mom, but at the same time, "Who was I before I became a mom?" Or better yet, "Who do I want to be aside from a mom?" That's one of the things that I've always admired about Frank, one of the things that first attracted me to him (besides his devastatingly good looks :) He has a passion inside of him for everything he does. And that passion has motivated him to follow his dreams in the automotive industry. In the past few years I've basically just been supportive to him, following where he goes. And I've been happy to do it. But what about me??? What am I passionate about? What are my dreams? What motivates me? These are questions that I have struggled with and prayed about, and I think God has been giving me bits and pieces of answers to those questions, but I still need to fit those pieces together. Because life isn't about just going through the motions.

So I guess I still have some things to think about and pray about going into the new year.