The Gifts of Christmas

"It's the most wonderful time of the year...."

... and the most stressful! For whatever reason, this time of year has always been more stressful for me than anything else. For the past few years, the commercialism of Christmas has been bothering me more and more each year... and how much focus is on getting the best Christmas gifts at the best prices...

Last year in particular I'd had just about enough. We get so wrapped up in gift giving, and Santa Clause! Up until now I haven't really told my son Benjamin about Santa Clause, because I just didn't know how. And to be honest, I didn't really want him to know about Santa yet, at least not until he new first the "real reason for the season"... the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ. So last year I bought him some Christmas story books and really just focused on that. We did give him gifts, but none of them were from "Santa".

Another reason I would get so stressed about Christmas gifts is I just never knew what to get for people. At first I thought, well maybe I need to really focus on getting to know my family better so that I'll know the perfect Christmas gift to give them. Maybe that was my problem... maybe I didn't pay close enough attention to their needs. So this past year, that's what I tried to do. I really tried to focus, I tried to do less talking and more listening... and then try and remember when the time came what their needs and wants are.

But I came to a conclusion that I didn't quite expect. And the question entered my mind, "What gifts do I buy for people who really do have EVERYTHING they need?" My family is very blessed. We all have everything we could ever need. Sure, there are always things we want. That list seems to be neverending... We could all use a new shirt, new pants, new shoes to go with our new shirts and pants, and new jewelry to top it all off, new tools, new kitchen stuff, new decorations for the house, and on and on... but we don't really need those things. For the most part, the clothes and jewelry and shoes and hats and gloves and everything else, is just fine. It's not torn, it still fits. Perhaps we get bored with what we have, but it still does the job.

And then there's the money, always feeling the need to spend the right about of money for gifts and trying to fit it into the budget. Although I never truly would budget for Christmas gifts, I would just buy what I needed to buy and hope it wouldn't break the bank.

So this year we decided to do something a little different. We're not exchanging gifts this year. Not because I don't want to spend the money, or because I don't want to try and figure out the perfect gift for everyone. I wanted to spend the money we have on people who really and truly NEED the gifts of Christmas. So we've adopted a family in need, 2 young parents with 2 boys around the same ages as ours.

This has been so heavy on my heart this year, and it's truly changed the entire Christmas gift-giving experience for me. We won't be able to actually hand the gifts to the family or meet them or see their faces when they open their gifts. But hopefully we can provide them with a merrier Christmas just the same, and of course we can pray for them.

I've been getting better about not stressing about money this year, and just having faith that God will provide for our needs, one way or another. But Satan still has a way of creeping in and then leaving bits and pieces of doubt and fear behind. The point of this blog was not in any way to place judgement on those who feel differently about Christmas and Santa and gift-giving than I do, but only to share my own thoughts and feelings about it, and to share the words below, which required a little bit of background information.

Just in the past few days I've been praying for God to take away my anxiety about money and to keep trusting Him, no matter what life's circumstances bring. Last night I got an email from someone at church asking if I could provide a few gifts for a boy in the church's preschool program who's part of a family in need. I had shown interest a few weeks ago, before we adopted a family, but then never heard anything about it. We had already committed to this other family, but I thought, "I guess I can get a few more gifts for one more.... yeah, I can do that." And then something cool happened today. I won a Walmart gift card in a drawing at my MOPS meeting this morning. I never win anything, and on any other day at any other time of year it would be totally random, but of all the drawings and all the things I could have won... It's not a crazy amount of money, but it's enough.

It's like God was there saying, "I'll provide the money, and you go get the gifts." It was pretty amazing.

Once again, God proves his faithfulness.

A burden so heavy...

I heard something on my favorite radio station, KLove, the other day that hit me really hard. That's what I love about KLove, it's constantly challenging the way I think and the way I see myself, the world, and God. I loved it so much that I just had to share it because it's one of the truest things I've ever heard and I could truly relate.

It's from the blog of Christian musican Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real. His son, Bowen, was born with an underdeveloped heart and was diagnosed with a rare congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS). I believe he was recently released from the hospital and made his way home to his family at nine weeks old.

This excerpt is from a book that Matt read the other day called "Wrestling With An Angel" by Greg Lucas. He writes that it's "a story of love, disability, and the lessons of grace".

"I hear religious minded people say all the time with good intentions, 'God will never place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it.'
Really?
My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on him.
'My power is made perfect in your weakness,' He says, as we strain under our burden.
Whatever the burden, it might indeed get worse, but know this - God is faithful. And while we change and get old, He does not. When we get weaker, He remains strong. And in our weakness and humility, He offers us true, lasting, transforming, and undeserved grace."

- Greg Lucas

This morning I really wanted to attend a seminar through the Bible study that I go to. I've been looking forward to it and feeling like I really wanted and needed to go. The only thing I didn't prepare for was childcare. Normally when I attend the Bible study, childcare is provided and they actually have a great program for the kids! But for stuff outside of the norm, we have to find our own, which is fine, but it's so hard for me to do... to ask someone to watch my kids for a few hours. It's probably one of the hardest things that I could ask of someone, the most difficult form of help. I'm not quite sure why, I just hate placing that burden on people, especially those who already have kids!

So because of this, I procrastinated on making arrangements for childcare until the last minute. When I finally worked up the guts to call people to ask this huge favor (of course I had no choice as the seminar was the next morning), I found that of the 5 people I called, nobody was available, between field trips with their kid's school, sick kids, and shopping plans, I was left with no babysitter.

I had prayed about it earlier in the day yesterday after making my phone calls and leaving messages. I said, "God, if you want me to go to this seminar, then you'll provide a way. If nobody can help take care of the boys, then I'm not meant to be there tomorrow." And I let it go. Needless to say, I was not able to make it.

So far I've learned two lessons here:

1. Don't procratinate! Especially with important things, like finding a babysitter! I am typically the Queen of Procrastination, and it comes back to bite me all the time. You think I would have learned by now.

2. God is in control. He is in complete control. Always. In every single event that happens. Every day. Everywhere.

For me, one way I've been able to decipher God's will and His answers to prayer in recent years is through circumstances. He actually speaks to me very loudy through circumstance. If it works out, it's meant to be. If it doesn't, it's not, at least not in that particular time and place.

It's really hard to accept God's will sometimes, especially when he says "no" to something I really want. I mean, doesn't God put desires in our hearts? At least that's what I thought. But maybe it's not always meant to work out the way we hope or expect. This seminar is just a small example of this, but it was called "Sharing the Gospel." Now, I would think that's something He would want me to attend, right? But I may never know His reasons for telling me, "Not this time, not now."

As I came to accept the fact that I wasn't going to be able to go to the seminar that I really really wanted to go to, I started thinking more about it... it's been such a busy week! Wait, it's been a busy few weeks! This week has been non-stop I feel like. We've had stuff going on every day, and every morning we've had to be up and out of the house early. Samuel's nap schedule has been totally screwed up. And don't even get me started on our meal schedules this week. It's just been crazy! And tomorrow morning the kids and I leave to go out of town for the weekend. I have a huge pile of laundry and packing to do, and I have unpacking to do from the move before I can even do any packing! I had to get to the grocery store so my hubby has food to eat this weekend while I'm gone, I have to make soup for a church event that I won't be able to attend because I'll be out of town but I committed to it awhile ago... wow, that's a long list! And I was going to try and throw in an 1-1/2 hour seminar! Who do I think I am? Superwoman?? Ha!!!

Or then again, maybe there's a reason God didn't want me on the road this morning at that particular time, or maybe He just wanted me to stay home and write this blog (since it's been, like, forever since I've written!). My point is, there are a million reasons why God does what He does, and everything He does has a specific purpose, and all of it is out of His unbelieveable, unconditional, unimaginable love for us.

For me, it all comes back to Trust, another common theme for me lately. Trusting that God is in total control, and like a parent to a child, He knows what's best for me better than I do. All the time. In every circumstance. And I know there are times when he says, "No"that it's easier to just accept and move on, like today, and other times my reaction may be to stomp around and piss and moan and whine and complain that it's not fair, and question His reasoning. But seriously, I have to continue to ask myself, as I try give up control of my life, do I really trust that God knows what He's doing??? Well... I think I'm getting there.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

The Perfect Parent

I don't think I ever really understood what unconditional love meant until I became a parent. I love my kids so much that it's overwhelming sometimes, I feel like my heart isn't big enough to hold all of the love I have. There are moments when I just want to hug them so hard and never let go, and everything I do, every decision I make is only in their best interest, to help them learn, to help them grow, to push them and challenge them and encourage them, to teach them the important lessons in life.

One of the hardest things about being a parent is seeing my kids in pain... when they fall I run to pick them up and see if they're ok. If they're sad or sick, my heart cries for them... I would give anything to make them feel better again. As a parent, and especially as a mom, I feel that it's my responsibility to protect them.

Unfortunately, a lot of the time, parenting involves discipline. Sometimes I have to raise my voice if I feel like they haven't heard me the first five times that I've asked them to do something. If they're still not listening, I give them a time-out, a break to give them a chance to sit and think about what they've done wrong and how they can improve themselves going forward. One would assume that a soon-to-be-three-year-old doesn't necessarily sit in the corner and ponder how he could behave differently, but when time-out is over, he's able to tell me why he needed a break, we talk about how he needs to improve his behavior going forward, and the bad behavior is typically not repeated again.

As the mother of my boys, I know better than anybody else what they need at any given time, and I know what's best for them. I know they often don't understand why I tell them to do certain things, or why they can't do certain things... although I do my best best to explain my reasons for things. I try to avoid "because I said so" or "because I'm the mom" as much as possible.

Just recently, I've starting to learn more about God as a parent, and I've been able to really start seeing myself through His eyes. And for the first time I've begun to really understand that kind of perfect unconditional love that He has for us! To think of God in that way, to compare His role as a Father to His children, has been so eye-opening to me! I mean, I've heard all my life from pastors and group leaders and prayer groups, and of course, the Bible, refering to Him as "Father", but I never really grasped that concept until recently. Being a Father, He really does only want what's best for me, for all us! Of course He wants me to be happy, He doesn't want to see me in pain, He provides ways to challenge me to help me learn and grow. He knows me better than anybody else. He knows exactly what I need at any given time!

I think about how frustrating it must be for Him when I don't listen, when I disobey, when I talk back, when I turn around and walk away from Him to do what I want to do. So often I find myself telling my toddler, "When I ask you to do something, I want you to just do it," or "It makes me angry when you disobey," or "I don't like it when you don't listen." I wonder how many times God has said that to me in the past 32 years? It's kind of funny to think about it in that way. The only difference is that God is a perfect parent. And of course, I am not. But it does give me something to strive for.

Daily Bread: Dogged Devotion

The Daily Bread message on facebook today really spoke to me and I just wanted to share it. I don't have any thoughts to add right now, as I'm still pondering it myself, but whoever wrote this pretty much sums it up better than I ever could. I did change the names of the dogs to those of my own because it brought it closer to home.

Dogged Devotion

READ: John 15:9-17

"In Your presence is fullness of joy. - Psalm 16:22"

Sadie and Dusty don't care much for television. They would rather look out a window than stare at a small screen. Reading doesn't thrill them either. They have been known to "chew" on books, but only in the strictly literal sense. Nevertheless, they enjoy being with us. Sadie and Dusty are our very devoted dogs. More than anything (well, just about anything) Sadie and Dusty want to be with us.

The word dogged means "determined and persistent." These words describe Sadie and Dusty. They should also describe us. When we are devoted to God, we want to be with Him even when he's doing something that makes no sense to us. We may ask, "Why, Lord?" when He seems angry (Ps. 88:14) or when He seems to be napping (44:23), or when the wicked prosper (Jer. 12:1). But when we remain devoted to God despite our questions, we find fullness of joy in His presence (Ps. 16:11).

Jesus knew that we would have questions. To prepare us for them, He urged us to abide in His love (John 15:9-10). Even when God's ways are inexplicable, His love is reliable. So we remain doggedly devoted to Him.

Never should our love be just a word,
A passing phase, a brief emotion;
But love that honors Christ our
Lord Responds to Him with deep devotion. - Hess

I was watching the movie "Finding Nemo" yesterday with my 2-yr-old, a movie I have seen no less than 200 times, and one of the scenes caught my attention as I watched it in a different light.

It's basically about a clown fish, Marlin, who looses his son, Nemo, to divers and he travels across the ocean to Sydney to find him. Along his journey, Marlin meets several fish, and sea turtles, who help him along. And he also encounters many hurdles that slow him down. At one point, he and his fish friend, Dori, are swallowed by a whale. While inside the whale, Dori is gleefully riding the waves with the whale's movement while Marlin is frantically trying to get out, with no success. Suddenly the whale stops moving and the water starts going down. The whale tells them to "go to the back of the throat." Dori obeys, while Marlin assumes the whale is trying to eat them. As the whale lifts up his tongue to send the water and 2 fish down into the "dark", Dori and Marlin continue to hold on, attempting to prolong the inevitable (as if they have a choice in the matter). Then the whale speaks again. The part that struck me is the conversation that follows:

Dori says to Marlin: "He said it's time to let go! Everything's going to be alright!"
Marlin: "How do you know?!? How do you know something bad isn't going to happen?!?"
Dori: "I don't!"

Then Marlin closes his eyes, and lets go, fully expecting to be lunch. No sooner do they fall when the water rushes upward as the whale spouts it out, along with Dori and Marlin, and they land safely in the water outside the whale. As they swim to the surface they see that the whale has brought them the rest of the way to their destination. They have safely arrived to Sydney.

After watching this scene I was struck by the thought that I often feel like Marlin inside the whale when I hit those big obstacles in life, when things fall apart and my plans don't work out, when the problems I'm facing feel endless... and seem to set me back further and further from my goals. I get so frustrated! And while pondering this, I asked myself the question, "What if I decide to 'let go' and let God carry me the rest of the way?" It's a nice idea and what I ultimately strive for, but in reality, it can be so hard to do... having faith when I have no idea how things will turn out. But something tells me I won't fall down into the deep dark. If I just listen, trust, and obey Him, perhaps I'll find myself closer to my destination afterall. When I give up control, I find peace. And through it all I'm stronger, I'm wiser, and well-rested, ready to continue the journey.

Who would have thought I could find spiritual meaning in a children's movie?

Dear God,

Sometimes, like today, when I think of your awesomeness all I can do is chuckle to myself. Mostly because I just don't have the words to express my appreciation that you are in control. As disappointed as I was at the time when it didn't work out to buy that house, I realize now how much of a blessing it was. You just know better than I do, and I'm thankful for that (although I wish I would have known that before making the offer but I guess sometimes that's the only way I can learn). Help me to have faith in your timing of everything in my life and in the lives of those around me. And in the meantime, help me to live for your purpose.

Love,
Me

Letter to God

Dear God,

I watched a movie a couple weeks ago about a young boy who prayed by writing letters to you. I'm struggling a little bit right now and I have so many things on my mind and I feel like I can't seem to articulate them very well. So I thought maybe it would be easier to just use a letter format, like in the movie.

As you know, we made an offer on a house a few days ago, a house that after weeks of looking, Frank and I both agreed it would make a great home for our family. I was nervous that day, hoping for the best, not wanting to think much about the worst. Do you remember my prayer to you that day? I asked for your will to be done. It was an easy thing to pray at the time because I really hoped that your will would be the same as mine. I had faith that if this was the right thing, it would work out. But I think deep down I really did know that it wouldn't be the same. The moment I made that realization, when I got the call that the seller wasn't going to budge, I was a little disappointed. I tried to stay cool about it, and keep my emotions out of it. And I told you over and over that I was ok with it. But how does a woman like myself keep emotions out of this type of home-buying process?

Everyone says that now is the time to buy a house, with the low interest rates and all. Sure, there are plenty of good buys out there. There are plenty of houses that we could make work. But it has to be right. It has to FEEL right. Doesn't it?

I wish I knew what your plan is for me. Sometimes I feel like I catch a glimpse, but most times I'm really just feeling around in the dark, waiting for you to open a door that will show me the direction I should take next. I feel like I have more faith in my life now more than ever before. Sometimes I do think I can hear what you're saying, but sometimes I just choose not to listen, and I go my own way. Isn't that the freedom you've given me? I want to obey. I really do. It's so easy to think about what I should be doing, what I think you would want me to do, but it's so much harder to act on it, especially if it's not exactly what I have in mind.

I think I know the reason this house didn't work out. Maybe it's not the right time. Or not the right house. Or, is it because you have something better in mind? How long do I have to search? How long do I have to wait?

I guess for now I'll just continue to have faith. You know what you're doing, you've made that quite clear in the past. And your plan is always much better and a whole lot more perfect than mine. I guess that's all for now.

Love,
Me

Moving Forward, Looking Back

I found out recently that my parents have a contract on their house that they've had on and off the market for the past year. They are excited to retire and begin a new chapter in their lives, yet afraid of the comfort zone they are about to leave and the big changes that lie ahead. They've been in their house for about 24 years, since I started 3rd grade. This is the house I really grew up in. I remember the house we lived in before that, but only in little bits and pieces. Two weekends ago we had a "last hurrah" of sorts... my sister, brother, grandma and myself all came together, at which point my parents made the big announcement.

When I found out, I wasn't necessarily surprised because I knew they'd had a lot of interest in the house recently, but I did choke up with the overwhelming mix of emotions in those few moments after I heard the news. I'm so excited for them, but a little sad at the same time. I feel like I'm letting go of a piece of my life, and my past, as well. On Saturday night we all sat and watched a movie of the building of our house, from the digging of the basement to the building of the patio, porch and swingset. There was quite a bit of laughter at the funny hair-do's and silly remarks that we made as kids. But there was quite of bit of reflection going on in the room as well.

That house hasn't been mine for a long time now. I lived there for about a year after I graduated college and haven't been back to live there since. But even so, I've always still considered it to be "home". My comfort zone. It's where most of my family's traditions were created.... from lazy summer days floating by the pool to big family gatherings at Christmas.... My parents both have quite the green thumb as well (something I unfortunately did not inherit), and landscaping is a passion for them. They've done so much with the 2 acres to make it their little paradise. Although sitting by the pool and walking through the yard the last weekend I was there I considered it to be more like a sanctuary.

Things will be a lot different going forward. It's going to be strange at first, going to visit my parents somewhere else, in another house, in another state. Change can be so hard! But change can also be really good! And sometimes you have to leave that comfort zone to make a change in order to move forward and to grow.

Now that my husband and I have our own family, we're searching for the right house to call our home... a place where our kids can call home, where someday they will be able to look back with great memories. A place where we will continue to grow as a family and create new traditions of our own.

Although at the same time, I've also been thinking that a house doesn't necessarily make a home, but home is wherever our family is. And life isn't about the place where we live or the house we live in, but the relationships with the people we love... our family, friends, neighbors, and God... however close or far apart we are.

Overwhelmed by Awesomeness

This will probably sound a little bit crazy, but a few days ago, I received an email from God. Yes, that's right. Although it was technically from 'Amazon.com', there was no doubt in my mind then and even moreso now, that it was sent from God.

I don't even know what made me open it, this email recommending a book to me, because I usually just delete this kind of stuff. I suppose it was the title of the book that jumped out at me, "Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God," by Francis Chan. I don't know what I clicked on, but all of a sudden the online version of the book was opened up on the computer screen in front of me... as I scrolled through the Table of Contents, Forward, Preface... I started reading, and was immediately captivated. I read enough into the first chapter to find his reference to the website, http://www.crazylovebook.com/, and a video on the website called the "Awe Factor."

So I figured "what the heck, I'll check out the video. It basically starts with a picture of the Earth and continues to zoom out further and further until you can see the sun, our galaxy, other galaxies... I can't remember how many light years away it goes... All I can say is I know why it's called the "Awe Factor". Because I just sat there, in complete awe, feeling so small, like the tiniest little spec. It's not like I haven't seen this type of thing before in science class or on the discovery channel, and I know the universe is pretty huge, endless, but when I watched this video, in that moment, I literally sat there, at a loss for words, in the awesome presence of God. Talk about humbling!!!

I had no choice but the take the enormous "hint" and purchase the book. I've been on the lookout for a new book anyway. But I did not expect for God to stop me dead in my tracks like this. I don't think I've ever received a clearer message from Him, at least not one that I recognized and listened to.

Despite the fact that I selected standard shipping, the book arrived the day after I ordered it, which was 2 days ago, and so far I'm just completely overwhelmed at how much I don't know about who God really is, and His overwhelming love for me... for all of us! And I know I'm only scratching the surface. The best way I can describe this experience is, it's as if God used modern day technology to literally speak to me, to tell me He wants to be closer to me, and He wants me to be closer to him, to really know Him. I started thinking about He knew me before I He created me, before I was born, that He knows how many hairs are on my head! I mean, I feel like my faith has really grown and strengthened over the past year or two, but it's time to start digging deeper.

Wow, I didn't really realize when I started writing this post that I would even have this much to say right now. Just... WOW. The first night I started reading the book, I was overcome with peace and joy, and recited this to myself over and over as I fell asleep:

"Holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come."

Today marks 7 years that my husband and I have been married. Although 7 years may not seem like a lot, when I think back on the things we've been through, it really is something to celebrate!

My marriage is a HUGE part of my journey! With each mountain we climb and valley we stumble through, I come out on the other side just a little bit different. Sometimes it's with a better understanding of my husband. Sometimes it's with a better understanding of myself. Sometimes it's both.

As anyone knows who's ever been married, it isn't easy. If it was, of course nobody would be divorced. In the past 7 years I believe I have learned the essentials of what it takes to keep our marriage strong (in no particular order):

1. Good Communication
2. Understanding
3. Listening
4. Compromise
5. Agree to disagree
6. Laughter
7. Lots and lots of Hugs

These are just a few I could think of off the top of my head. And I still struggle with some of these things, as easy and "common sense" as they may seem.

We read a book recently called "The Five Love Languages", and aside from learning what each other's primary love language is and learning how to speak it (which I'm still working on and reminding myself of on a regular basis), probably the biggest lesson I took away from it is that love is a choice.... Every day when I wake up, I can choose to communicate to him what I'm thinking and feeling, I can choose to try and understand what he's feeling if it's different from me, I can choose to listen without interrupting (very difficult for me sometimes), and I can choose to show him how much I love him through his love language. Looking back on the difficult times, I think we struggle the most when I choose not to do at least one of those things, even if it's unconsciously.

Even through the bad times, and especially through the good times, my husband makes me a stronger, better person. He challenges me. He is everything I am not. I am everything he is not. In so many ways we are as different as two people can possibly be. But I think that's part of what makes us so great.

At this time tomorrow morning, my husband and I will be leaving to take our 7-month-old baby Samuel to Riley Children's Hospital for outpatient surgery. His left testicle never dropped, so I guess the doc just has to go in and drop it and set it in place. Seems pretty simple. I just found out about this surgery about a week ago, and up until now it's seemed like not a very big deal. But now... I'm an emotional mess. It's not like I think anything's really going to happen or go wrong, but what if it does?

I had originally thought that it would be best to find someone to take care of Benjamin because I didn't think he would do very well in a hospital for that long, but then last night... I started really stressing about it. He's in such a fragile stage in his potty training right now. He's been doing so awesome and I'm afraid that he wouldn't do well with someone else here, someone who he doesn't know very well. And my gut just started telling me that I want him with us. And the thought of leaving him behind... at 6:15am we would walk out the door with Samuel and leave him here... I just don't see that going very well for either of us! I'm sure he'd probaby be fine, but I just don't think I could handle the stress of worrying about Samuel in surgery and then worrying about how Benjamin is doing at home... I need to know at least one of my boys is ok!

At first I thought maybe last night I was just being really emotional and that it would pass, but this morning I woke up in the same messy emotional state. I came down to write and then Benjamin woke up, and today is not a good wake-up day. These days are few and far between, but it solidifies my decision to bring him with us.

Although I have handed Samuel's surgery over to God, knowing he's in good hands still doesn't make it any easier for me as a mother. Since yesterday, every time I hold him now I have a hard time letting him go. This morning when he woke up at 5:30 hungry, I just stared down at the precious baby boy in my arms. After his bottle he fell back asleep and I just held him for a few extra minutes longer.

If I'm having a hard time with this, I wonder how I'll handle preschool, or kindergarden... or college...

So much time and nothin' to do

Today has been a hard day. I woke up this morning with a cold/sinusy flu thingy and it just really dampened my spirits. For a split second, I longed for my pre-motherhood days when I could call in sick and go back to bed. But moms don't get sick days, so I did the only thing I could do... suck it up, take a shot of DayQuil, and do my best to get through the day. The house was a mess and dishes weren't done, and it was driving me crazy, but I had no motivation to do anything about it. It was hot and humid outside and I was forced to turn on the AC... again... which I hate. I wanted to be outside but I didn't feel well but I didn't want to be inside but it was too hot. I was having one of "those" days. There were so many times today that I felt like crying. And a few times I actually started to. But I stopped myself and started asking why. The way I was feeling today was not just "sick". There was something else going on and I needed to figure out what.

Oh yes, it's the beginning of Memorial Day weekend. This is the first year in I don't know how long that we haven't had plans for the long holiday weekend. We've always gone away to see friends or family. I tried making plans, several times. But the door closed in my face on everything I tried to plan, until it became clear that this year our plan was... no plan. This is somewhat uncharted territory for me. And it might sound a little bit silly, but I'm just not a "stay-home-and-do-nothing" kind of person these days. Maybe it's because since becoming a stay-home mom I'm home-bound a lot more than I used to be, so when a long weekend does come along I get an itch to do something or go somewhere. And since my husband has a difficult time getting vacation time for long weekends unless he makes plans well in advance, these long holiday weekends are cherished and we try to take advantage of them every chance we get. Then hearing about all of my friends and family having things to do and places to go this weekend, I started feeling kinda sorry for myself. Although I'm feeling rather sick so I sorta don't feel like doing anything at the same time. What a pickle I'm in!

Then I started thinking (uh-oh! She's thinking again!). Since reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life" I can't help but feel like every challenge or difficulty has a purpose. So as I was vaccuming up all the dog hair that was annoying me today, I started to ask God, "why have you closed all the doors to my plans for this weekend?" Seems like a silly question to be asking Him. "Do you have something else planned for me??? Well... I'm open! I'm listening! Talk to me."

While I was vaccuming and discussing with God the plans I didn't have for the next 3 days, Benjamin was outside playing in the dirt, one of his favorite things to do. He came to the patio door and said, "Mommy, I'm all dirty!" So I asked him if he needed to be washed off with the hose. His eyes brightened and a big smile came to his face... that was all the answer I needed. I turned on the hose and washed off his legs, feet and hands. Then he said, "I want to do it," his response to just about everything these days. And he proceeded to spray me! It was shockingly cold, but on this 85-degree, very humid day, it actually felt kinda good. And as you can imagine, this quickly turned into an impromtu water hose fight. At the end we were both laughing and soaked! And I realized that God was using my 2-year-old son to answer my questions. This completely changed my attitude.

So tomorrow I'm looking forward to a BBQ at a friend's house, and Sunday Frank is planning on going to the Indy 500, while the boys and I do I don't know what. And Monday... nothing so far. I'm excited and curious for whatever God has planned for me. Because I'm giving my time to God, and if God is in charge, I know it's gunna be good.

Today I played like a child. Since my last post, my energy seems to have returned and I've been feeling really good. We're visiting family this weekend and today we took Great Gramma K to the park. Since Gram was there to hold Samuel, my husband and I were free to play with Benjamin. We started out on the swings in a race up to the sky... and before long I found myself running around the playground right beside my 2 1/2 year old!

It was so much fun!!! It was so refreshing because I've been feeling so OLD lately. Seriously, between my exhaustion and back and knee pain that I've been having lately, at only 31 years old, I'm afraid of how I'll be feeling in 10 years. They say "you're only as old as you feel." Right?

Well, today I had about 30 minutes when I remembered what it feels like to just run and jump and play! I remembered what it feels like to not have a care in the world, except where my feet are stepping and which slide I would go down next. My blood was rushing and my heart was pounding and I was... happy. Not that I'm not happy otherwise, but the innocent bliss of a child playing at the playground is something I wouldn't mind experiencing a little more often.

Just have a little Faith

As I was washing dishes yesterday, I had all of these thoughts that I wanted to get down on paper, and then as soon as I got Benjamin his juice and Samuel his bottle and talked to my Dad for a few minutes, I was finally ready to sit down and write... and then the train of thought was gone.

That's been happening a lot lately, which is why it's been like 2 weeks since my last post! That, and I've just been plain exhausted. No energy, no motivation to do much of anything lately. I've been feeling kinda heavy. Maybe it's the weather. Or maybe it's the lack of sleep. Or maybe it's God's way of slowing me down, because He knows that I don't do it very well on my own. There's always something to do, somewhere to be. So maybe when I get like this, as I seem to every now and then, it's God's way of telling me to just "Be Still, Kristen. Be still and know that I am God."

I've been praying a lot lately. My list seems to be growing by the day, so much that I feel like I need to actually start a physical list! Although God always seems to let me know in some way who needs my prayers. So many people I know... family, friends, acquaintances, and people whose names I don't even know, are going through such difficult times... job loss, long-term unemployment, marriage and relationship troubles, big decisions looming, illness and incurable disease, depression, friends who are struggling with motherhood, friends who want babies but are having difficulty, the young women in front of me in the checkout line at Walmart who pulls out food stamps to pay for her groceries, people whose homes are destroyed by natural disaster... I've realized lately that I tend to spend a lot of time and energy immersed in my own life and the worries of my family, and my eyes and ears are closed to the needs of others around me. As I write this, I can see it all starting to unfold over the past few weeks... the message God has been trying to send me.

Two days ago I was feeling particularly down and heavy. It was just one of "those" days. I got the kids in the car to head to the grocery, mostly to get out of the house, and Benjamin was out of diapers, and I really needed to listen to my radio station, Positive and Encouraging K-Love. When I got into the car to drive back home, the radio host was talking about a Bible verse, something about birds and how they don't sow or reap or worry, that God provides for them and that we are much more important... I don't remember the exact words she used but it really struck me hard! Not that I was in a place where I was worrying about a lot of stuff. At least not consciously. But then I thought about all of my friends and family who I've been praying for recently who have a lot of worry in their lives right now. So maybe this message was more for them, and God wanted to use me to share it...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" ~ Matthew 6:25-27

At the time I didn't know where this scripture was in the Bible, so I asked a friend who stopped by shortly after I heard this in the car. She knew what scripture I was referring to, but couldn't remember exactly what it was, so she said she would email it to me when she got home. When she did email it to me later that day, she wrote that when she went to her Bible to look it up, she opened to the exact page that the scripture was on. Of course I believed her, because similar things have happened to me, I know God is just awesome like that! And it reaffirmed what I had been thinking, that there was some kind of importance to the timing of it. I was so inspired that I just couldn't keep it to myself!

If we have faith in Him, God does provide everything we need! When my husband and I lived in southern IL and he was in school full time and I was only working part time and Benjamin was a baby, I remember one specific day that fear got the best of me... I didn't know how we were going to continue to pay our rent and I'd been paying for food with a credit card, and I just broke down sobbing! I remember the exact words my husband, who is not a very religious man, said to me, "Kristen, can't you just have faith that God will provide for us? He's provided everything to us up to this point! Just have a little faith!"

Those words stopped me dead in my tracks. And I renewed my faith right there. God had opened all of the doors for us to be in the place where we were, He wasn't about to abandon us. And as soon as I decided to have faith, it was like a warm blanket of peace and comfort came over me. Money continued to come from unexpected places, and we made it through. Not only does God provide for every need, but he also continues to provide that peace and comfort through all of my challenges and struggles. And I've heard so many people tell me the same thing!

One last thought... a friend gave me book yesterday and in the introduction were the words, "It is our job to pray. It is God's job to answer." Although the answer may not come right away, and it may not be what we expect or want to hear. But if we can just keep our eyes and ears and hearts open, and just have a little faith, we're all going to be okay.

Weakness Exposed

This morning I'm letting it all hang out. God has challenged me to look inside and find my weaknesses. It seems easy enough, but sometimes it's really hard! I mean, who wants to admit their true weakness?

This morning I realized one of them. When I am lacking sleep, I'm... not quite myself, to say the least. I get angry and frustrated at the smallest, stupidest things! Samuel, my nearly 6-month-old, has decided that he doesn't want to sleep through the night right now. Wait... let me rephrase that. It's not like he's thinking, "Hmmm.... let's see if I can really throw Mom for a loop by waking up crying a couple times a night." No. He's only 6 months old! He's teething. He's growing. He's hungry. He's hot. He's cold. He needs reassurance. And I'm his mother. It's my job to take care of all those things. I made that choice. Little did I realize that my weaknesses would be exposed in that decision.

I've learned through having children that if I don't get a good, solid 7-8 hours of sleep, I'm grumpy. I wake up cranky. And on some days, I take it out on my sweet little boys.

Like this morning... last night Samuel was up at 3am, and again at 5:15. I made it back to bed at 5:45, only to have my husband's alarm go off 15 minutes later. As I drifted back to sleep, my husband came in asking if I knew where his hair brush was, which I did because moms are supposed to know where everything is, right? (Benjamin had misplaced it in a different drawer). That's also part of my job as a mom, which I fail at miserably sometimes. Anyway, then Benjamin came in 5 minutes later with a wet diaper. Change diaper. I ask him to lay with me in bed, which 6 out of 7 days, he does. Today was the 1 day day he didn't. Husband brings up juice and a movie to watch in his room. Husband takes Ben to his room while I lay in bed. Ben doesn't want to sit in his bed because it's wet. Ben has tantrum in hallway. BEN WAKES UP SAM.

At this point I stomp out of bed and into Ben's room, pull the covers off of his bed, put the quilt on the bed with another blanket and say, "There! It's dry!" I stomp out. This upsets Ben even more. I stop. I ask myself, "What am I doing?" Sure, I'm frustrated that I didn't get enough sleep. But at this point, I have a choice to make.

I went back to Ben, knelt down beside his bed, lowered my voice to a loud whisper, and politely asked him what I could do for him to make him feel better. This was a much better tactic and he calmed down almost instantly. (Well, DUH!)

Two minutes later he was content in his bed with his juice, dinosaurs, sleeping bag, fuzzy blanket and movie. I shamefully walked back into my room and slipped into bed. As I listenedd to Sam cooing quietly and happily in his crib, I prayed.

God, please forgive me for the way I acted toward Benjamin this morning. My weakness is not his problem. It's mine. Thank you for blessing me with Benjamin and Samuel, and my wonderful, supportive and understanding husband, Frank. Thank you for exposing this weakness to me, for I bring it to you and ask for strength. Please give me the courage to admit my weaknesses to myself, my husband, and my boys, to embrace them as part of me, and use them to become closer to you. Thank you, Jesus, for dying on the cross for my sins. I am a sinful person and I don't deserve it, but through your Sacrifice and Grace, I am Forgiven. Amen.

After all of this the thought crossed my mind that I probably shouldn't be letting my kids see my weaknesses and my mistakes, but I quickly changed that train of thought. I think it's good for them to see that Mommy isn't perfect. I'm not Supermom. And it's okay that my kids aren't perfect and they often don't act the way I want them to at the time that I want them to. Mommy makes mistakes. They make mistakes. And I think it's actually good for them to see the process: mistake through weakness... repentance... forgiveness... move on.

Pancakes, anyone?

This afternoon my 2-yr-old Benjamin broke out in song, "Yes, Jesus loves me! The Bible tells me so." I actually had to do a double-take. I was totally surprised! I asked him if that's the song they sang in Moppets (children's program for MOPS, Mothers Of Preschoolers) this morning and he said "yes". Apparently he's been paying attention! This brings me such joy because I've been wondering lately at what age to start telling him about God and Jesus and how to tell him. It's actually been a little heavy on my mind lately. I'm so grateful for the Moppets teachers for helping me with this!!! I actually had the opportunity to volunteer at the Tuesday Moppets group yesterday and it was so cool to have the chance to see what Benjamin is doing and how he's learning and growing while I'm doing the same in my MOPS group. Love it!

Thank you, God, for blessing me with my beautiful boy, Benjamin. Please help me to teach him everything you want him to know. And please help me to be patient with him, as he is, afterall, only 2.

It's nice to have some quiet, peaceful time to myself this afternoon. Both of my boys are napping, which doesn't happen very often. Usually I would try to take a nap myself, but today I felt like I just wanted some time to relax and read, and then I found myself praying. I feel so refreshed when I really take the time to sit and be still with God... to feel the peace of his presence and listen to what he has to say.

Today He took me to the Klove radio website, which I've been meaning to do but just never remember when I'm sitting at the computer. I always have Klove on when I'm driving because I can't get the radio station in my house for whatever reason. But when I went to the website I found out that I can listen online! This has totally made my day! It doesn't matter what is going on in my life or even what's going on in that moment, the music and talk on Klove just turns my focus back on God, it drowns out any outside noise and distractions, it takes me outside of myself and my own life, to the needs and struggles of others, and I feel at peace.

I feel like I've used the word "peace" a few times while writing today. But I really can't think of any other word that's more appropriate to express my mood and well-being right now! I wish I could just maintain that peace all the time! Maybe now that I can listen to Klove all day... :)

Prayer

This prayer really struck me the first time I read it while studying the book "Unbinding Your Heart" by Martha Grace Reese, and I find myself going back to it and praying it over and over again, so I wanted to share it. It reminds me a little of the song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks. It rings so true in my life, and as I've recently learned, God is always in control. As a parent to a child, He knows best. He knows what I need a lot better than I do! I'm always amazed at the things He's trying to teach me at just the right time in my life... when I'm ready to learn:

I asked for strength that I might achieve;
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I had asked for,
but everything that I had hoped for.
Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered;
I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

~ Unknown soldier, 19th century, American Civil War

Day 4 of Vacation Destination: Florida

As we enter into Day 4 of this vacation I can't help but think that God has a higher purpose for us on this journey to this particular place at this particular time. I don't know exactly what that is yet but all will be revealed in due time.

Frank's Dad was gracious enough to offer to stay at our house to take care of our dogs while we're away, saving us a boat load of money on kennel costs. He also offered up his Toyota for us to travel in, as we had our doubts on whether or not our 1998 minivan would make the trip. About 2 hours south of Atlanta we stopped for gas and Frank just happened to check the oil level, only to find it was more than 2 quarts low. Ummmm.... not good. So he put more oil in and we continued our journey, stopping every 60-100 miles to put more oil in.

Had this happened a year or two ago, I would have been very concerned, stressed and afraid of not making it to our destination in one piece. And I might be disappointed that car trouble would ruin our vacation.

But I couldn't help but be at peace. I knew that God was in control. I had complete faith that we would arrive safely. It reminded me of a time when my family was on vacation. We were taking a road trip through the Pennsylvania mountains on our way to visit family in Maryland. It was in the middle of the night when our car broke down. I wonder what my Dad was thinking, how he was feeling in the dark, on the side of the road on some mountain in the middle of nowhere while his children slept in the car. Was he afraid? All I remember is that a young man did see us and stopped to help. He didn't know anything about mechanics, but he had his little hatchback, which he allowed us to all pile into to and he drove us to a hotel close by to where our van was being serviced. We called him our guardian angel.

In our particular present circumstance, my husband does have quite a skill and talent in mechanics. He knew exactly what was going on with the Toyota and knew exactly what to do. He was saying that he shouldn't have been doubting all of the work he had done on our minivan (which we bought for $200 and he rebuilt the transmission and did a bunch of other work to it, making it a safe, everyday driver), and that he would never doubt his ability again. But I was thinking something a little different.

I agree that he should not doubt his mechanical skills and intelligence, but I also realized that it was probably a good thing that this happened while my husband was driving it, because his dad or anyone else may not have caught the problem in time, before the oil ran out and locked up the engine. How many people check the oil of their vehicles on a regular basis? Actually while we were at a gas station putting oil in there was a sign at the pump saying something like, "Have you checked your oil levels lately?"

Frank's mechanical skills are no doubt given to him from God for a purpose. He's used that gift to help a lot of people, including my mom when her van broke down while she was visiting me at college. And it's funny that as all of this is happening I am reading a chapter in my book about our God-given gifts, and how each of us were created to have our own special set of gifts and talents to use for God purpose. They are different for each one of us so we can help each other. If we were all given the same gifts, we wouldn't need help from each other.

I'm still trying to figure out what gifts God has given to me to use for His purpose, but I have a few ideas.

As for our vacation, it is in no way ruined. We had a wonderful visit with Frank's brother and his wife yesterday despite some clouds and rain. While Frank took the Toyota to the dealership the boys and I had a chance to go swimming at the hotel pool and nap and I had a little quiet time myself.

Oh, and while it was raining, the sun played peek-a-boo and revealed a beautiful rainbow. This morning the sun is shining, it's going to be a high of 83, and I look forward to whatever adventure God has in store for us.

Day 1 of Vacation Destination: Florida

We're on our first vacation in ... oh... about 6 1/2 years. At least that's what I've been telling people. But the truth is, I think my definition of "vacation" is just changing. I used to think a good vacation had everything to do with the destination, which for me, required sand, sun, water, a faraway place, and... a decent dose of alcohol.

But now that we've made our first stop in good ol' Tennessee to visit some of our best friends, I realize I've had many vacations in the past several years. Every time I come here, and have the opportunity to sit in the stillness of the country (and it's very still at 6:30am, which is what time Sam had me up this morning), I feel refreshed! There's something about a sky full of stars and the quiet steps of a deer family at dawn eating their breakfast right outside the window just as the sun is starting to peak through the trees, that makes me stop and just be still. I don't have much of a chance to "be still"in my daily life. Benjamin and Samuel no longer take naps at the same time and they of course keep me very busy!

But it's not just the quiet innocence of the place that I am right now that refreshes my spirit, but the presence of some of our best friends. It's reconnecting. And that's something I now realize has become more important than my environment.

After living away from family and close friends for the past 3 years, I've come to recognize how much I really miss them. And how refreshing it really is to have that quality, face-to-face time whenever I can get it. Even if it's just for a night or two. Email and facebook are great, and phone calls are even better, but none of it replaces the connections I make in person, when I can see another set of eyes looking back at me.

Two weeks ago I went to a reunion, where 12 great friends gathered for the first time in about 4 years. To get that many people together at the same time, and with all of our 9 kids, was nothing short of awesome. Even though it was only for 2 days, it was time away from every day life. It was an escape from the 4 walls of my own home. It was many moments of laughter and reminiscing and reconnecting... in the exotic town of Carmel, IN!

There were no beaches or palm trees, but plenty of friends, and those, I've decided, are some of the best vacations.

Spring Brings New Life

Finally... the long awaited Spring is here! I'm not sure it'll be staying for the long haul yet, but I'll take what I can get for now. I've always thought my favorite season was summer - I'm a total warm weather person. I'm happiest outside in the sunshine... taking long walks, swimming, biking, playing at the park with my boys, basking in the sun with a good book (which I admit I don't get to do very often these days as a mother of 2)... but I may reconsider my favorite season to be Spring.

After a long, cold, dreary winter, when Spring finally comes it brings so much... LIFE! I love those first really mild days, when I can walk outside and take a deep breath of the sweet spring air and fresh cut grass, and drive with the windows down and let the wind blow through my hair (although Benjamin announced this morning that he does not like it so windy in the car, so I had to settle for a slight breeze). I love seeing the trees in bloom, after so much gloom and brown and blah, to start seeing buds on the trees again brings the promise of green. As I walked into the grocery store yesterday there was a rush of sweet aroma coming from the floral area. I'm usually not one who likes to spend money on flowers, but I just couldn't resist slipping a small pot of purple Hyacinth into my cart.

Ahhhhhh... Spring!

Spring just feels... good! And it feels good to feel good! It's refreshing, it's warm, and yes, it's also often rainy, as it was today. A friend just reminded me the other day that April showers bring May flowers! So if the rain is going to help the beauty of Spring along, then bring it on!

Spring brings a promise of hope, of good things to come... better things! Someone told me today that for her, Spring feels like being "reborn". I thought that was a great way to think of it, because it does feel that way when the warm sun shines on my face for the first time and the sweet fragrance in the air fills my whole being. I can't help but smile.

And with Spring comes Easter, when we celebrate new life that we have in Jesus Christ. On Easter I will celebrate His resurrection, that he died for me. He sacrificed himself to save me. And he rose from the dead for me, so that I would have new life! Eternal life by His grace. He loves me that much! Now that is something to celebrate!

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." ~Romans 5:8

Forgiveness is Freedom

Wow... it feels really GOOD to write again! I used to write a lot when I was younger, and really enjoyed it. But somewhere, somehow, Life happened, and I stopped writing. So I'm glad the Holy Spirit gave me this nudge to start up again. I'm not sure if I would have done it on my own. So I just wanted to share that!

Something else I want to share is a very cool thing that happened to me last night. I've been carrying around a burden for a really long time... almost 12 years. It's the one thing in my life that I truly regret, something I did when I was young and stupid and totally self-centered, that I would go back and change in a second if I could. Because it ruined a friendship. I've tried to forget it and pretend it never happened, but every now and then it would sneak up on me and remind me that it was still there. In the past couple months the burden became heavier, and a desire grew in my heart to ask for forgiveness, both from the person I wronged and from myself. I had not spoken to this person since then, and thanks to facebook, I was able to find this person and ask for forgiveness. I was so nervous!!! I went back and forth before hitting "send", afraid that I wouldn't receive it, fully expecting to be "deleted". Although I had hoped for a response, I did not really expect one.

About a month went by and I was starting to lose hope. But last night, I received the response that I was waiting for, telling me I was forgiven. I can't even express the lightness I felt! I had no idea how heavy it was, until it was gone. It was the most amazing feeling, that after 12 years of carrying this shadow around in my heart, I was finally free of it!

I have forgiven others many times in my life, and I don't recall it ever seeming like a very big deal. Just recently I was able to tell someone I loved, "Of course I forgive you." I didn't even need to think that hard about it, but she was incredibly overwhelmed by it. I never really understood how powerful forgiveness is until I was the one who needed it. And I certainly don't deserve it.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." ~Ephesians 4:32

No Such Thing As Coincidence

The phrase "everything happens for a reason" has become quite a cliche. I've always believed it to be true, but I don't think I quite understood the power behind it until just recently.

I just finished reading a book called Another Valley, Another Victory, Another Love by Valetta Steel Crumley. Valetta came to speak at my MOPS group meeting and gave her testimony. Wow... what an amazing woman! She has been through more tragedy in her lifetime than I could possibly imagine someone could go through, and yet she's still standing, still living, still loving, still praising God more than ever.

In her testimony, Valetta spoke to us about the death of her first child by Leukemia, at only 2 years old, and the death of her husband... and when she finally got to the part about how her oldest 2 children were killed instantly in a car crash several years later, there was not a dry eye in the room. Some people may find her story somewhat depressing, but I left that day so inspired! I left there wanting the peace in my life that she has. On my way out I grabbed her book, wanting to know more about her story and how she got to this point in her life, how she made it through all of the trials that God placed before her. And I was counting my blessings, so glad that I've never had to experience that kind of pain and suffering. At least not yet anyway.

After I finished reading, I found myself really craving to continue the growth in my own life and pondering once again, my purpose. So I dusted off My Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren, which I had started reading a year or two ago and for whatever reason never finished it. I picked up from where I had left off on chapter 25, and low and behold, the chapter is called "Transformed by Trouble." How "coincidental" that I was just reading about this in Valetta's book.

In chapter 25, Rick speaks not just to the fact that God has a plan for my life, but that He has a purpose behind every single challenge that I face. When I sit back and look at the toughest times in my life... my period of depression that resulted in a struggle in my marriage and other relationships and a lot of counseling... a great deal of good came out of what seemed like such a bad time! I would be nowhere near the person I am today had I not gone through those things. Rick also writes that God "uses circumstances to develop our character," and that not all of our problems are big, but "all are significant in God's growth process for [us]."

Then I started thinking, if we never faced trouble in our lives, we wouldn't learn, we wouldn't grow. There would be no purpose. When I really open my eyes to this concept in my daily life, I can truly see God working in everything I do, whether it's teaching me patience when my 2-year-old is in a tantrum or while I'm sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, or giving up control when things aren't going as planned, or putting my faith into Him for security instead of money and other earthly things. And I think sometimes it isn't quite as obvious at the time, but that I will have an opportunity to pass on what I've learned to someone else down the road who's struggling with the same issues.

I've tried to understand the reasons for why things happen in my life, and sometimes the light bulb goes on and I'm able to make connections and it's really exciting to be able to say, "oh yeah! I see now!" But when I try to understand too much at one time, it just gets too overwhelming. And I don't think we were meant to necessarily understand why everything happens, but more importantly, what can we learn from it?

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

What about me?

While setting up this blog, there's a place on the profile page that states: About Me. I always have a hard time defining this. It's pretty vague. It's like when an interviewer asks you, "Tell me about yourself." I've always hated answering this, and I find myself asking in my mind, "Well, what about me?" There's so many things I could say, and the definition of "Me" is always changing. What do you want to know?

I'm a different person now than I was 5 years ago. And 5 years ago, I was a different person than I was 5 years before that. Where do I see myself in 5 years? An impossible question for me to answer. Based on my experience of the past 3 and a half years, I could be just about anywhere! How I would describe myself may be different than how others would describe me. I would use words like Christian, mother, wife, compassionate, kind, warm-hearted. Those are all things that would make me look good to others. And I am all those things, but sometimes I can also be impatient, controlling and selfish. Of course God sees these things in me much more often than anyone else.

One thing I am striving to be now more than anything else is Real. My husband Frank has always said, "I am who I am, green eggs and ham." On the outside, green eggs and ham can be a little bit scary, and may not look so appetizing. But once you taste it... mmmmm... it really is good (and it actually tastes exactly the same as if it weren't green, because food coloring has no flavor). But seriously, I am who I am. Like it or not.

I haven't always been Real. When the concept was first introduced to me, it made a lot of sense, but it was a little scary at the same time. To be real with people, you have to let your guard down and be vulnerable. You risk criticism and judgement. But at the same time, it's the only way to go deeper. As I've gone deeper, I've been able to really experience relationships and the support and love that you feel from those who you share your true self with. Snorkling on the surface of the water is fun and all, but get down a little deeper and you'll see some really cool stuff! Isn't that where most of the treasures are found? Down at the bottom, buried in the sand?

I remember the first interview that I answered questions completely honestly, instead of answering them the way I should, saying what they would want to hear. I remember her asking me what my previous boss would say about how often I arrive to work on time. I think by this point in the interview I had doubts about this job being right for me, and was not sure she was the type of person I would be happy working for, and I answered something like, "Most of my jobs have been pretty laid back in that respect, and if I arrive a little bit late I always work a little bit late to make up for it, but I am on time when I need to be." She responded that in this position, it's imperative that I arrive on time every day. I think that is the point in the interview when she realized I was not the right person for the job. I walked out to my car chuckling a little bit to myself that I had been so brutally honest. But looking back, if I hadn't been, I probably would have ended up unhappy in a job that wasn't right for me. On my way home that day I dropped my resume off at the hospital. The interview went great, and I did get the job. I did manage to be on time just about every day, and it was the most rewarding job I've ever had. Well, not quite as rewarding as my current job as a stay-home mom :)

Anyway, I know I got off subject a little bit, I do that sometimes. I guess I'm still in the process of defining who I am. My story is still unfolding. The pages are still being written. And if I'm as real as I can be throughout this journey, then what I see in myself, what others sees in me, and what God sees, will all be the same.

Step One: Creating the blog

I never imagine myself to be the blogging type, as throughout my life I was never one who had much to say. Or at least I thought I didn't. I'm not quite sure yet what the purpose is of this blog. I've never even thought of creating a blog until this afternoon, when I felt this overwhelming nudge... Perhaps it will serve as a great way to keep my family and friends up to date on the growth of my family and how we're getting along with our day-to-day struggles and blessings. What I'm hoping is it will serve as an online journal of sorts, sharing my random thoughts as I travel over the mountains and through the valleys on my journey through this thing called Life. And I encourage you to share any thoughts or comments on anything I have to say.