Weakness Exposed

This morning I'm letting it all hang out. God has challenged me to look inside and find my weaknesses. It seems easy enough, but sometimes it's really hard! I mean, who wants to admit their true weakness?

This morning I realized one of them. When I am lacking sleep, I'm... not quite myself, to say the least. I get angry and frustrated at the smallest, stupidest things! Samuel, my nearly 6-month-old, has decided that he doesn't want to sleep through the night right now. Wait... let me rephrase that. It's not like he's thinking, "Hmmm.... let's see if I can really throw Mom for a loop by waking up crying a couple times a night." No. He's only 6 months old! He's teething. He's growing. He's hungry. He's hot. He's cold. He needs reassurance. And I'm his mother. It's my job to take care of all those things. I made that choice. Little did I realize that my weaknesses would be exposed in that decision.

I've learned through having children that if I don't get a good, solid 7-8 hours of sleep, I'm grumpy. I wake up cranky. And on some days, I take it out on my sweet little boys.

Like this morning... last night Samuel was up at 3am, and again at 5:15. I made it back to bed at 5:45, only to have my husband's alarm go off 15 minutes later. As I drifted back to sleep, my husband came in asking if I knew where his hair brush was, which I did because moms are supposed to know where everything is, right? (Benjamin had misplaced it in a different drawer). That's also part of my job as a mom, which I fail at miserably sometimes. Anyway, then Benjamin came in 5 minutes later with a wet diaper. Change diaper. I ask him to lay with me in bed, which 6 out of 7 days, he does. Today was the 1 day day he didn't. Husband brings up juice and a movie to watch in his room. Husband takes Ben to his room while I lay in bed. Ben doesn't want to sit in his bed because it's wet. Ben has tantrum in hallway. BEN WAKES UP SAM.

At this point I stomp out of bed and into Ben's room, pull the covers off of his bed, put the quilt on the bed with another blanket and say, "There! It's dry!" I stomp out. This upsets Ben even more. I stop. I ask myself, "What am I doing?" Sure, I'm frustrated that I didn't get enough sleep. But at this point, I have a choice to make.

I went back to Ben, knelt down beside his bed, lowered my voice to a loud whisper, and politely asked him what I could do for him to make him feel better. This was a much better tactic and he calmed down almost instantly. (Well, DUH!)

Two minutes later he was content in his bed with his juice, dinosaurs, sleeping bag, fuzzy blanket and movie. I shamefully walked back into my room and slipped into bed. As I listenedd to Sam cooing quietly and happily in his crib, I prayed.

God, please forgive me for the way I acted toward Benjamin this morning. My weakness is not his problem. It's mine. Thank you for blessing me with Benjamin and Samuel, and my wonderful, supportive and understanding husband, Frank. Thank you for exposing this weakness to me, for I bring it to you and ask for strength. Please give me the courage to admit my weaknesses to myself, my husband, and my boys, to embrace them as part of me, and use them to become closer to you. Thank you, Jesus, for dying on the cross for my sins. I am a sinful person and I don't deserve it, but through your Sacrifice and Grace, I am Forgiven. Amen.

After all of this the thought crossed my mind that I probably shouldn't be letting my kids see my weaknesses and my mistakes, but I quickly changed that train of thought. I think it's good for them to see that Mommy isn't perfect. I'm not Supermom. And it's okay that my kids aren't perfect and they often don't act the way I want them to at the time that I want them to. Mommy makes mistakes. They make mistakes. And I think it's actually good for them to see the process: mistake through weakness... repentance... forgiveness... move on.

Pancakes, anyone?

This afternoon my 2-yr-old Benjamin broke out in song, "Yes, Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so." I actually had to do a double-take. I was totally surprised! I asked him if that's the song they sang in Moppets (children's program for MOPS, Mothers Of Preschoolers) this morning and he said "yes". Apparently he's been paying attention! This brings me such joy because I've been wondering lately at what age to start telling him about God and Jesus and how to tell him. It's actually been a little heavy on my mind lately. I'm so grateful for the Moppets teachers for helping me with this!!! I actually had the opportunity to volunteer at the Tuesday Moppets group yesterday and it was so cool to have the chance to see what Benjamin is doing and how he's learning and growing while I'm doing the same in my MOPS group. Love it!

Thank you, God, for blessing me with my beautiful boy, Benjamin. Please help me to teach him everything you want him to know. And please help me to be patient with him, as he is, afterall, only 2.

It's nice to have some quiet, peaceful time to myself this afternoon. Both of my boys are napping, which doesn't happen very often. Usually I would try to take a nap myself, but today I felt like I just wanted some time to relax and read, and then I found myself praying. I feel so refreshed when I really take the time to sit and be still with God... to feel the peace of his presence and listen to what he has to say.

Today He took me to the Klove radio website, which I've been meaning to do but just never remember when I'm sitting at the computer. I always have Klove on when I'm driving because I can't get the radio station in my house for whatever reason. But when I went to the website I found out that I can listen online! This has totally made my day! It doesn't matter what is going on in my life or even what's going on in that moment, the music and talk on Klove just turns my focus back on God, it drowns out any outside noise and distractions, it takes me outside of myself and my own life, to the needs and struggles of others, and I feel at peace.

I feel like I've used the word "peace" a few times while writing today. But I really can't think of any other word that's more appropriate to express my mood and well-being right now! I wish I could just maintain that peace all the time! Maybe now that I can listen to Klove all day... :)

Prayer

This prayer really struck me the first time I read it while studying the book "Unbinding Your Heart" by Martha Grace Reese, and I find myself going back to it and praying it over and over again, so I wanted to share it. It reminds me a little of the song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks. It rings so true in my life, and as I've recently learned, God is always in control. As a parent to a child, He knows best. He knows what I need a lot better than I do! I'm always amazed at the things He's trying to teach me at just the right time in my life... when I'm ready to learn:

I asked for strength that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I had asked for,
but everything that I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered;
I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

~ Unknown soldier, 19th century, American Civil War

Day 4 of Vacation Destination: Florida

As we enter into Day 4 of this vacation I can't help but think that God has a higher purpose for us on this journey to this particular place at this particular time. I don't know exactly what that is yet but all will be revealed in due time.

Frank's Dad was gracious enough to offer to stay at our house to take care of our dogs while we're away, saving us a boat load of money on kennel costs. He also offered up his Toyota for us to travel in, as we had our doubts on whether or not our 1998 minivan would make the trip. About 2 hours south of Atlanta we stopped for gas and Frank just happened to check the oil level, only to find it was more than 2 quarts low. Ummmm.... not good. So he put more oil in and we continued our journey, stopping every 60-100 miles to put more oil in.

Had this happened a year or two ago, I would have been very concerned, stressed and afraid of not making it to our destination in one piece. And I might be disappointed that car trouble would ruin our vacation.

But I couldn't help but be at peace. I knew that God was in control. I had complete faith that we would arrive safely. It reminded me of a time when my family was on vacation. We were taking a road trip through the Pennsylvania mountains on our way to visit family in Maryland. It was in the middle of the night when our car broke down. I wonder what my Dad was thinking, how he was feeling in the dark, on the side of the road on some mountain in the middle of nowhere while his children slept in the car. Was he afraid? All I remember is that a young man did see us and stopped to help. He didn't know anything about mechanics, but he had his little hatchback, which he allowed us to all pile into to and he drove us to a hotel close by to where our van was being serviced. We called him our guardian angel.

In our particular present circumstance, my husband does have quite a skill and talent in mechanics. He knew exactly what was going on with the Toyota and knew exactly what to do. He was saying that he shouldn't have been doubting all of the work he had done on our minivan (which we bought for $200 and he rebuilt the transmission and did a bunch of other work to it, making it a safe, everyday driver), and that he would never doubt his ability again. But I was thinking something a little different.

I agree that he should not doubt his mechanical skills and intelligence, but I also realized that it was probably a good thing that this happened while my husband was driving it, because his dad or anyone else may not have caught the problem in time, before the oil ran out and locked up the engine. How many people check the oil of their vehicles on a regular basis? Actually while we were at a gas station putting oil in there was a sign at the pump saying something like, "Have you checked your oil levels lately?"

Frank's mechanical skills are no doubt given to him from God for a purpose. He's used that gift to help a lot of people, including my mom when her van broke down while she was visiting me at college. And it's funny that as all of this is happening I am reading a chapter in my book about our God-given gifts, and how each of us were created to have our own special set of gifts and talents to use for God purpose. They are different for each one of us so we can help each other. If we were all given the same gifts, we wouldn't need help from each other.

I'm still trying to figure out what gifts God has given to me to use for His purpose, but I have a few ideas.

As for our vacation, it is in no way ruined. We had a wonderful visit with Frank's brother and his wife yesterday despite some clouds and rain. While Frank took the Toyota to the dealership the boys and I had a chance to go swimming at the hotel pool and nap and I had a little quiet time myself.

Oh, and while it was raining, the sun played peek-a-boo and revealed a beautiful rainbow. This morning the sun is shining, it's going to be a high of 83, and I look forward to whatever adventure God has in store for us.

Day 1 of Vacation Destination: Florida

We're on our first vacation in ... oh... about 6 1/2 years. At least that's what I've been telling people. But the truth is, I think my definition of "vacation" is just changing. I used to think a good vacation had everything to do with the destination, which for me, required sand, sun, water, a faraway place, and... a decent dose of alcohol.

But now that we've made our first stop in good ol' Tennessee to visit some of our best friends, I realize I've had many vacations in the past several years. Every time I come here, and have the opportunity to sit in the stillness of the country (and it's very still at 6:30am, which is what time Sam had me up this morning), I feel refreshed! There's something about a sky full of stars and the quiet steps of a deer family at dawn eating their breakfast right outside the window just as the sun is starting to peak through the trees, that makes me stop and just be still. I don't have much of a chance to "be still"in my daily life. Benjamin and Samuel no longer take naps at the same time and they of course keep me very busy!

But it's not just the quiet innocence of the place that I am right now that refreshes my spirit, but the presence of some of our best friends. It's reconnecting. And that's something I now realize has become more important than my environment.

After living away from family and close friends for the past 3 years, I've come to recognize how much I really miss them. And how refreshing it really is to have that quality, face-to-face time whenever I can get it. Even if it's just for a night or two. Email and facebook are great, and phone calls are even better, but none of it replaces the connections I make in person, when I can see another set of eyes looking back at me.

Two weeks ago I went to a reunion, where 12 great friends gathered for the first time in about 4 years. To get that many people together at the same time, and with all of our 9 kids, was nothing short of awesome. Even though it was only for 2 days, it was time away from every day life. It was an escape from the 4 walls of my own home. It was many moments of laughter and reminiscing and reconnecting... in the exotic town of Carmel, IN!

There were no beaches or palm trees, but plenty of friends, and those, I've decided, are some of the best vacations.

Spring Brings New Life

Finally... the long awaited Spring is here! I'm not sure it'll be staying for the long haul yet, but I'll take what I can get for now. I've always thought my favorite season was summer - I'm a total warm weather person. I'm happiest outside in the sunshine... taking long walks, swimming, biking, playing at the park with my boys, basking in the sun with a good book (which I admit I don't get to do very often these days as a mother of 2)... but I may reconsider my favorite season to be Spring.

After a long, cold, dreary winter, when Spring finally comes it brings so much... LIFE! I love those first really mild days, when I can walk outside and take a deep breath of the sweet spring air and fresh cut grass, and drive with the windows down and let the wind blow through my hair (although Benjamin announced this morning that he does not like it so windy in the car, so I had to settle for a slight breeze). I love seeing the trees in bloom, after so much gloom and brown and blah, to start seeing buds on the trees again brings the promise of green. As I walked into the grocery store yesterday there was a rush of sweet aroma coming from the floral area. I'm usually not one who likes to spend money on flowers, but I just couldn't resist slipping a small pot of purple Hyacinth into my cart.

Ahhhhhh... Spring!

Spring just feels... good! And it feels good to feel good! It's refreshing, it's warm, and yes, it's also often rainy, as it was today. A friend just reminded me the other day that April showers bring May flowers! So if the rain is going to help the beauty of Spring along, then bring it on!

Spring brings a promise of hope, of good things to come... better things! Someone told me today that for her, Spring feels like being "reborn". I thought that was a great way to think of it, because it does feel that way when the warm sun shines on my face for the first time and the sweet fragrance in the air fills my whole being. I can't help but smile.

And with Spring comes Easter, when we celebrate new life that we have in Jesus Christ. On Easter I will celebrate His resurrection, that he died for me. He sacrificed himself to save me. And he rose from the dead for me, so that I would have new life! Eternal life by His grace. He loves me that much! Now that is something to celebrate!

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." ~Romans 5:8